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The 5 Types Of Tinder Profiles You’re Guaranteed To Come Across

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Tinder is an interesting beast. If we’re being honest with ourselves, it should really only be a dating outlet for pretty people. As with most things, though, we’re not particularly honest with ourselves. In light of that, those of us who are not as attractive have to be pretty conniving in what picture we use for our profile. Sure, you can have up to six, but you’re not checking out anyone’s other pictures until after you match, right? That one main picture has to be perfect. There are a lot of different ways to go about it, and you have to think scientifically.

1. Selfie
Even if you’re ridiculously attractive, a bathroom selfie is just trashy. Maybe if your hair is just super awesome and you can’t seem to replicate it, you can bury one deep in picture four, but for fuck’s sake, don’t put it up top. Bathroom selfies attract people who are shallow enough to be into someone who portrays him or herself through a bathroom selfie. Think about that for a hot second. Now that it’s sunk in, I’ll backpedal a little bit. Not all selfies are created equal. If you climb a mountain alone, who else will take your picture at the top? That sort of goes for any interesting location. If you want to portray yourself as a person who goes to museums, ballparks, concerts, or the ballet, snapping a selfie is often the best way to do it. If you go with the self shot, just keep a few things in mind. Make sure that your face looks normal–most people are horrible at taking selfies that don’t make them look like a duck with a pear stuck in its throat. Make sure your location will attract the kind of person you want. Above all, make fucking sure that there are no toilets, sinks, or showers in sight.

2. Glamor Shot
Maybe this is just a product of me living in Los Angeles, but I swear, half of the pictures I encounter look like they were taken by a professional photographer, or at the very least, a person who has enough money to buy a Canon 5D and call him or herself a “professional” photographer. This isn’t just girls, either. I’ve seen the Tinder landscape on my female friends’ phones. It’s eerily similar. Let’s just assume that most major metropolitan areas have a lot of people with pictures that they posed for. Is that a good route to go? Honestly, as shallow as it sounds, yeah. It is. If we’re going to spend so much time and brainpower on online dating, we might as well take a picture specifically for it. I mean, don’t go crazy with the poses, you’re not a fucking model. Unless you are. In which case, why aren’t you having sex right now? Seriously, why are you wasting your time reading my stupid words and not fucking a human being? Unless you are. If so, congrats on your multitasking abilities.

3. Group Picture
This kind of depends on how good looking the people in your picture are. Either way, you’re handicapping yourself. If everyone is way prettier than you, the person checking out your profile will be really disappointed when he or she finds out which one you are. Conversely, if everyone’s not as good looking as you, you’re basically ensuring that a lot more people will swipe left on you because they don’t want to gamble on you being the best looking person in the photo. Plus, why would you want to take away from your swag, brah? You’re the king/queen of this Tinder castle. You’re the one who was bold enough to say to yourself, “You know what? I AM attractive enough to get dates off of one picture!” Don’t hedge your bets and surround yourself with other faces. Take ownership of your life.

4. Goofy Or Fun
This is the route I went. If you’re in the greater Los Angeles area and you come upon a guy with a banana in his mouth, eyes wide like someone just attached electrodes to his family jewels, congratulations, you found me. Feel free to swipe right. I’m a lovely conversationalist. Here’s the dealio, people. If you’re not as good looking as the competition, you have to figure out how to distinguish yourself. Don’t lie to yourself. If you’re out of shape (guilty) or you just have a face that makes you look like a porcupine attack victim with leprosy, you need to acknowledge it. Otherwise, you’re fucked. A fun or goofy picture is the only way to really show off your personality in something as quick as Tinder. Even a well-written mini bio won’t help you unless you’ve attracted a person’s attention long enough with your picture. Plus, people who swipe right on someone based on the fact that he or she looks like a funny person are likely to be much more fun on dates than people who just like your cheekbones.

5. Opposite Sex In The Photo
It’s odd, because everyone I’ve talked to has conflicting opinions about this. Some say it proves social value. Like, “Oh, well at least one person likes him or her enough to take a picture.” On the other hand, it’s kind of annoying when you come upon it, because the first thing your mind jumps to is trying to figure out what that other person’s relationship is to your Tinder person. Is that a sibling? An ex? A best friend who’s secretly in love with that person and will do everything in his or her power to torpedo your chances? These are important questions, people.

By the way, as with everything in life, none of this matters if you are good looking. There are only two steadfast rules when it comes to success in dating:

1. Be attractive.
2. Don’t be unattractive.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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