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The 5 Types Of New Year’s Eve Parties You’ll Go To

sophisticated-ignorance

Arguably the most overrated (but still pretty damn fun) night of the year, New Year’s Eve presents the ultimate challenge of having a good time while not wanting to prison shank everyone you encounter. Everywhere is crowded, everyone is a sloppy mess, and it is chaos. You’ll be presented with several options that night and there’s no doubt that each option has its pros and cons, but mostly cons.

The House Party

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Centralized, under control and cheap. It’s nothing special, but it beats the alternatives. Hopefully, you have a friend who is cool with volunteering their house for the night and throwing a good old fashioned BYOB, potluck house rager, but the odds are the people who actually own their own houses will be way too paranoid to throw a party on the night when everyone’s inner degenerate comes out to play. If you can keep it low-key and economically feasible, you’re going to have one helluva night.

The Black Tie

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Drop a cool hundred bucks at a classy venue (this party will likely be called a “soirée,” instead of “party”), throw on the cummerbund and get ready to class the shit out of the joint. You’re wearing black tie formalwear. Half of federal and state law doesn’t apply to people wearing tuxedos and little black dresses. That’s in the constitution. You can look it up. You’re pretty much Frank Sinatra. There’s nothing like putting on the tux and throwing down that first drink. Your ensemble will slowly deteriorate as the night goes on. The bow tie comes undone, the suspenders start slacking and you smell like the bottom of a vodka bottle. Class. The downside to this type of party is the hefty dry cleaning bill that it will inevitably incur. Worst case scenario, you have to drop another $600 bucks on a replacement tux.

The “Everything Has To Be Perfect” Party

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Practice your eye rolling technique before this one. The person who organized this party has been blowing up your email inbox since Halloween with revised itineraries and useless information. You’ll start out on a party bus that was paid for by half of the party, because the other half was too lazy to remember paying up. You’ll show up at some pre-party at a restaurant that no one can afford and the person who organized it will be in tears by 10:30 because the party they spent so much time planning actually sucks and everyone hates it.

Winging It

Street-Drinking

You’ve made the mistake of waiting until the last minute to make plans and now you’re going to be that guy outside of the bar at 11:55, begging the doorman to let you in before the ball drops. Don’t be that guy.

The Overpriced Party

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“ALL YOU CAN DRINK CHAMPAGNE! ALL YOU CAN EAT APPETIZERS! LIVE DJ SPINNING ALL NIGHT! LIVE BALL DROP! ONLY $500 DOLLARS PER COUPLE!” What they fail to mention is that that the champagne and appetizers will be gone by 11 and mixed drinks and beer are still five bucks a pop. You’re basically paying out the ass to hang out at a bar. Most trendy bars are going to be overcrowded, overpriced and will resemble a prison riot rather than a New Year’s Eve party. Your best bet is to pocket the money you were about to drop on this “party” and go with another option. If your friends don’t want to do anything other than this, get new friends.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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