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The 5 Types of DILFs

DAVE COULIER;JODIE SWEETIN;MARY-KATE/ASHLEY OLSEN;BOB SAGET;CANDACE CAMERON;JOHN STAMOS

Women are innately attracted to DILFs. They give off this “hey, I have my shit pulled together enough to take care of another human being” air while still looking good themselves. It’s a disturbing anomaly to behold, especially when you don’t even like kids.

With that being said, I’ve outlined a few of the major types of DILFs to better understand and avoid your attraction.

Building DILF
This is the DILF who lives in your building. You’re forced to interact with him in your lounge and in the elevators, and you have to open the door for him when he’s pushing a stroller. You marvel at his ability to hold down a job and take care of several kids in the confines of a relatively small Manhattan apartment. Plus, his ass looks great in chinos.

Friend DILF
Any old acquaintances who managed to knock up a friend are terrifying, because you know them by only one degree of separation, and anything DILF-related that’s somewhat based in reality is no bueno. But you have to admit when you’re bitterly scrolling through your Facebook feed at work, his shirtless beach photos with that little bastard are kind of cute.

Executive DILF
The executive DILF is someone you know from work, and he has kids who might be venturing into junior high-aged territory. Executive DILF looks great in a suit, and for lack of a better inappropriate term, he will be known as DILF–until a colleague accidentally receives an email where you refer to him as such and you get a call from HR.

Not Sure If He’s A DILF
This is the hot, older guy walking down the street who could be DILF potential. He looks tired and worn out enough to be a DILF, but then again, it could be the corporate hamster wheel that puts us all in early graves (with a decent 401k). This is the vaguest category, but sometimes the hottest.

Model DILF
He’s a pillar of the community and just an all-around good guy. You always see him at the local coffee shops, convenience stores, and random parks where he’s playing with his kids and you’re breaking open container laws. He always says hi to you, even though you’re either hungover or you just look like a degenerate, and you pretend to be nice to his kids for his sake. Model DILF, we salute you and your impeccably toned arms from carrying around all those unspiked juice boxes.

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sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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