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The 5 Types Of Crazy Eyes

Do babies burst into tears when you look at them? Are most animals alarmed when you make direct eye contact with them? Do they immediately run in the other direction? Do you frequently find people staring at you, assuming it’s because you are ridiculously good looking?

All of these are symptoms and reactions of crazy eyes, and you could be an unaware sufferer inflicted with this terrible feature.

What exactly are crazy eyes? Let’s take a look at a formal interpretation from Urban Dictionary.

“Crazy eyes are typically found in women, but also found in men. Crazy eyes are detectable when said person is at a normal restful state and the white part of the eye (the sclera) is clearly visible above and below the colored part of the eye (the iris). This person appears to be glaring wide eyed when in fact they are just looking like they normally would.”

So, basically, it’s just a person’s face and there is nothing he or she can do about it.

Now that we’ve had a little lesson on what exactly crazy eyes are, how about we dive in a little deeper?

Although I have to hand it to Urban Dictionary for a good attempt at accurately describing what crazy eyes are, I like to describe them as I would the McRib. Many people have tried to fully capture its qualities in words, but few have done so successfully. And crazy eyes are even more complex than the mystery meat that makes up that fast food American treasure. Crazy eyes come in levels, and it’s in everyone’s best interest to know exactly what those levels are.

We’ve seen them on “How I Met Your Mother,” “Orange is the New Black,” and “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” These are all great shows, where people can find useful life advice. If I’ve learned anything from my personal experience with people who have crazy eyes (and my study of those various TV episodes) it’s that messing with a crazy-eyed person can truly destroy your mental wellbeing–or at least creep you out a bit.

Let’s take a look at the most common forms of crazy eyes:

Rich Lady Crazy Eyes

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This lady has spent more money on booze and Botox than all of our student debt combined. She thought Botox would make her skin look youthful and tight, but it also made her eyes look extra fucking crazy. She’s usually not very dangerous, unless, of course, you cheat her on the amount of alcohol you put in her extra dirty martini. In that case, you better slip her a little something under the table and ask her to keep her crazy eyes on her Salad Niçoise.

Desperately In Love Crazy

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Poetry, flowers, mix-tapes, death threats, severed ears in boxes: I’m talking about real, true love. Who’s better to show you the type of devotion, persistence, and dedication that everyone deserves than a person who has that terrifying glimmer in his or her crazy eyes that screams, “If I can’t have you, nobody can!” People with this type of crazy eyes lets you know you better think twice before accepting his or her token of affection. You may have to file a restraining order or two, but at least it’ll stop this crazy-eyed person from camping out in your bushes at night.

Hot Girl Crazy Eyes

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She has the face, the hair, and the body, but when you look into her eyes, you can’t help but feel as if she’s sacrificed a few small animals in her life. They aren’t crazy enough to keep you from hooking up with her or taking her out. Your relationship with this girl typically doesn’t come to a halt until your friends or family meet her–or until you find the hair doll she constructed during her free time while you were at work. Beware of this type, because when you stop seeing this one, there’s a good chance she’ll hold a séance with that hair doll and key your car for good measure. Just say no to the crazy-eyed hottie, unless you like to live on the edge.

Parent, Teacher, Or Authority Figure Crazy Eyes

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Let’s take a trip down memory lane to childhood. The best of us have witnessed this rare form of crazy eyes and it scarred us permanently, as well as insured our respect for our elders. This type of crazy eyes only came out when you pushed your parent, teacher, or some other authority figure to the point of no return. This possibly resulted in a full-palmed ass whooping or some other form of public humiliation–I’m talking “Mom catching you having sex for the first time on the family couch” pissed off crazy eyes. When these come out, you know you’re about to get yours in the worst way, and you avoid doing what you did to bring them out ever again.

Real Crazy Eyes

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These crazy eyes are as real as they get. No matter how deep you look into them, you try to search for any sign of sense, but you can’t seem to find what you’re looking for. You can generally find people with these on any street corner, and they’re usually on the faces of crack heads and the homeless. Unlike the other forms of crazy eyes, these aren’t guaranteed to face the same direction. Real crazy eyes have the ability to look north and south at the same time, which could be a special talent to the optimistic people out there. If I were you, I would just throw a little change in these people’s cups and keep on trucking. If you get caught up in a conversation with anyone with real crazy eyes, you may hear some stuff that can never be unheard. Don’t take the risk–those eyes warned you of the craziness from the get-go.

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Wine2TheRescue

Wine2TheRescue is a legal marketing pro & blogger out of Washington, D.C. who spends most of her time trying to not trip up escalators while multi-tasking on her phone. As a recent graduate & expert twenty-something, she’s still trying to get the hang of balancing her work schedule with her daily required wine intake. She's a contributing writer for TSM & Post Grad Problems.

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