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The 5 Stages Of Grief When You Don’t Get The Job

drinking-alone

I have a few friends who have told me they’ve gotten every job they’ve ever applied for. You may have a friend like that as well. What I’d like to say to these people–and I think I speak for everyone reading this site–is fuck you, asshole. The worst is getting that condescending email stating, “While your education, experience, and qualifications are impressive, we have decided to pursue more qualified applicants at this time.” I once applied for a job in college to swipe IDs at the rec center and was passed up for a guy in my fraternity who had a 0.0 GPA and failed out at the end of the year. Maybe I just suck at interviewing, who knows? This is what it’s like when you don’t get the job.

1. Shock

How did I not get the job, or at least a third interview? My resume and cover letter were immaculate. I nailed those situational questions. I had specific, measurable results to prove my competence. My closing statement sounded like it had been written by a White House aide. How the hell did I not get this job?

2. Anger

Fuck that recruiter. Fuck that interviewer. Fuck that company. I’m going to find where they live and…never mind. *random object thrown, shattered* But seriously, everyone at that company is dead to me.

3. Bargaining

Maybe I should have printed out my sales numbers instead of memorizing them. Maybe I should have worn my navy suit and not the one with pinstripes. Damnit, I knew that was too flashy. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn cologne. It could have been too distracting and the interviewer was probably overpowered by my musk.

4. Depression

Why did I spend $80 thousand for a piece of paper if I’m not qualified for entry-level jobs that only require a degree? What am I even “qualified” for? Why the hell am I here, God? Someone please, show me the way to this happy life I’m supposed to have after college, with this “exciting career” I was promised as a kid.

5. Acceptance

Holy shit, I’m hungover. What did I do last night? *checks text messages and online bank statement* Drunk texted that recruiter because she “sounded hot on the phone,” and ordered $50 worth of food from Pizza Hut. I probably shouldn’t apply for anything at that company again. And where the fuck is that food? Well, this bank statement isn’t going in the right direction right now–better get back on CareerBuilder to see what the hell I’m “qualified” for now.

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