I spend close to two hours a day commuting to and from my job via public transit, and I can admit, there are a few perks. Each morning I get to spend an hour wrecking my friends in Trivia Crack and making sure my village defenses are geared up for a full workday of clan warfare. Then, due to frighteningly loose alcohol policies, I spend my afternoons seeing how many Busch Light tall boys I can pour into my gullet in the 50-minute trip between the office and my home.
While that may make public transit sound like a pretty attractive alternative, it’s like trying to compare Comcast’s customer service with an annual prostate exam. No matter how you look at it, you’re getting fucked. Arguably, the largest part of what makes public transit so uncomfortable is the people you encounter while on it.
1. The Crazies
All the people who are too crazy to drive a car are somehow more than capable of piling into a train or bus and screaming their way from point A to point B. I’ve always wondered where these people are going and why it’s so important that they get there during rush hour. Maybe they’re worried they’re going to run out of commuters to scream Bible passages at by 10 a.m. The fact that they have to make an announcement barring soliciting and gambling on the train should be a decent indication of some of the ratchet shit that slips through the cracks each day.
2. The Sick Guy
If you’re fortunate enough to not be seated in the insane asylum car, you’ll probably end up right next to the guy with the first documented case of typhoid fever since 1909. His two broken arms will keep him from covering his mouth while he spreads whooping cough with the greatest of ease, and if you’re lucky, he might just have a secret or two to whisper into your face. Something about the way this guy looks tells you that he washes his hands with just water, and that inner-ear infection he’s rocking has him stumbling around holding on to you for support.
3. The Guy Who Takes A Big Dump On The Train
Honestly, why do trains even have bathrooms? You shouldn’t be allowed to move at 65 MPH and take a dump at the same time. If you have to go bad enough to use a train bathroom, then you knew you had to go before you got on. If you don’t have enough foresight to go before you get on the train then you should be forced to get off at the nearest stop and reevaluate your life decisions. Maybe tomorrow you won’t drink five protein shakes for breakfast. Perhaps this is the week that you cut Del Taco out of your diet.
4. The Loud Cell Phone Talkers
Nothing helps me with my morning commute nap like someone sitting behind me having a screaming match over conversion rates, consumer experience, or some other work-related bullshit at 7 in the morning. If you were genuinely important enough to be having loud, work-related conversations at this hour, you wouldn’t be commuting on a train. Bonus points if they’re calling home to Bangladesh, screaming to their wives in Bengali about (judging by the volume and intensity of the conversation) their impending divorce.
Hop off your cell and take a minute to empathize. Some of us are trying to hype up for another nine hours of browsing Reddit and searching for jobs in our cubes.
5. Public Transit Employees
The people that work for the transit system are, by far, the biggest assholes you’ll run into when commuting. Something about wearing a spiffy hat and carrying around a hole punch turns men into monsters. It’s like I pay nearly $200 a month to feel like an inmate at Gitmo for two hours a day while the conductors peruse the aisles like seasoned prison guards.
If you manage to screw up and forget that monthly pass, the same employee sees you use every day will drag you up to the engine car for what I can only assume is a day of hard labor to work off your debts.
I wish I didn’t have to take the train each day but given the choice between paying two grand a month in rent to live close to my office or simply commute, I’ll take the commute. For everyone who took public transit in this morning, please do us all a favor and be sure to wash your hands when you get in the office. .
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