Your 20-something years might be the best 10-something years of your life. It’s a time of growth and exploration: a time for trying new things, taking chances, and making mistakes while you have the ability to bounce back from complete and utter failure. You’re old enough to know what you’re doing, but you’re not nearly old enough to cause complete and irrevocable devastation to your life just yet. Well, unless you commit some sort of horrible crime, in which case, I can’t help you there. Sorry. But this is a fantastic time to reflect on who you are and who you want to be, and if you so choose, you can transform into just about anyone you want to be. It’s like starting high school or college all over again–you can be whoever you want.
But then there are those who choose to just be complete and utter douches in their twenties. I’m all about freedom of choice, but I don’t understand why some people just choose to be obnoxious, annoying, insufferable, or all the above. I’m not sure what possesses people to wake up and say, “Hmm, I’m gonna grow all my vegetables organically in my closet and then go on Facebook diatribes about how everyone else is stupid for not doing so and feeding into Monsanto, which is just gonna kill them.” Just do us all a favor and shut up. Eat your damn organic celery and leave us alone.
Brew Your Own Beer
I don’t honestly have a problem with people who brew their own beer. None at all, actually. The world could use more beer–it would make it a much better place. I do, however, have a problem with people who share it all over social media and expect people to give a shit. I get it, craft brewing is the way of the future apparently, and they all have to start somewhere, but don’t you think you’d be better off making your beer with proper brewing equipment at a location that isn’t your bedroom closet in your Bushwick apartment? Probably. Unless you plan to get a warehouse, proper equipment, and a solid staff to brew beer right, just go to the store and buy a case of Pabst. Nobody wants to drink your bullshit IPA. Leave the hard work to the pros.
Brag About Not Having A TV
My TV is one of my favorite things in the world. I’m not ashamed at all to say that I pay for cable, and I even negotiated me some HBO and a DVR. I don’t always want to go to a bar to watch basketball and football games, and I’m not content to just watch Netflix, Hulu, or something like that on a computer. Why? It’s nice to have the choice, but sometimes, I just want someone to choose what I watch for me. There are people who work hard day in and day out to put things on TV for me to watch, so the least I can do is watch it. Frankly, it’s rude not to.
What I don’t understand is people who brag about not having a TV. “Hey, did you watch the finale of ‘Breaking Bad’?” “No, I don’t own a TV, it’s so bourgeois.” “Oh.” The person who asked you that isn’t going to think, “Oh, that person is so cool and edgy, I want to be friends with him!” No, that person will think, “Jeez, what a wet blanket. I bet if I invited him over to watch football, he’d bring over some home-brewed beer and I’d be obligated to drink it. No way, Jose.”
I get that having a TV is a luxury, and frankly, most people aren’t willing to pay a cable company hundreds a month for channels they’ll never probably watch (if the service is even working, which it most likely isn’t). Without a TV, I’d have to read, interact with people, or sit alone in the darkness with my own demons, and that’s just not happening.
Actually, Just Bragging In General
Here are a couple facts about being in your twenties, especially your early twenties: we are all poor, we all have shitty jobs, we have crappy apartments, and we’re all just trying to get by and figure out our lives so the rest of our twenties aren’t like the beginning of our twenties. We’re all young and dumb, and that’s great. But the minute you start pretending you’re better than everyone else and you make no attempt to hide that fact is the precise moment you become a dick. I don’t care if you’re the biggest hotshot young trader on Wall Street or a dietitian at a great hospital, you’re still the lowest person on the totem pole, and you’ve been at your job for a hot second. Stop pretending it’s better than anyone else’s. Oh, you have a great apartment? Don’t rub it in, your parents pay your rent just like they pay for the boat you’re always taking pictures on. You didn’t earn shit, so stop pretending like yours doesn’t stink, okay? If you’re the kind of person who intentionally runs into college friends and asks how they’re doing for the sole purpose of getting yourself off on the smug satisfaction that you’re better than they are, do yourself a favor and shove it up your own ass. If only all your daddy’s money could buy you a personality.
The benchmark for annoying behavior should be measured on the “Andre” scale. If Andre from “The League” does it, avoid it like the plague. Don’t wear fedoras, don’t design your loft with garbage chic and then marry your awful interior designer, and for the love of God, don’t eat food that you find growing on the side of the road. Look, growing your own fruit and vegetables can be kind of awesome. It not only fills you with a sense of pride that you grew something in the soil with your bare hands, but it also doesn’t really cost you anything. But if you’re walking around through nature trails, on the side of the road, in parks, etc., looking for things to add to a salad, you’re an idiot. If you’re looking for food in dumpsters or in the trash, that’s not cool–you’re an overpriced apartment away from being homeless. I knew someone who would dumpster dive after he learned a certain 20-something favorite grocery store (hint: it rhymes with Shmader Shmoe’s) threw away all its fresh food that went unsold at the end of the day. While it’s a horribly wasteful practice to throw out that food, you’re still eating it out of a trash can. Have some dignity.
Listen, if you want to get married the minute you graduate college and start a life together, that’s your decision. You do what you gotta do and make the best choices for yourself. We’re all eventually going to go off and do the same thing, or, rather, most of us will. But if you’re going to have a baby when you’re basically still a baby yourself, that’s where I start to see red flags. I’m personally at the point where I retch when I see a sonogram picture on Facebook, and if someone changes it to her profile picture, I full on projectile vomit. I don’t want to go to baby showers at 23, because I don’t see why my beer money should go to someone my age who decided to have a baby. Sorry, buy your own damn baby booties.
I couldn’t possibly think of having a kid at my age, but that’s because I know full well that I do NOT have my shit together and “love” doesn’t pay the bills. You can’t put clothes on a kid’s back with tenderness and care, and you can’t feed a kid with affection…especially when the “tap” runs dry, if you know what I mean.
If you want to move in with someone in your twenties, that’s awesome. If you want to get engaged, that’s cool, too. If you want to get married, fine, do it. Buy a house, buy a car, buy spinning rims, whatever. But if you bring a kid into this world while you’re pretty much “playing house” and you have no plan other than just “winging it,” you’re just being irresponsible. If you want to pretend to have some responsibility, get a fish. Prove you can keep that alive. Then get a dog or a cat. Because you can’t give a kid back when it’s being annoying, and you can’t pawn it off on your parents. You’ve got that thing for 18 years and you have a responsibility not to completely fuck up its life. Got it? Good..