I’ve always had bad road rage. Really bad road rage. When I realized I had to commute to get to work, I considered getting a bull bar to play bumper cars with the crappy commute cretins. It’s not so much that I have anger issues. It’s more that most of the people they let drive these days are intellectual inferiors to a bar of soap. People are really dumb, and there’s no place they love to show it more than on the road when you’re late to work or hightailing it to happy hour.
1. The Wrong Lane Guy
There is absolutely nothing to like about Wrong Lane Guy. Wrong Lane Guy not only has in-state, but in-county plates. He freaking lives here, and he probably drives on this road every day. For whatever lead-paint-in-the-nursery reason he forgets what lane he needs to be in and has to cross over several lanes of heavy traffic to either get in the correct lane or to get out of the wrong lane. No, dude, the giant green signs posted in plain view for the past two miles definitely did not designate this lane to be an exit-only lane, so by all means please wait until traffic is bumper to bumper before you swerve away from the exit so you can now block not one but two lanes of heavy traffic. No worries, I’m sure none of the 20 drivers who now have to wait on you in order to exit had any plans today. Wrong Lane Guy, I hope you get smothered in your sleep by the Mack Truck driver you just cut off.
2. The Hot Shot
These guys generally drive black luxury cars like BMW or Mercedes coupes. They weave through us “peasants” (anyone not driving a car that didn’t cost an arm and a leg) for no apparent reason other than to be a dick. These guys always show up when traffic is flowing well and they don’t seem to be satisfied with everyone going well over the
speed limit. No, that’s not good enough. They have to weave through traffic, cutting people off by dangerously close margins without using a turn signal or giving you the courtesy wave for letting them in front of you. And since you never see these guys get a ticket, they will keep doing it. I think some good samaritan out there with an old Ford F-350 with a grill guard needs to test the structural stability of the Hot Shot’s driver’s side door.
3. Cell Phone Sally
Cell Phone Sally is a Chatty Cathy, and she never drives without using her cell phone in one way or another. If she’s not texting, she’s yapping away–and of course she’s not mentally capable of talking and driving at the same time. She drives so slowly it severely impedes the flow of traffic, all for the sake of bitching about Taylor Swift’s shoes at the AMAs. It’s not just slow driving, either. She doesn’t use turn signals and it takes 8 million eons for her to change lanes or turn because her phone hand is in the way of her turning her head. It’s absolutely infuriating to watch her slowly drift from one lane into another, slow enough to the point where you wonder if she has suffered some sort of stroke and the car is just drifting. Totally oblivious to the world around her, Cell Phone Sally is natural selection waiting to happen. Those who are mentally incapable of phone use and driving simultaneously must not survive to reproduce. Thanks for my justification, Darwin.
4. The Left Lane Lunkhead
Oh man, do I hate this jackass. The Left Lane Lunkhead is that guy, that fucking guy, who hogs the left lane and drives 5 mph below the speed limit but then speeds up when he sees you trying to pass him on the right. This guy–it’s always a guy–has such a tiny dick that the only way he can feel like a man is by dangerously impeding the flow of traffic by keeping the faster cars out of the left lane. He has such a big chip on his shoulder that it has a built-in sensor for when a courteous driver is trying to help keep traffic moving. Will he move to the right lane to free up traffic for the rest of us? Fuck no. The only time he gets out of the left lane is when he has to exit. Then he transforms from the Left Lane Lunkhead to the Wrong Lane Guy and cuts across three lanes of traffic, holding onto his beloved left lane until the very last minute. The only solace I have in Left Lane Lunkhead’s existence is that his wife is probably getting porked by the UPS man as he slowly drives home in the left lane.
5. The Tailgater
There’s nothing quite like cruising along in the middle lane at 5 or 10 mph over the speed limit, keeping an eye out for cops, when some obnoxious car gets right on your ass. The Tailgater uses a curiously poorly thought out attempt to make you speed up. When these assholes start playing this game, I make the entire goal of my commute to piss this guy off until he snaps and speeds by me right into a speed trap. I either slow down to 5 mph below the speed limit and make him slowly grind away at his teeth or I slam on the brakes repeatedly until he gets the message and backs off a bit. The Tailgater has this narcissistic illusion that he can intimidate someone into driving faster by tailing at a Hot Wheels car-length behind other people. The Tailgater needs to be put in his place–preferably a shallow hole in the ground in the middle of nowhere.