I’ve written ad nauseum about dating and relationships and I’ve recently noticed that a lot of my jokes and columns have come off a little bit “I’m single, woe is me,” which is kinda hilarious given how much I’ve enjoyed singlehood over the last few years. So I think it’s only fair that I give some props to the dating state I’ve been in for so long and talk about the good parts of being single.
1. Being your own boss
I’ve found that being with/around girls generally helps me be a good person. Not only do I try harder, but they remind me to do or not do certain things that are just better for me overall. When you’re dating someone, you’re much less likely to try anything stupid. They’re gonna look at something silly and remind you of that. And because you respect their opinion, you’ll usually second guess yourself. But you know what? I like making mistakes. I like saying, “I know this is a horrible idea, but fuck it, I wanna see how it plays out.”
2. Not having to think about your clothes
Listen, I’m a pretty sharp dresser, okay? I like to look good, but sometimes I just wanna throw on the first comfortable things I see and not give a second thought to it. And maybe in a five-year relationship I’ll get to that point, but in every romantic entanglement I’ve gotten myself into, I’ve always maintained my need to keep a polished image. That’s not to say that I don’t throw on a T-shirt and gym shorts when I’m with a girl, but I still keep them color coordinated. Once you make the effort to match your shirt with your elastic shorts, you’ve already negated the philosophical reason behind wearing them. And girls fucking notice, too. I walked out of my room wearing maroon shorts and a red shirt. Did I know that it looked fucking terrible? Yes. Was I hungover and only in the mood for pizza and shitty action movies and not giving a shit about it? Definitely. So when my roommate’s girlfriend chose to make fun of my color combination, I reminded her that I could wear whatever I wanted because I wasn’t trying to have sex with her later that night.
3. Staying in shape
Well okay, obviously I didn’t personally get the memo on this one, but you know what I’m saying. When you’re dating someone, it can be hard to muster up the will to go to the gym/not eat everything that has cheese as a main ingredient. It’s why so many happy couples balloon up. People joke about women adding marriage weight, but dudes are just as guilty of this. The undeniable fact is that most people don’t work out for their own health, but to look better for the opposite sex. If you’re out there competing for the scarce number of single people you’re attracted to with a bunch of other goons, you need every advantage you can get. Guys know that having strong forearms and a cut torso are phenomenal advantages. Same goes for girls with flat stomachs and toned butts. But you guys knew that already.
4. Eating whatever, whenever
Does this fly in the face of staying in shape? Absolutely. Am I worried about the inconsistencies in my argument? Pretty much never. Before you say anything, couples, I get it. You two cute little lovebirds love ordering pizza and watching Netflix in bed all day. Cool. That’s not what I’m talking about, though. Sometimes you just wanna eat something that makes no logical sense, or seems like it was constructed by a scientist who’s studying the use of cholesterol as a biological weapon. Girls and guys alike enjoy a massive bowl of nachos topped with whatever they happen to have on hand. But personally, I don’t wanna share those with anyone. Not because I’m greedy (even though I am), I have just never eaten a plate of chili cheese chips with cream cheese, mustard, and hot dog slices and then immediately thought, “You know what, I should be around other humans right now”. Especially when that other human is someone you’re dating. If you have any desire to have sex with a person again, it’s probably in your best interest not to let them witness you eating any of the things that pop into your stupid brain after midnight while drinking several glasses of hooch.
5. Having sex with other people
All the time! Wherever you want! Or more accurately, as often as you are attractive and only whenever you’re in the vicinity of someone also single (or with low ethical standards about cheating) who also happens to find you to be at said level of attraction.
SO ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?!