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The 47 Most Offensively Stereotypical Things You Can Do As A White Person

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  1. Getting blackout drunk at an afternoon minor league baseball game and screaming “SO GOOD. SO GOOD.” into the face of the father of four sitting next to you while “Sweet Caroline” plays softly in the background.
  2. “Well, if there can be a black student union…I’m just saying! It seems unfair.”
  3. Dad dancing.
  4. Mom jeans.
  5. Hawaiian shirts at the airport.
  6. “It’s cool. I have a friend who is black/Asian/from Miami.”
  7. Referring to Taylor Swift as “TSwift.”
  8. FUND the police.
  9. Never entering certain parts of town. Also see: referring to someone as being “from the wrong side of the tracks.”
  10. Despite the outbreak of HIV/AIDS, vicious drug crimes, an economic crisis, and a horrific oil spill, really, really, loving the 80s.
  11. “No offense.”
  12. Starting a blog about running a 5k.
  13. Referring to other cultures’ names as “made up” but seeing nothing wrong with calling a child “Paisley” or “Lakelynn.”
  14. Barn weddings featuring mason jars, cowboy boots, and a rabbi.
  15. Chasing Ambien with white wine purchased from Target.
  16. The “Rachel” haircut. Even 20 years later.
  17. “White people were slaves, too! Like. Probably. At some point in history. I don’t really know.”
  18. Being either a Jackie or a Marilyn.
  19. Charging a Diet Coke from McDonalds to an Amex “for the points.”
  20. “Shabby chic” decor.
  21. Halo engagement rings that turn .5 carats into glittery ring pops.
  22. Having absolutely no idea what gluten is — and still not eating it.
  23. “My therapist said…”
  24. Referring to “the good old days” despite never having lived in them.
  25. Posting anti-vaccine statuses to Facebook because Jenny McCarthy said they were bad.
  26. Really sympathizing with Jennifer Aniston.
  27. Going into debt because of Whole Foods and Lululemon.
  28. “Yo quiero the chicken enchiladas with pinto beans and a side of guacamole — yes, I know it’s extra — por favor.”
  29. Catch and release fishing.
  30. Claiming that the ’08 election was a gloriously historic day for America — despite having voted for McCain.
  31. Locking the car windows while pretending to talk on the phone whenever a homeless person walks by.
  32. Marrying your high school sweetheart in an elaborate, Pinterest-inspired wedding.
  33. “I would die in prison.”
  34. Requesting to speak to the manager.
  35. Extreme couponing, not out of necessity, but because there is nothing else to do. TLC just made it look so interesting and fun.
  36. Not knowing the true definition of the word “ghetto.”
  37. Pulling out a tip calculator and leaving exactly 20%. Not a penny more.
  38. Hating the idea of universal healthcare and then complaining about insurance deductibles.
  39. Saying it was homemade when it was really from a box.
  40. Black and white Christmas cards featuring a beach, blue jeans, and white oxfords.
  41. Being a xenophobe.
  42. Thinking that moving to the suburbs will fix a marriage. Same goes for kids.
  43. Signing up for “word of the day” emails in order to appear smarter.
  44. “He/she is attractive for an [insert minority here].”
  45. Greek letter tattoos.
  46. Venti quad four pump hazelnut quarter inch inch steamed breve Americano.
  47. “USA” chants.

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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