I’m nowhere close to being married. I’m slowly but surely maturing through my 20s, but I still like to black out regularly, wake up in strange places and live life for myself. Walk into my apartment and you realize how single I am. That print of my city’s skyline I bought a month ago? Shit’s still sitting on my coffee table, unhung, because I have no idea where to put it. The only mirror is in my bathroom and there’s a cache of empty Miller Lite cans next to the sink. I can’t see my bathroom from my desk, but I’m guessing the TP is sitting on the back of the can rather than on the roll. Single. As. Fuck.
That being said, I enjoy monogamously dating girls on a fairly consistent basis. Hell, I’ve had long term relationships that I foolishly thought would go the distance. Besides, if you keep going to family functions without being able to say you’re at least “seeing” someone, family members are going to start whispering about you. Before you finally find “The One,” you really need to see the full spectrum to see what you don’t like. With America being the cultural melting pot that we are, you have no excuses not to. Without further ado.
The Rich Girl
Listen, I wasn’t raised a charity case, but I certainly am not a member of the 1%. Dating a girl with money though was still a real eye opener for me. Let’s start with the obvious: birthdays and Christmases will rock your world. Here I am in college, scraping together a couple hundred bucks for Christmas presents because all my money went into my bar tabs, and I’m dating the rich girl. Boy, did I feel poor. While I stuck with the classic sentimental gifts and a bunch of jewelry, she went all out. And her parents went all out. New Ralph pea coat, cashmere scarves, a fucking Xbox. Just a total bloodbath for your boy. We broke up a couple of months later and I’ve always figured the fact that I couldn’t keep up with the Jones’ was part of it. Oh well.
When you date a rich chick that opens up the wallet, the world is your oyster. The family might take you with them to Christmas in Cabo. You’re going to be having dinner with her folks over bottles of wine worth more than your life. She might even just pick up the bar tab every time (guessing this happens.) Just know that a lot of times, you might feel poor as shit and if you’re unlucky, she’s going to hold it against you.
Rich don’t marry upper middle class. Rich marry rich. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.
The Hippie Chick
She might be rich, might be poor but either way, she doesn’t care. You don’t have to impress her with money or gifts. She just wants you to go to acoustic concerts or do yoga or go hiking in the mountains. Definitely wants to chief some joints with you, if you’re into those sorts of things. If you’re self-absorbed and materialistic, they’re a welcome relief and make you think outside the box. For whatever reason, these types of girls are into the sex, and you’re definitely into those sorts of things.
The Girl With Opposite Beliefs
Disclaimer: I don’t fucking care how you vote as long as you don’t throw it in my face. I’m as politically/morally set in my ways as I’ll ever be. If I voted Democrat, my folks would excommunicate me faster than you can say “Benghazi.” However, I had a long term relationship in college with a girl that was a dyed in the wool liberal. Her parents listened religiously to NPR, ate granola for breakfast, lunch and dinner and drove hybrids. Just the total opposite of how I grew up. It wasn’t that bad and showed me that it’s completely okay to have different beliefs than somebody. Too often today everyone is reading or watching what they want to see and not experiencing something to challenge that belief system. It’s important to get out of your comfort zone and if you’re going to do that, why not do it with a rad chick that might give you morning blowies?
The Older Woman
Let’s call an “older woman” a woman who is older than 35. I haven’t dated an older woman, but I have interacted with them enough to accurately ad lib here. Older women know exactly what they want and they communicate it very quickly. Is she divorced and just looking to feel younger and get her rocks off with a younger guy for a few months? You’ll know within a week or two. Is she looking to still have kids before 40? First, run for the fucking hills. Second, you’ll know it because her Facebook is nothing but pictures of her and her cats and nieces and nephews, if she hasn’t said it 30 minutes into the first date.
Older women generally have jobs and successful careers which means you’re not constantly paying for everything. They have things to do on Sunday other than lay in bed watching NFL and eating pizza so they always make checkout time (10 a.m. for guests, 10:30 for regulars). The savvy ones might even make you an omelet before they leave. At this point in my life, I know exactly what I want and how I want it, and there’s no better way to get that than with an older woman..