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The 238 Best Things About America, In Honor Of Her 238th Birthday

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Happy Birthday, America! As Willard Scott would say, you’re 238 Years Young! You don’t look a day over 237, you beautiful, buxom bastion of freedom, you. In fact, as Chris Rock said in the WAY too underrated film “Head of State,” “If America was a woman, she would be a big-titty woman, and EVERYBODY loves a big-titty woman.”

And so we do. We’re the little nation that could that turned into the big, unstoppable juggernaut that celebrates its independence from those tea-sipping motherfuckers by blowing Chinese-made shit up, racing fast cars, crashing monster trucks together and airing a “Price is Right” all-military special episode. You thought we were a “City Upon a Hill?” Fuck that, John Winthrop, we’re the Kingdom atop the highest peak of Mount Olympus. This is the greatest nation on the face of the earth, and I could think of about 13,000 reasons why. But I’ll narrow it down to 238. Why? Because it’s poetic, that’s why. America invented poetry. ….We didn’t? Whatever, then we made it much fucking better. Edgar Allan Poe? American. Take that, William Shake-and-Bake.

In no particular order…

  1. 50 Stars
  2. 13 Stripes
  3. Red
  4. White
  5. Amber Waves of Grain
  6. Purple Mountain Majesties
  7. The Fruited Plain
  8. Ronald “The Gipper” Reagan
  9. Mayonnaise
  10. Hot dogs
  11. The cool, refreshing taste of Bud Light — “”
  12. Baseball
  13. Apple Pie
  14. Mom
  15. Blue
  16. MILFs
  17. Corvette
  18. Bruce Springsteen
  19. …and The E-Street Band
  20. Freedom Fries
  21. Freedom
  22. Cool Whip
  23. Truth
  24. Justice
  25. The American Way
  26. Superman (the original illegal Alien)
  27. Corn Dogs
  28. State Fairs
  29. State Fair Corn Dogs
  30. Frying the shit out of everything
  31. Fried Oreos
  32. Fried Twinkies
  33. Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters
  34. The Bill of Rights
  35. The Bill of Clinton
  36. The Thirteen Colonies
  37. #TBT
    506px-Map_of_territorial_growth_1775.svg
  38. George Washington
  39. George Washington’s bloodlust for motherfucking cherry trees
  40. George Washington’s wooden teeth and syphillis
  41. “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”
  42. Ellis Island
  43. The Gettysburg Address
  44. Abraham Lincoln’s stovepipe hat
  45. Archie Bunker’s Chair
  46. Archie Bunker
  47. Television (You’re welcome, rest of the world)
  48. Puerto Rico
  49. TIE: Peanuts and Cracker Jack
  50. The Cotton Gin
  51. The Gin Bucket
  52. Fraternities
  53. Sororities
  54. Rush Boobs
  55. Total Frat Move
  56. Fake Tits
  57. The Alamo
  58. Rock and Roll
  59. Elvis Presley
  60. “Saturday Night Live” (From 1975 to about 2008)
  61. Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry Soda
  62. Chicken fried Steak
  63. Steak fried Chicken
  64. Jack Black
  65. Tenacious D
  66. Netflix
  67. PornHub
  68. YouPorn
  69. Actually, just porn in General
  70. Hugh Hefner
  71. Bacon (the breakfast meat, not the man)
  72. Bacon (the man, not the breakfast meat)
  73. David Letterman
  74. Johnny Carson
  75. Team America: World Police
  76. John Madden
  77. The Declaration of Independence
  78. Las Vegas
  79. Jack Daniels
  80. Johnny Walker
  81. Jack Bauer
  82. Long Island Iced Tea
  83. Hazing
  84. McDonald’s
  85. American Apparel
  86. Beyoncé
  87. Valium
  88. Colonoscopies
  89. Brian Williams
  90. Jimmy Fallon
  91. The KFC Double Down
  92. Secret Menus at Fast Food Restaurants
  93. Quesaritos
  94. Marilyn Monroe
  95. Marilyn Manson
  96. JFK
  97. RFK
  98. The RFK/Triboro Bridge
  99. The Golden Gate Bridge
  100. Jeff Bridges
  101. Howard Stern
  102. Yelling “Baba Booey” behind a live news camera
  103. Charlie Sheen
  104. Martin Sheen
  105. Emilio Estevez
  106. The Mighty Ducks
  107. D2: The Mighty Ducks
  108. Beatin’ your meat
  109. Grilling
  110. Charcoal
  111. Propane and Propane Accessories
  112. WE’RE #1! WE’RE #1!
  113. Foam Fingers
  114. Doing “The Wave”
  115. Brooklyn
  116. Kansas (the band)
  117. Missouri (the state)
  118. Aaron Sorkin and everything that’s ever come out of his mouth
  119. George Washington Carver
  120. Comic Books
  121. Going balls-to-the-wall
  122. Pro Wrestling
  123. Stan “The Man” Lee
  124. Rambo
  125. Kenny Powers
  126. Pizza
  127. Bagels
  128. Lox
  129. Captain America AKA Steve Rogers
  130. Mashing any video up to “America, Fuck Yeah”
  131. “Star Trek”
  132. “Star Wars”
  133. “Spaceballs
  134. TIE: Peanuts (the food) / Peanuts (the comic strip)
  135. FOOOOOOOOOTBAWLLLLLLLLLL
  136. Every NFL team except the Redskins (Until they change their name, naturally)
  137. Michael Jordan
  138. “Space Jam”
  139. The NFL (sometimes)
  140. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver
  141. Walt Disney World
  142. Walt Disney himself
  143. Patriotism
  144. Fireworks
  145. Sex
  146. The Internet
  147. John Adams
  148. Sam Adams
  149. Amy Adams
  150. “The Addams Family”
  151. Catching all 150 Pokémon
  152. “Oh fuck, I forgot to catch Mew”
  153. DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BATMAN.
  154. “The Simpsons”
  155. “Top Gun”
  156. Maverick
  157. Goose
  158. Beach Volleyball
  159. Basketball
  160. Jerry Seinfeld
  161. John Belushi, may he rest in peace
  162. “Animal House”
  163. Starbucks
  164. Rodeos
  165. Doggy Style (the sex position)
  166. Doggystyle (the Snoop Dogg album)
  167. The First Amendment
  168. Christmas
  169. Capitalism
  170. George H.W. Bush
  171. George W. Bush
  172. Voting
  173. The night we got Bin Laden
  174. Democracy
  175. Day Drinking
  176. Kegs
  177. American Beers and Microbrews
  178. Ford F-150
  179. Chevy Tahoe
  180. The Blue Angels
  181. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater II
  182. Bourbon
  183. The American Flag/Old Glory
  184. Playing shit on a bugle
  185. Target
  186. “The Star Spangled Banner”
  187. Bald Motherfucking Eagles
  188. Bald everything (Just ask your girlfriend/my back)
  189. HBO
  190. Thongs
  191. Tinder
  192. “The Magic School Bus”
  193. Premarital Sex
  194. Postmarital Sex
  195. Hammocks
  196. Giving Zero Fucks
  197. Food Trucks
  198. World War II
  199. Total Sorority Move
  200. Post Grad Problems
  201. The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
  202. Being a Rowdy Gentleman
  203. Jay-Z
  204. Eminem
  205. TV Marathons (“I Love Lucy,” “Twilight Zone,” “Honeymooners,” etc.)
  206. Turning Down For What
  207. Croutons
  208. Futons
  209. The iPhone, iPod, and pretty much anything that starts with a lower-case “i”
  210. The Sybian
  211. Applebee’s
  212. Chipotle
  213. The (212) Area Code (aka New York City)
  214. California (knows how to party)
  215. Dogs. Also, puppies.
  216. Rudy Giuliani
  217. Texas (Don’t Mess With It)
  218. “Born to Run”
  219. The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather
  220. Walter Cronkite
  221. Woodward and Bernstein
  222. “The Big Game” (Copyright restrictions and what-not)
  223. Copyright Law
  224. “I Like Big Butts” by Sir Mix-A-Lot
  225. The United States Constitution
  226. A Government Of The People, By The People, For The People
  227. The White House
  228. Lee Greenwood
  229. Religious Freedom
  230. Freedom of the Press
  231. Saying “fuck you” to The British, King George III, et al. Pretty much all of the Europeans.
  232. Oprah Winfrey
  233. “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver”
  234. “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
  235. “The Tonight Show”
  236. T-Shirt Cannons
  237. Parades
  238. Abraham Lincoln
  239. The United States Armed Forces and their many members past and present, who dedicate and risk their lives to protecting the freedoms that we so enjoy; everything on the list above would not be possible without those brave men and women who are prepared to lay down their lives, day in and day out, to keep us safe, and to those that made the ultimate sacrifice for God and Country.

God Bless America.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful.

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