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The 2017 Lacrosse All-Name Team Has Been Announced And It’s Dripping With Success

The 2017 Lacrosse All-Name Team Has Been Announced And It's Dripping With Success

There are two major events I look forward to every year: The Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament’s All-Hair Team announcement, and Inside Lacrosse’s All-Name Team which showcases the most preposterously preppy names you could imagine. Year after year, the lists reads like a laundry list of CEOs sons who will travel abroad for two years after graduating from college before finally settling down and getting a corner office in Manhattan.

This year was no different, courtesy of Inside Lacrosse. While we have some repeats from year’s gone by (we see you, Shackleford Stanwick and Griffin Woodfinlevine), we’ve also got some A1 additions to this year’s stacked crew. Let’s explore.

FIRST TEAM
A – Shackleford Stanwick, Jr., Johns Hopkins
A – Keyveat Postell, Fr. Penn
A – Bear Altemus, Sr., Princeton
M – IV Stucker, Jr., Roanoke
M – Brickman House, Sr., Utica
M – Griffin Woodfinlevine, Sr., Montclair State
D – Sky Dupree, Fr., North Greenville
D – Coy Broderick, So., Hanover
D – Braylen Sampson, Jr., Byrant
G – Fitzhugh Lee, So., Air Force

While I’m not sure of eligibility rules in NCAA lacrosse, I’m slightly confused with Sky Dupree remaining a freshman after making a first team appearance last year, but he probably just redshirted.

Another favorite of mine is Fitzhugh Lee from Air Force. You can make pretty much any name into a country club name by simply putting “Fitz” in front of it. Fitzdavid Ruff? You’d mooch bottle service off him during a Memorial Day Weekend boys trip in Vegas.

SECOND TEAM
A – Tate Beason, Sr., Florida Tech
A – Blaine Stottlar, Sr., Lees-McRae
A – Robbie Betchley III, Sr., Furman
M – Brewster Warble, Fr., Brown
M – Broderick Vitalie, So., Holy Cross
M – Holden Rosen Grupp, Jr., Tufts
D – Alistair Berven, Sr., Princeton
D – Rich Mix, Jr., Benedictine
D – Stone Sims, Jr., Albany

You’d think that Furman’s Robbie Betchley would have never made the team without having triple sticks following his name, but things seem to fall into place for you when your parents hit you with those Roman numerals.

How Princeton’s Alistair Berven didn’t make the first team is beyond me, though. You have to think he’s looking at Coy Broderick and wondering how he got the nod ahead of him.

THIRD TEAM
A – Breanainn McNeally, Sr., RPI
A – Jameson Buttafuoco, Fr., Bryant
A – Declan Swartwood, Fr., St. John’s
M – Cougar Kirby, Fr. Albany
M – Greyson Torain, So., Navy
M – Joseph Joseph, Jr., York
D – Dallas Creamer, Jr., Stevens
D – Conn Curry, Jr., Roanoke
D – Winston Wenham, Jr., Ithaca
G – Viper Scheele, Fr., Bryant

The third team almost feels fake. Viper Scheele sounds like a villain in a hockey movie while Dallas Creamer sounds like a renegade who slings his yogurt all over Uptown every weekend. Jameson Buttafuoco and Cougar Kirby give off “terrible mafia movie” vibes, but I can’t even knock them for it.

A new year, and a new 2017 Lacrosse All-Name Team in the books.

[via Inside Lacrosse]

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Will deFries

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at will@grandex.co.

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