If you thought we weren’t going to put together a 2016 All Grandex Hair Team, then you were sadly mistaken. Grandex, the parent company of America’s favorite website, is home to so much A+ lettuce that I’ve very likely burned a few bridges narrowing this down to 5. With that being said, I took great pride in assembling this diverse cast of characters, many of whom have been accused of running afoul of traditional notions of hair play and substantial justice.
Allow me to present to you your 2016 Grandex All Hair Team.
Fun fact: Will was hired because his flow gave off a successful vibe, like in a Mitt Romney kind of way, and also because we saw this picture and assumed he could go low:
Okay, so maybe we were off about the golf thing, but we nailed it on the great hair. It’s even more dynamic in person. If you’ve never seen Will miserably hungover while eating breakfast and looking like Jason Sudeikis with an Oxy problem, then you’re missing out on one of the great two-handed-distressed-slickbacks this game has ever seen.
You see, we’re a great place work if you don’t mind people secretly recording you stressing the fuck out over your laptop. First try, too. Nice work, Willie. Hit em with the power hair, why don’t ya?
Chop it up, Dillionaire. If you thought I could assemble this team without noted TFM personality Roger J Dorn, then you were living in a fantasy world. Known for his ability to drink heavily and not acquire hangovers, Dillon also possesses an uncanny ability to wear a hat all day long and yet still have top-shelf flow underneath. It’s hard to believe, but I’ve seen it live and in the flesh. The guy’s an ageless wonder, but the silver wings he’s acquired since the sweet bird of youth left his shoulder just scream distinguished.
If you thought Bieber killed the power swoop, you were mistaken. The man with VP in his title could show up at any tailgate in the SEC and put everyone to shame. A controversial pick, mainly because he’s been accused of being a one-trick pony, our guy has refused to modernize his cut. If you look closely, you’ll see a little salt and pepper sprinkled across that ensalada, so you know he’s not playing games. Total throwback, which is something I can respect.
Slickback so hard motherfuckers wanna fine him. Literally, they tried to fine him once, but he was in international waters so they couldn’t. It’s like Pat Riley and Pat Bateman had a son who’s an Ad Exec in Midtown Manhattan.
Barrett holds the title of our Director of Product Development, but many know him as Dick Perry, the most polarizing “character” in TFM video history. But that’s in the past, and now he develops products. Products are sold, and everyone knows selling products equals business. Barrett does business, and business is best done with power hair. Nearly all of Barrett’s success can be attributed to the vintage Bombay power-slick he’s rocked his entire life. Sure, he’s a respectable guy, but you know he’s had a few things handed to him because nobody can say no to salad this spicy.
Of course, the guy who modeled for Abercrombie made the team. If Dylan’s bloodline has fictional characters in it, you can bet Zack Morris and The Great Gatsby are in it somewhere. It would be blasphemy to put “the other Dylan” in the same sentence as our boy, and Academy Award winner, Leo D., but I’ll be dammed if that flow doesn’t have a “Belfort on the yacht” vibe. Dylan’s a wildman on and off the field, and those follicles will obviously be at happy hour tonight. First rounds on me..
Images via Grandex’s own, Tasha Bates