Spring is coming up, which means adult sports leagues everywhere are going to suck $100 out of each of cubicle warrior all over the country and encourage us to relive our high school glory days. They want us to play their rec sports, ranging from coed kickball to volleyball to flag football.
Usually, adult sports leagues either allow you to register a whole team with your friends, or you can register as a free agent with a friend or two. If that’s the case, the administrators just place you on a team that needs players. But what if your flag football team was more like the NFL, where you could scout and draft your talent? If I was a GM for my coed flag football team on draft day, here are what my picks would be.
Round 1: The Hot Chick
Weight: 115 pounds
Overview: There are a lot of attractive girls in the draft, but she is the best looking by far. She has a gorgeous face, C cups, and a white girl butt that rivals Jennifer Aniston’s.
Strengths: She’s easy on the eyes, decently athletic, and flirtatious.
Weaknesses: She doesn’t know much about football, isn’t tremendously athletic, and only joined to meet attractive guys and get free post-game drinks.
Bottom Line: Aside from being an excellent distraction for guys on the other team, the hot chick is your ace in the hole if you have a rough season. Nothing takes the edge off a loss like being able to shamelessly check out the hot chick’s ass in cheerleading shorts.
Round 2: Your Best Friend
Weight: 197 pounds
Overview: Don’t kid yourself, you’re not hanging your best friend out to dry.
Strengths: You’ve played sports with him for years, so you have synergy. He’s a good athlete and he’s just as competitive as you are. He played football in high school and understands the plays.
Weaknesses: He focuses more on the hot chick’s ass than the snap count. He’s also occasionally hungover.
Bottom Line: In a draft like this, you have to be thankful for finding someone you know you can trust when shit hits the fan. You guys have been in sync for years, and you are damn sure you can win together.
Round 3: The Former College Football Player
Weight: 242 pounds
Overview: He started five games his entire college career and did not declare for the NFL Draft, but that doesn’t make him any less of an asset. He’s a helluva football player and you’d be an idiot not to draft him.
Strengths: He knows the game. He knows the plays. He’s an elite athlete and can probably play any position you need him to. No one is going to want to cover him, and he knows how to win.
Weaknesses: This is flag football. If he has some sort of Vietnam-style flashback, he’s getting ejected for decking someone on the opponent’s team. He may be competition for the hot chick’s attention. He may also be more competitive than you are–meaning you have a pretty high chance of seeing an adrenaline-based temper tantrum.
Bottom Line: You’d be an absolute idiot not to draft this guy. This man-beast is going to help you march up and down the field against every halfhearted flag football team in the league. If you wanted to find out whether or not adult sports leagues have a mercy rule, here’s your chance.
Round 4: The Freakishly Athletic Girl
Weight: 128 pounds
Overview: The chick quit Crossfit because it was too easy for her. She’s also already run three marathons this year. Who cares what she’s overcompensating for? She could probably kick the ass of every guy on the other team in more ways than one.
Strengths: She is freakishly athletic and irrationally competitive. She’s also the closest thing to a guy you’re going to get without going over your quota.
Weaknesses: I don’t really see any here. She may piss off or get pissed off by the hot chick, but girls disliking each other is not a newsflash–it’s inevitable.
Bottom Line: If you’ve ever wanted to see a chick beat up a guy over a flag football game, this is your ticket. She may even score a few touchdowns while she’s at it.
Round 5: The “Glory Days” High School Athlete
Weight: 170 pounds
Overview: He probably just ran cross country in high school, but throughout college, he played every intramural sport possible and signed up for adult sports leagues as soon as he got his diploma.
Strengths: He’s a good athlete and knows the rules. He’s probably played before and knows his position in and out.
Weaknesses: He thinks he knows everything about every sport and uses technical terms he learned from his high school quarterback coach’s son. It’s annoying as fuck. You’ll want to tell him he’s not special and that everyone knows what a back shoulder throw is.
Bottom Line: Because of his blind obsession and competitiveness in sports, he’s a decent athlete. He’s a bit of a douche, but he’ll be in the end zone more than once this season.
Round 6: The Butch Girl
Weight: 152 pounds
Overview: You’re not exactly sure, but she may have a criminal record. Her tattoos will make you–and every guy you will play against–extremely uncomfortable. She’s rock solid like a bowling pin and has a huge gender chip on her shoulder.
Strengths: She completes your female quota. She’s also built like a WNBA power forward and will likely be aggressive on the field.
Weaknesses: She doesn’t like for guys to tell her what to do, even if that guy happens to be the team captain. She may also try to compete with you for the hot chick. You’re not quite sure about her orientation.
Bottom Line: Tread lightly and let her take out her built up aggression on the opposing team. She’ll scare the shit out of them, allowing you to make big plays.
Round 7: The Runt
Weight: 150 pounds
Overview: Only the scrubs are left in the final round, and you found the scrubbiest scrub of all. He’s literally a marvel of nature. For goodness’s sake, he looks like the stickman from “The Blair Witch Project.”
Strengths: He’s marginally athletic and no one is going to think to cover him.
Weaknesses: There are girls on your team tougher than he is.
Bottom Line: You only drafted him so you could chant “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy” in the fourth quarter. Worth it.