Lately, work has got me down. Our building has finally finished some renovations, meaning new people are coming into my area. There’s been a lot of change, with new people, faces and lifestyles. Most of them have not been for the better either.
Prior to this, my workplace has gotten along quite harmoniously with few infractions. Due to the change in workplace culture, I thought it was appropriate to lay down some rules, albeit for the greater good of all offices across the board.
1. When thou killest the Joe, thou makes some mo’
Ever come into work and some dickwad finished the coffee? Worse yet, they left just a little in the bottom of the pot, so the smell of burnt grocery store brand coffee emanates through the halls. It’s disrespectful to the entire office to deprive others of their much needed caffeine fix. An army may march on their stomachs, but an office runs on caffeine. By not refilling the Joe, you singlehandedly ruin work productivity until a new pot is made.
If your office is fancy enough to have a Keurig, the same rules apply: put some damn water in the thing and don’t steal others K-Cups.
2. Keep thy music at a reasonable volume
I had a coworker who put on nothing but top 40. It was truly hell on earth. The day she got a new office was one of the best days in my 2.5 years of employment.
I’m all for listening to some tunes at work, within reason. As someone who is easily distracted, there is nothing worse than hearing drum machines, synthesizers and terrible garbage music that is popular today. Every time I hear Aloe Blacc’s “The Man” (I’ve heard this song in excess of fifty times), my blood boils.
3. When thou shits or pees, flush thy mother fucking toilet
Chalk this one up to the “no shit” department. Don’t people get taught at a young age to flush the toilet? You’re not saving water and it sucks having to piss into other people’s inconsiderate piss.
Likewise, if you drop a chocolate hotdog off, flush it down. We are not in India http://www.zmescience.com/medicine/flushing-toilets-billions-43232/. I hate when I go to use my favorite shitter and there’s enough toilet paper to wipe five asses and a huge turd nestled on top. Flush your shit down the toilet.
4. Do not put thy phone on speaker
The temp in my office refuses to keep her conference calls to herself. She is lazy, constantly eating and generally an unpleasant person http://postgradproblems.com/stop-being-an-ass-to-your-fellow-cubicle-warriors/. If it’s not conference calls, she is making personal calls all day. And you know what? They are always on speaker phone. If you do this, you are an asshole.
I had a four hour conference call yesterday. You know how shitty it is to hold your phone for that long? It sucks but I respect my coworkers enough to not make them listen to babbling, laughing and other general bullshit that comes with lengthy conference calls. Conference calls are a necessary evil. No one actually enjoys them but I’d rather sit at my desk and half pay attention than drive two to three hours to a meeting to experience the same thing.
5. Put thy garbage in the correct area
No one likes people who litter. In most places, the recycling and garbage are right next to each other. I care about the earth, and recycling isn’t something that requires a lot of effort. Throw your cans in the recycling and put the paper in the shredding area. Seriously, it’s not that hard.
6. When thou hast problems, figurest them the fuck out
I’m tired of people having problems that are easily solvable. We have Google, one of the greatest inventions of all time. This almost always involves Baby Boomers. Pledging gave me a unique experience that I feel everyone should know: figure it the fuck out. Every time someone emails me something that a simple Google search could answer, I wish I could send them this: http://lmgtfy.com/ The only source of knowledge is experience. –Albert Einstein –Michael Scott
7. Don’t shittest where thou eats
I’ve never played Russian Roulette and I never want to. Fucking a coworker is like playing Russian Roulette except instead of one bullet, it’s five. Really, it should be a 100-round revolver with 99 bullets but you get what I mean. Likewise, even if you are the one bullet, do you really want to go to work every day with your girlfriend/wife? When things get ugly (and they definitely will), do you want to be the guy or gal in the crosshairs or the happy bastard that watches the world burn?
My high school teacher did that and you know what happened? He cheated on her, got divorced and remarried, probably not to someone that he works with. Cut and dry, do not do it under any circumstance.
8. Don’t speak ill of others, lest gossip spread like the Plague
I, for the life of me, cannot understand why people can’t just go to work, get their work done and go home. We all work in close proximity and you never know people’s allegiances. I don’t engage in gossip because its bad business and you gain nothing. It’s better to keep quiet and thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
9. When sick, stay thy sick ass at home
This one is also filed under the “no shit” category. If your boss isn’t a total dick, he or she will let you stay home so you don’t infect the rest of the workforce with SARS. No one wants the flu and if you have it, I will politely yet firmly ask you to go home and get better.
10. Before coming into work, cleanse thyself. Likewise, do not overindulge in perfume/cologne
This one is a happy medium. I am not sure how people have this issue to be honest. I shower daily. Even if all you have time for is a PIRATE shower (pits and privates), it’s better than smelling like a wet dog or homeless person.
Likewise, don’t come to the office smelling like a high school locker room.
Cologne or perfume that lingers in the hallway or office sucks. It gets on your clothes, into your nostrils and frankly, this shit gives me headaches. I don’t own or use cologne because I am not an asshole, and I don’t want your Abercrombie and Fitch Fierce on my clothes all day.
If you are an adult, you should never use or own Axe. If you are a parent, don’t buy it for your kids. We can stamp out this scourge together.
Image via Shutterstock