Severing ties, calling it quits, getting dumped. You can call it whatever you’d like but the bottom line is that breaking up sucks. No one enters into a relationship, no matter how serious it becomes, with the intention of breaking up. But when/if it happens, it’s pretty much the worst.
Everyone has their breakup “thing.” Maybe it’s relentlessly bitching to your friends for six months, maybe it’s crying to Adele in the dark, maybe it’s just the old “getting over somebody by getting under someone else” technique. Regardless of your tactics for moving on from the someone who is no longer your someone, there are some rules that you should follow any time you find yourself going through a break up.
1. Thou Shalt Not Drunk Text.
We’re all adults here. If you are still unable to hold your liquor and hold in the urge to send that typo ridden “I miss you”/”I hate you”/”Are you fucking Katie?” text, you need to reevaluate some things. Get a friend (or a spotter, let’s call a spade a spade) and make sure to never consume alcohol without them present until you can keep your little fingers from tappity-tapping on your own. No drunk text has ever ended with a beautiful reconciliation. Mostly it’s just getting your drunk ass passed around at bar while your ex says, “God they’re desperate.”
2. Thou Shalt Not Get A Haircut.
I don’t know what it is about relationships ending that makes girls want to suddenly go blonde but for the love of God: DON’T. If you can’t listen to “Someone Like You” or “When I Was Your Man” without getting misty, you cannot be trusted to make drastic appearance changes. Now is the time to re-read “My Sister’s Keeper,” not try pink hair because it looks “fun.”
3. Thou Shall Stalk Carefully.
I can toot my horn about not Facebook stalking your ex and their new squeeze, but let’s face it: eventually, you will cave and get deep on their social media. But be careful. If you are the ex who likes a picture from 28 weeks back of them at Disney World, you are establishing yourself as the ex who can’t let go. And don’t get weird with it. Just because you knew their password doesn’t mean you should try logging in again. That’s too far, Patriot Act. Too far.
4. Thou Shall Purge.
I am a big believer in the Post-Breakup Purge. Take all of their shit, and all of the shit that reminds you of them (gifts, photos, that margarita maker you both bought thinking you’d be barbecuing a bunch that summer) and get rid of it. Have a going out of business sale, also known as an impulsive yard sale where you sell all of the crap you don’t need anymore. Hey, if you can make a buck and get rid of a shirt that will never stop reminding you of them, it’s a win-win.
5. Remember The Mutual Friendships And Keep Them Civil.
The reality of being with someone for a while is that you are going to have some shared friendships. Maybe it’s another couple you met together, maybe it’s their roommate. It doesn’t really matter where they came from, just that both of you are their friend. The part that really bites is sometimes those people will pick sides. You have to let them. It’s going to suck, and it’s going to hurt if that side is not yours, but you can’t be that asshole who throws shade every time you run into each other because Matt still watches The Walking Dead with your ex and not you. Let it go. Be polite.
6. Thou Shall Own Your Part.
Real talk: it is rarely one-sided when people break up. Own your side of it, take responsibility for your actions. Silver lining, you’ll look like the bigger person and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two so you can behave better in your next relationship.
7. Thou Shalt Not Make A Big Deal On Facebook.
Remember back in like…2007 when you would break up with someone on Facebook and it would have a little broken heart icon? That shit was cold. Even though Facebook isn’t rubbing our single-dom in quite as harshly in 2015, we should still maintain some sort of chill when/if we change our relationship status. I’m a big fan of just not listing your status in the slightest. Fun fact, you can also change who can view your status so you can avoid the “Omfg girl?!?! What happened!!?” messages from people you never talk to who are just nosy and bored at their desk job.
8. Thou Shall Think Before You Subtweet.
If you get a “you’ve been posting a lot of song lyrics and we’re worried about you” card in the mail from you friends, you should probably clean up your social media game or avoid all forms until you don’t feel like posting Taylor Swift lyrics every time you login.
9. Thou Shalt Not Bring Them Up On Dates.
Eventually, you’ll be ready to get back in the saddle and start dating again. Good for you, sparky! Way to get back up on that horse! That being said, tread lightly with the ex talk. No one wants to hear about how you went to Peru together and it was ~*life changing*~ over tapas. You sound like you’re dwelling and you’re making people uncomfortable.
10. Thou Shalt Never Take Your Friends For Granted.
You aren’t going to get through this alone, and you owe them all several rounds of drinks when you’re back on your feet. Who else is going to listen to you red wine cry while watching Dirty Dancing over and over? Who else is going to do the dirty work and log into their Facebook to check their messages? Exactly. You owe them some kamikazes and some high fives for being awesome. And remember how great they when they go through their own break up; be there with DVD and cabernet in hand just like they were for you. .
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