Happy 2016 everybody! With a new year comes new resolutions and mine is quite the lofty one. After spending too long living #airportlife, I’ve decided to spend 2016 designing my own airline. It’s going to be called Air Apparent. Because apparently nobody else can get it fucking right.
First off, there will be NO safety presentation. Before boarding our planes there will be a giant sign that reads “Is This Your First Time On An Airplane?” with a small room off to the side for those who answer yes. These first timers will be shown a brief safety demonstration video hosted by Rob Lowe and then escorted to the nearest Southwest gate to fly with the rest of the steerage.
"To tighten, slip the strap around your neck and open exit door mid flight" – brought to you by @united customer service department.
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) December 22, 2015
Boarding groups will be conducted by seat assignments and the people sitting in the back of the plane will board first. This will avoid congesting the aisles as well as allowing the people in first class the luxury of getting to the gate a little bit later as well as the privilege of exiting first. Why am I still including first class and coach seating? Because everybody needs goals.
Another little change of pace — nobody will be allowed to carry-on anything besides one small item. However, there will also be no checked baggage. You will place all of your bags onto a giant luggage rack plane-side that will then be rolled into the belly of the plane and secured. Upon landing, the luggage rack will be rolled back out and you can grab your bag straight off the runway. This eliminates baggage fees, waiting for your luggage and the chances of it somehow getting lost. Holy shit.
When I see ten guys sitting in an airport food court with collared shirts laughing uproariously at 7am I think to myself, "Mormons."
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) July 29, 2015
Now let’s talk about the makeup of our planes. Since we’ve removed the need for overhead compartments, the seat layout can afford to change due to the extra space. Instead of the typical 3 and 3 seating that comes standard to most domestic airlines, Air Apparent’s seat configuration will be 2, 2 and 2. There will be no more dreaded middle seats, so now you and your travel companion can sit together without some mouth breather with overactive sweat glands joining you. Every seat has the option of live TV or Netflix. As CEO of Air Apparent, I’ll cover this cost out of my own pocket (they can use my logins).
With the new seat configuration comes the creation of an extra aisle. This doubles both the bathroom number and size and allows the flight attendants to always have an aisle free for passengers to move up and down the plane. Did you know that getting up and walking around on a plane is actually good for you? Today’s airlines wouldn’t lead you to believe it.
Much respect for the lady in front of me on my flight reading hardcore erotica in size FORTY EIGHT FONT pic.twitter.com/issnnetwAd
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) November 3, 2015
Now there are two more fairly large requirements you must meet before flying on Air Apparent. Passengers will be screened yearly for both and not allowed to fly if these aren’t met. The first is a simple age requirement. Air Apparent’s passengers must fall between the ages of 15 and 65. Sorry old timers, you may remember what it was like to smoke on an airplane, but we certainly don’t need you clogging the aisles with your clogged feet and complaining that the temperature is too cold for you. If you’re a parent who wants to fly with their small child, sorry bout cha. Since most of you only fly once a year and are dead inside, you don’t care how your brat behaves on a plane much less how it affects others. Go duke it out at the Delta counter.
Hi, I'm the screaming Japanese child on your redeye who kept everyone awake because my terrible dad force-fed me GUMMIE BEARS before takeoff
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) January 19, 2016
Last but not least, an all too important requirement that shouldn’t just be for traveling but also for life in general. And that is NOFF. NOFF is the first thing the pilots, crew and flight attendants will learn in their training is the most essential part of the Air Apparent experience.
NOFF stands for No Fat Fucks. Passengers will be subjected to a yearly physical required to continue booking flights on Air Apparent. There’s no weight ceiling, per say, as some passengers are taller than others and thus weigh more. But if your family physician deems you unworthy to fly, you’ll be placed on our No Fly Too Fat List until you can drop the poundage. Again, this isn’t to exclude anybody, I’m just making sure my customers get a top rate travel experience. I have no ill will against fat people.
Do fat people snore because Mother Nature is trying to suffocate them for wasting a perfectly good body?
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) January 12, 2016
Great to be back in Chicago for the holidays pic.twitter.com/q2Bt3lponn
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) December 22, 2015
Fat hairy fuck on flight to Ibiza with savage use of the armrest pic.twitter.com/OEsgmdMnvF
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) August 30, 2015
That’s the skeleton of the business plan I have for now. I’m still trying to figure out if we’re going with free beer and wine and/or a section for people who brought their vape pens. The demand is there for an airline like this. Now all I need is backers. .
Image via Shutterstock