For the sake of being totally transparent, I’ll be honest: I’m not a big advocate of spending the night prior to knowing where things are going. In fact, even after I know where things are going, it’s a stretch for me. I’m an admittedly bad sleeper so adding another human being into the mix is just a recipe for me to stare at them while they snore and wonder if it would be offensive for me to listen to Truth and Iliza on some headphones.
Sleeping together and actually sleeping together are two very, very different things. It’s not just rolling over to that still kind of sweaty person, getting into an awkward spooning position, and drifting off. No, no, no. If it were that simple, movie scenes involving sneak outs that inspire the entire audience in the theater to go “Shit yeah!” collectively would not exist.
If you’re going to choose to sleep over, you have to be prepared for the act of sleeping over. Or prepare yourself to awkwardly sleep Dracula-style, because you didn’t come in with a game plan, and now there’s a practical stranger star-fishing in the middle of that queen-sized Brimnes from Ikea.
1. Thou Shalt Not Sleep Naked
Look. I get that it’s August, it’s hot, and free-balling after midnight feels great, but you know what doesn’t feel great? When someone rubs their free balls up against your back. It’s seriously the most uncomfortable, weird, cringe-worthy feeling in the world right behind when someone chews next to your head. Until they love you, it’s t-shirts and boxer briefs. Naked sleeping is for Facebook official only.
2. Thou Shalt Not Force The Cuddle
Not every person, girls included, wants to spoon. Sometimes after you bang something/someone out, you want to just high five it and call it a day. Sure, sometimes an arm over the shoulder can be a nice reassurance of a job well done, but don’t force it. If they aren’t reciprocating, they don’t want you to play with their hair and their arm is probably falling asleep underneath your body weight. Be courteous and respect the cuddle limitations.
3. Thou Shall Have Clean Sheets
If you’re regularly sleeping with someone, don’t be gross. Wash your fucking sheets. If you have a pet that sleeps with you or at least gets up on the bed forcing you to unenthusiastically and disingenuously say, “Rex, off!” then don’t be gross. Wash your fucking sheets. If you are a human being, don’t be gross. Wash. Your. Fucking. Sheets.
4. Thou Shall Make The Roommates Chill
If you aren’t lucky enough to live alone, or have a roomie that is literally never around, tell those people you found on Craigslist or have probably known forever to take a chill pill. We’ve all either participated in or been on the receiving end of a “slow clap” exit the next morning, but come on.
Actually, who am I kidding? If your roommate is hilarious, tell them to have at it. They had to listen to you have sex last night. All is fair in love and cohabitation.
5. Honor The Fridge And Restrain Yourself
It’s one thing to peek into their fridge and snag a La Croix because those 69 cent babies are delicious, but it’s another to make yourself at home with their sweet potato chips and hummus from Whole Foods. I know going to humtown sounds awesome after you strained yourself for 17 minutes, but that’s just not cool. If you go there, you’re setting yourself up to be talked about in a very bitchy group text. Proceed with caution when you approach the Kenmore — that’s all I’m saying.
6. Thou Shall Do Your Best To Mimic The House Rules
Every house, every person, has an unspoken way that they live their life in their own space. Some people wear shoes everywhere, some people take them off the second they get inside. Some people put their feet up on the coffee table and it’s no biggie, and some people would freak out at seeing your toes on the surface they snack on. Watch how they act in their space and do your best to imitate their behavior. I’m not saying don’t be comfortable — I’m just saying don’t be the dick that tracks dirt everywhere when it’s obvious that they want to follow you around with a Swiffer because you didn’t have the decency to take off your boots.
7. Thou Shalt Not Leave A Trail
No one wants to get the text two days later that says, “I think I left my bracelet at your place the other night. Have you seen it?” Oh, you THINK?! Oldest trick in the book, hun. Until they toss it out there that it’s okay for you to leave a toothbrush because you drooling on their pillows has become a regular thing, don’t leave stuff behind. They don’t want your junk and you’re just asking for them to passive aggressively throw it away (or keep it: thanks extra iPhone chargers, boys!) and start plotting out how they will ghost on you.
8. Thou Shalt Not Steal Clothes
This is preeeetttty much just for girls, but hey, I don’t know your life. Yes, I know that there’s a conspiracy in the clothing industry and the cotton they use for guy shirts is 1,000 percent softer than the steel wool they use for women’s. Yes, I know that his college lacrosse tee makes your rack look perfect and sits in that sweet spot right in the middle of your butt. Yes, I know it has that ridiculous boy scent that is like crack to us — but give it back. He was nice enough to let you sleep in it, now don’t make it weird by shoving it in your purse at 8 a.m. — just don’t.
9. Thou Shalt Not Sleep Shame
Sure, they snore, twitch in their sleep, maybe they kicked you a couple of times, but shut up about it. Unless they sleep talk and you had a full conversation with them about the best kinds of Chinese food while they were in the middle of a REM cycle, don’t bring it up the next morning. Dick move to sleep shame. Dick. Move.
10. Thou Shalt Not Overstay Your Welcome
It’s one thing to linger for a second and talk about brunch plans after you’re both kind of awake and you’re waiting for Uber to stop surging. It’s a whole other thing to stretch out on their couch and start binging on the Catfish marathon you just stumbled across. If you’re awake, and not like “heard something and woke up for a second but still kind of in a haze” awake, it’s time to go home and brush your teeth. But take off their t-shirt and grab your “Live Lokai” bracelet first, girl. .
Enjoy this? Read The Ten Commandments Of A One Night Stand.
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