Tell Me All About Your Fantasy Team, Dude

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Tell me about your fantasy team, dude. Tell me ALL about that shit. Tell me about how you went against the grain of conventional wisdom and drafted a quarterback with your first pick, while everyone else drafted a running back. Fuck, you’re edgy. Jamaal Charles was sitting there for the taking. He was all yours. Everyone knew you were taking him. That’s a guaranteed 18 each week. But nope. Curveball right in your opponents’ stupid faces. You play by your own rules. A. Rodge off the board. This is your year. Holy shit does hearing about your team make me so horny. Ahhh.

How many sleepers do you have on your team that literally no one else knew about except for Matthew Berry and his 762k followers on Twitter, plus the many millions more who read his fantasy football-related articles, which is basically no one? Give it to me raw. Teach me your ways. Tell me all about it. Share with me your invaluable fantasy football knowledge that you’ve acquired over the offseason. I’m a lump of clay. Mold my shit.

Did you take a bad beat last night? Well, dude, I want to hear all about it because I have a sincere interest in your team. It’s hard to believe Julio Jones hung 32 points on you when you were up by 27 and no more players to play. So crazy. Such a brutal loss. Julio Jones NEVER does that. Just a career night for him, I suppose. An anomaly that you just have to shake off because it will literally never happen again for the rest of your life. That’s why I wanted to hear about it — because it’s such a landmark circumstance. Such a tough beat, my dude.

Has the injury bug gotten to your team? Tell. Me. The. Fuck. About. It. I want to know which players on your team have gotten hurt, how they got hurt, and how long they are expected to be out. That is so unfair to you. Two serious injuries in one day — one guy out for four weeks and the other the season?! Damn, I’m so terribly sorry. Is there anyone you can write a letter to about this? Maybe get some consolation points or skip to first in line on the waiver wire? Injuries are so rare in professional football. You’d never think it could happen to your guys until it actually does, right? I bet you’re the only person affected by injuries, man. Just shit luck you have. Why do they have to tackle your guys so hard? Tell me about it so I can console you.

Speaking of the waiver wire, I wonder how hard you’re hitting that shit. I bet you eat, sleep, and breath the waiver wire. No one works it like you do, man. You MUST tell me about the guys you’ve picked up so far this season before I seize up with anticipation. Hold the fucking phone! Did you really scoop Matt Jones last week? After hanging 26 on St. Louis, you’re literally the only person I can think of with the foresight to make a move like that and take a chance on a rookie running back. How do you fucking do it? Playoff bound.

Wait, tell me you’re not pondering a blockbuster trade. You simply must tell me every little detail about it before my mind explodes into a million pieces and my dick falls off. You’re not actually considering dishing Demarco Murray AND Keenan Allen for Andrew Luck and a tier two running back, ARE YOU?! Please tell me this is a sick joke you’re playing on me. WHO DOES THAT?! My heart is about to explode out of my chest. Stop the fucking presses! This move would shake up your entire league and maybe even the rest of your natural life. Do your gargantuan testicles require a wheelbarrow to cart them around in? You’re all balls, dude.

I want to know all about your fantasy team, too. Tell me all about it in the comments!

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