It’s ten degrees outside with a wind chill of precisely zero. After waking up at 6:50 a.m. with a mild headache, you curse yourself. The two glasses of merlot you gulped down before falling asleep to a rerun of 30 Rock? Probably not necessary, and definitely not worth the grogginess you’re feeling right now as that lukewarm water from the water heater that your landlord refuses to fix runs down your body.
“Time to suck today’s dick,” you say aloud to nobody. Your tie is tied, your jacket is on, and your boots are zipped up (with your dress shoes sitting in a bag next to your lunch for when you get to the office, obviously.)
The morning routine before work starts during the colder months of the year is really just a series of mumbles, groans, and phrases like “fuuuuuuck this,” “fuck this shit,” and simply “fuck.” It’s winter, and you don’t have another holiday to look forward to until Memorial Day. Maybe you’ve got a few PTO days saved up, but for a lot of you, there is no end in sight. The sun goes down around 5:00 p.m., and by the time you’re back home from work, it’s pitch black. But we need the winter.
It is a necessary evil. Without it, what are we? We’re Florida. We’re California. We’re Texas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Alabama, Nevada, and fucking Lousiana. Places with zero identity, at least in terms of weather. There’s no character to a state where it’s sunny year around. Where is the adversity? Where is the seasonal depression? How exactly does one do Christmas without snow on the ground?
Don’t get me wrong. Warm weather is fantastic. But when you’ve got 365 days a year of that shit I think you lose a little bit of your edge. Snow and subzero temps knock us off of our proverbial high horses. I maintain that while it is miserable to have to go outside and scrape your windshield when it’s -2, it’s also noble.
You’re a better person for having to go through that. And whether you’re driving to work or taking public transportation I know one thing for certain: you’re never going to leave it. You’ll curse your existence. You’ll curse the cold. You’ll say “I need to move to a warm weather climate.” But guess what? You never do. Because there’s a part of you – a sick, twisted, masochistic side of you that enjoys this – the slog, the sludge, the chill of January, February, and most of March.
We need these cold winter months for exactly the same reason that we need different tires when it starts to snow outside. Have you ever been driving your car around a city at, say, 10:00 p.m. with Drake’s “Take Care” blasting? Heated seats on high? Maybe a hot cocoa in the cup holder next to you? If you’ve never done this, I highly recommend it. It’s the closest you’ll come to feeling like Batman. Everything is slowed down in the pitch dark. High beams on as snow falls gently around your smooth cruiser. “Lord Knows” featuring Rick Ross is blaring from your speakers. You can hear the rubber on your tires pushing snow down over pavement.
You’re headed back to your shitty apartment or house and it’s fucking freezing out. But you’ve got a little more character than the guy whose doing the same thing in breezy Los Angeles. A little more grit. A little more mystery. You’re a dark knight in your very own Tumbler. Embrace the cold. Yeah, it was a mild winter. But it was a hell of lot colder up here than it was down there.
And guess what? May is one week away. Which means you can put the emo Drake music away and throw “The Sign” on by Ace of Base. Maybe even some OMC “How Bizarre” if you’re feeling really saucy. Spring is here and summer is only going to last so long. It’s fleeting and that’s what makes it so good. The cold autumn breeze will be here in the blink of an eye, and unlike those states in the south, May to August is our only reprieve from short days, long nights, and snowfall from November to February.
Use this time wisely. Shirk responsibility from May to August. Skip the gym on an idle Wednesday night if the weather outside your office appears to be sunny and 75 degrees. Sundresses, cocktails, and maybe even a summer fling await you at a patio bar near you. Live it up. You didn’t trudge through snow and disgusting sludge for four-to-five months to not enjoy all of the trappings that come with summertime. Let’s go. .
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