I’m not a teacher. But I know several, banged a few, had a handful growing up, and have seen some on TV. I know it’s the hardest job on the plant (outside of being a mom #thanksmom). But you know what’s essentially the same job, but also the easiest job on the planet? Being a substitute.
It’s so easy, there are only two ways to be a substitute teacher: You either show up to work hungover, or you show up to work drunk. Those are the only two options. Dewey Finn? He showed up to sub hungover. This lady in South Carolina? She kept the previous night’s party going into the classroom.
Per NY Daily News:
Administrators at Brookland-Cayce High School say they found Judith Elizabeth Richards-Gartee, 52, vomiting on the ground in front of students in her classroom around 9:45 Friday morning.
After getting sight of the unsuitable scene, officials pulled the woman — who was unable to walk — away from the area in a wheelchair and to a school resource officer, TheState.com reported.
That’s when a Lexington county deputy discovered the box of wine hanging out of her handbag.
While subbing doesn’t seem hard at all – like I said, it’s a job you can do drunk and/or hungover – it also seems like a really shitty job, and you’re not going to do a shitty job hungover, like the aforementioned Dewey Finn. What’re you going to do? Do it drunk. Everything’s better when you’re drunk. Being a sub seems like the worst. You automatically get zero respect from the kids, and the real teacher doesn’t trust you enough to give a lesson plan, so you’re stuck popping in an episode of The Magic School Bus that somehow loosely relates to the curriculum. So can anyone honestly blame her for getting a little too slizzered and going full exorcist at the base of the chalkboard?
We’ve all had days where the work day seemed so daunting and awful that a quick round of slap the bag seemed like the only logical conclusion to make the day cruise by, seamlessly transitioning into a two-for-one happy hour. I’d be a hypocrite to get mad at Judith for rolling into first period still drunk as a skunk.
If anyone should be put on blast here, it’s the kids in the classroom. Oh, so your sub’s slurring her words and puking in the corner? Big deal! Grow up Peter Pan Count Chocula. News flash kids: welcome to real life! These are life lessons. Judith is giving you the best education in that classroom you’re going to get all year. She’s basically showing you that if you don’t get your act straight you’re going to wind up a 52 year old substitute teacher guzzling Franzia just to survive a fucking Thursday. That’s a life lesson few high schoolers get to see. So fuck those kids.
PS – How does Judith play it when they take her to the principal’s office? She’s gotta just pull a Costanza, right? “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta plead ignorance on this one.”.
Image via YouTube / Team America