After recently planning and hosting a bachelorette party for my best friend, I realized how dumb most of the things we do are. Actually, that’s not right. Dumb isn’t the word. Pointless? Expensive? Shamelessly for Instagram likes and attention? Despite the fact that I dropped thousands of dollars on a weekend, it was easily one of the best times I’ve ever had, and it’s absolutely worth the price, stress, and pointless favors I’m stuck with since everyone said they didn’t have room in their carry-ons to take the vibrators they all got as favors (pussies).
Still, as I replay the weekend over and over (and force myself not to post most of the pictures), I realize that guys are really missing out. Sure, they spend their time either in some remote cabin, drinking their weight in beer and reeling in fish, or just respectively admiring the classy women at gentleman’s clubs (but never actually getting lap dances — that would be cheating, duh). But do they really get the same fulfillment, the same joy, the same DRAMA, as a weekend spent with friends from all walks of life, wearing tacky outfits and crying over boys while drinking solely rosé? No. The answer is no. So, boys. Take notes. Your bachelor parties are about to get a hell of a lot better.
Wear Matching Shirts That Say “Groom Group”
It isn’t a bachelorette party without tacky, matching glitter shirts with some lame saying on them. Bride Tribe? Squad? Any Beyoncé lyrics? It doesn’t matter *what* they say. It’s the fact that you get glitter everywhere and waste $20 on something you’ll never wear again. Naturally, guys need something a little different. Anything from Wang Gang, Penis Party, or the ever popular, Groom Group will work nicely. But wait! This is where it gets really fun! They’ll be in either bright orange, green camo, or a general flesh color. Bonus points if the boys fight over whether or not to get tees or tanks. You know. Because some guys just *really* hate their arms.
He Would Wear A Crown, Sash, And Sign
All brides-to-be haaaaate the idea of wearing something that lets everyone know they’re getting married but let’s be real: the second the free drinks start rolling in, those bitches are doing royalty waves. Boys seem to skip this part of a bachelor party, and it’s high time that’s fixed. Wanna know why you never get free drinks? It’s because you don’t walk into the bar decked out in vaginas, feathers, and stripper cologne. Baby oil yourself up, wear a crown that says “Mr. to Mr.” and bask in the glory of knowing you won’t be expected to change your last name after the big day.
Put Vaginas Everywhere
If there’s one thing ladies love, it’s big ole dicks. Wait. I wrote that wrong. If there’s one thing we love, it’s to decorate our overpriced hotel rooms in Las Vegas with big ole dicks. In reality, most of us aren’t lining up to be on the receiving end of a six-foot peen. Still, last I was informed, gents aren’t in on the whole put-genital-decorations-everywhere trend. Which is a shame, really. Guys should be getting vagina straws, vagina banners, and vagina shot glasses. Instead of the penis cakes and frozen bananas that us ladies serve, guys would have an array of sushi and artfully arranged Arby’s roast beef sandwiches. Jokes about eating out would be thrown around as much as possible, and crude pictures with the roast beef would be shared in a private album with the promise never to post them on social media.
Wear Matching Swimtrunks
To much of our bank accounts and body types’ dismay, matching suits have quickly become the thing of Pinterest
nightmares dreams for bachelorette parties. These can have a variety of phrases on them, from Salty to Tribe to I Should Have Stayed Home, I Don’t Even Like The Bride That Much. What they say can’t compare to the fact that you’ll look horrible in them. Once boys jump on the trend, we’ll see groups of unhappy men standing in fountains and dancing for Boomerangs. If you wanna get really wacky, get Speedos that say Insert A Finger Here. But Just To The First Knuckle on the ass (sorry. Too much? Just the tip?)
Go Through A List Of All The People He’s Ever Had Sex With
At one point or another during all bachelorette parties, the lists start going around. Whether you decide to do names or just numbers, eventually everyone gets trashed and brings up the person you lost your virginity to. While guys might hit the highlight reel, it’s an important rite of passage to really discuss each past relationship in detail until the future Mrs. or Mr. feels like they might be making a mistake and drunkenly text the one who got away.
Cry About The Girl In High School Who Got Away
After discussing Jenny, the senior girl he lost his virginity to when he was a junior, he’ll talk about how much he actually loved her, and how he doesn’t know if his Instagram model fiancé will ever match up. After stalking Jenny on all social media platforms and texting her number from memory (JK, he’s had her number saved under “Johnny” since they broke up 10 years ago just in case), the tears start. Whether he makes it home or is still posted up at the bar doesn’t matter. What matters is that he has a last drunken cry about the one he should have been with (if only she didn’t cheat on his with the entire football team) before walking down the aisle.
Hate The Groom
I recently learned that guys not only don’t really have drama at bachelor parties, but they also don’t hate the groom. Which is honestly, shocking and needs to be fixed. The guys will spend their time showering the groom-to-be with gifts and drinks, only to talk about how he met his fiancé a year after you met your girlfriend the second he goes to the bathroom. Also, did you see his tux? So ugly. Plus, if he keeps drinking full-calorie beers, good lucking fitting into it! If you leave the weekend feeling closer to your friends and not like you just went through an emotional marathon, you did it wrong.
It might sound crazy, but don’t worry! Once you have a collection of penis whistles, straws, and pictures of your friends crying at the bar, it’ll all be worth it. You might just never be able to eat at Arby’s again. Fair trade, tbh..