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Stuff From College You Should’ve Thrown Away By Now

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Nostalgia is a weird thing. The things that seem like they’re tailor-made to be nostalgic pieces seem to go by the wayside pretty quickly. The very concept of the “diploma” is a physical reminder that you actually went to college. I don’t even know where mine is. I never hung it up, because I’m not a doctor or an asshole (sorry if I repeated myself there). And then there’s the weird things. The shitty souvenir pieces, the visor you wore when you broke par, a ticket stub from the bowl game your team came back in the 4th quarter and won. That stuff is awesome. Then there’s the stuff in between. The stuff from college you’re still hanging onto, either out of nostalgia, or a misguided belief in their continuing utility.

1. T-Shirts

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If homeless people really wanted to get new clothes, they should really just go to college, because it seems like you’re getting tossed a new shirt for some event every week. And most of us discarded the ones we didn’t give a shit about almost immediately. In fact, some of us even donated them to homeless shelters, because we’re not the kind of idiot dickheads who think homeless people “should really just go to college.”

But you still have a couple of them, right? You probably cut the sleeves off a few of them to play basketball in, which was nice when you were shooting hoops three nights a week, but when’s the last time you even saw a rim, let alone shot at one? Six months? Keep one just in case you randomly get invited to ball, or if you are gonna keep them, get your fat ass off the couch. The regular t-shirts you’re hanging onto? Unless you either wear them all the time, or there’s a really, really important reason you’re hanging onto it (like if Charles Barkley wiped his sweat off into it), throw that shit away. But don’t throw it away. Give it to Goodwill. Because we’re not animals, we’re just irresponsible.

2. Beer Bong

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This has very little to do with how often you’re using it, and the pure fact that you should not be in possession of one of these devices anymore. I don’t care if you’re still keeping up the postgrad party lifestyle. I drink 4-7 nights a week, and I haven’t owned a beer bong for three years. Beer bongs are a symbol of collegiate binge drinking. You’ve moved on from binge drinking to unconfirmed-but-likely alcoholism. You’re not going on Spring Break anymore, no one is spontaneously getting everyone to jump in the pool, and you no longer have anyone in your life named “Sully.” So throw that shitty piece of plastic away.

3. College ID

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I’ll admit, I’ve still got mine stashed away in a drawer somewhere, and I really need to take my own advice here. I’m not keeping it for nostalgic reasons (and if you are, seek help, because that’s weird). My genius idea was that I’d hang onto it for free admission/drink specials at bars on college night. You know how many times my friends and I have actually done that? Once. And then we realized that we wanted to be nowhere near a bar on college night. Half-price well drinks from 7-9pm is not worth having to listen to girls screaming every five seconds. Yes, I’m aware that girls still scream about how much fun they’re having at bars in their mid-to-late twenties too, but it’s much less frequent, and you can usually get them kicked out.

4. Hats

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Going into college, I wasn’t much of a hat guy. I had my Texas Rangers hat my dad bought me at the ballpark when I was seven that I’ve worn to every game since, my actual baseball team’s hat, and a “Dallas Automotive Club” hat that I wore when I was doing landscaping work. Freshman year, I quickly realized that not only were backwards hats “back in,” but it was a smart idea to have several of them. You see, when you’re waking up for class hungover, you’re gonna be lucky to make it five minutes late, let alone have time to shower first. So just jump up, throw on some gym shorts and a hoodie, and pick a hat color that feels like it matches. Then you can shower after your post-lunch nap. Or just start drinking. Up to you. So, ladies, if you didn’t already know, we didn’t really wear hats because we thought they were cool, we were just gross human beings. But you have an office job now. You can’t toss on a hat and skip the shower. Get your ass up early, lather yourself down, and then walk your hat collection out to the dumpster on your way to your car. I tossed all of mine, including my high school baseball team’s. All of them except the Rangers hat and the Auto Club one. Because I’m sure I’ll have to use a weed-eater again someday.

5. Posters

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Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

I do want to point out, I’m not saying you should throw away all pieces of your past. There’s a lot of really cool shit that you’re gonna be glad that you hung onto twenty years from now. But you know how your parents made you clean out the storage unit once, and you were confused why they even paid money every month to hang onto junk they never even used? Well that’s what thirty years of not taking inventory of what’s actually worth saving and what’s basically worthless. If there’s one thing we’re all trying our best at right now, it’s to not turn into our parents.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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