It’s one of those look-in-the-mirror-and-just-laugh mornings. Your girlfriend, boyfriend, or current lover looks over and tells you that your head looks swollen. What’s your move, hotshot? Alka Seltzer? Advil? Blue Powerade? Some combination of all three? That’s pretty standard stuff, and all can temporarily make you forget your misery. But you need something more than that. You need a long term solution that will make you forget all about the fact that your insides are probably melting. You need Hot D.
Hot D, traditionally known as “Hair of the dog,” is the ultimate double-bird in the air, fuck you to your hangover. For far too long, we as a society have coward in fear over the spectre of a hangover. Millions of “I’m not leaving my couch today” texts, and “Fuck My Life” Snapchats are sent each weekend by those who have conceded defeat. Well, the time has come for us all to look ourselves in the mirror, brush our oily hair aside, rinse our dirty little mouths out with Scope, and fully embrace Hot D.
Are you just delaying the inevitable? Maybe, but if executed correctly, that shouldn’t matter. It’s all about when you start and when you stop. If you crack a Tecate at 9:30 a.m., you’re just asking for a 2 p.m. flameout followed by a sweaty nap and a 9:15 p.m. wakeup. That’s obviously not what you’re looking for. However, if you show a little patience, and hold off on ordering that El Presidente that will complement your Mushroom Jack Fajitas, you can completely forego the entire hangover process. You’ll be asleep by 8, and your body will take care of itself while you’re crushing REM cycles.
Think of yourself as Mario, and you just found the warp whistle. When everyone else is dry-heaving while watching a Lord of the Rings marathon, you’re out there, being social, and throwing a nice stiff Heisman to the hangover gods.
I ask you this: Come Sunday, will you join me for a drink or two? Or will you sit there, bathing in your misery? Remember, when you pickup your phone to send out that group text on Sunday, it’s not only an attempt to assemble a group of likeminded, hair of the dog enthusiasts, it’s a revolution.
It’s the “We will not go quietly into the night” speech.
It’s the “What? Over? Did you say ‘over’?’ Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” battle cry.
It’s “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”
It’s Stannis leading his depleted army against House Bolton.
The choice is yours, but I’ll be sure to save you a seat at brunch..