There are some things I’ve never understood in life: how fax machines work, why no one has made an OJ Simpson biopic starring Denzel Washington, and more recently, why girls insist on wearing rompers.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not your typical dude who is ignorant to women’s style. I long worked for a women’s fashion brand, I read Man Repeller and The Cut, and I always watch The Devil Wears Prada when it’s on HBO because that movie straight kills it. So, if anything, I think I have the established credibility to justifiably weigh in.
So let me just plead this: stop wearing rompers.
I mean, even the name “romper” is brutal. It’s the least sexy name you could attach to a piece of clothing. Romp literally means, “play roughly and energetically.” Like I’m not trying to play with an obstreperous puppy right now. I’m trying to scope babes.
I get it. Taylor Swift wore one at the VMAs and all of the sudden it became acceptable to wear to every brunch, music festival, and walk in the damn park. The girls that I discussed rompers with stated, “They’re in style,” and “I think they’re awesome,” but really didn’t do much convincing as to why rompers should be worn. After all, you can’t tell me these things are at all functional.
Don’t you have to take your romper completely off when you’re going to the bathroom? What happens at Lollapalooza when you strip yourself to pee and you accidentally drop it in the porta-potty leaving you with the decision to either go straight naked or wear a single piece of cloth covered in shit to Alabama Shakes? Furthermore, if you break the seal, aren’t you fucked? The inherent laziness of wearing a romper (which is essentially just a shirt and shorts sewn together) is rendered useless once you have to go through the effort of getting dressed and undressed after every mimosa.
It looks like you’re in limbo somewhere between wearing a fully-loaded diaper and being a 6-year-old girl on the playground. The combination of it billowing while simultaneously riding up your ass creates a “she definitely shouldn’t be wearing that” effect that baffles everyone you come across. Just dress like a grown-up for once. I don’t want to take a giant baby out to dinner.
I’m not trying to push any kind of stereotype or social constraint on anyone, because I’m just a run-of-the-mill dude with an unathletic build and twigs for arms, but these things are just blatantly unflattering. Rompers on women are about as flattering as board shorts are on me. Hear me out: my lower body mismatches size-wise with my upper body and I’d have to imagine this is the case with females as well. Whether you buy a small, medium, large, or whatever, rompers aren’t one-size-fits-all. So unless you find a diamond in the rough that somehow looks perfect on you, you’re just going to look like you’re wearing an ill-fitting diaper suit that you stole off an oversized toddler.
With that being said, rompers do have their plus sides. In an anonymous Gchat conversation, a friend of mine stated, “Well, they do showcase the legs and I can’t hate on the all-in-one removal process.” I have to agree, but his compliments ended there as he originally lead with, “ROMPERS ARE AWFUL.” At the end of the day, we can all agree: they are, indeed, awful.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’d prefer you wear those sun-faded jean short cutoffs that make it look like you constantly have an everlasting wedgie. Now I just want to send hate mail to every fashion and lifestyle blogger out there for making this look acceptable. Instead I’ll just be the guy laughing smugly because he doesn’t even have to take his pants off to pee. .
Image via YouTube