Today I have to address something serious. It’s something that’s been irking me for quite some time now. Before I get started let me jus–
That’s exactly how a sucker punch goes down. It comes in, without warning, and in every case I’ve experienced, without even looking in the same remote direction. You can find examples of it online in various YouTube videos and undoubtedly accompanied by some idiot yelling, “WORLDSTAR!!!” as he films the whole encounter vertically on his phone.
In all honestly, though, in today’s age, it happens a little too often, both the sucker punch and the vertical filming. Turn the camera horizontally, you monsters. And whatever happened to the days of squaring up one-on-one? Face-to-face? It seems like in almost every online video you have some bozo that comes out of left field trying to throw a haymaker. To put this in sports terms, it’s like scoring on an open net with the goalie pulled. Sure you may score a cheap shot, but nobody is going to think you’re great for it. Try the same thing with the goalie in and odds are it plays out a little differently for you, champ.
So here I am today asking you all man-to-man, person-to-person, mano y mano, to end the sucker punch epidemic.
I’ll go on the record now and say that I think getting in bar room brawls is pretty fucking dumb. I had my share as a younger man, and nowadays, I’d rather drink, own dancing the cupid shuffle, and put out good vibes. However, sometimes trouble comes looking for you, and even though you may walk away, it still manages to get in a lousy punch. A sucker punch is one of the cheapest things anyone can do. It screams out cowardice and shows a lack of overall integrity.
To start, let’s break down the word. Sucker is defined by my Google search, “a person or thing that sucks, in particular.” I’m not one to argue with Google on that one. And well, we all know what a punch is. So a sucker punch by definition would be a person that sucks throwing a punch. But we all know a sucker punch is worse than that; it’s that same shitty person throwing a punch at someone who has no idea it’s even coming.
Now, let’s be real here. A sucker punch is completely different from throwing the first punch. Sometimes people are just looking for trouble and they find it. There’s an old saying out there, “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit,” and I’m 98 percent sure it was either Shakespeare or Gandhi who said that. I wasn’t a history major, so don’t quote me on it. However, there’s a pretty big difference between taking the first swing at a guy who gropes your buddy’s wife and a sucker punch.
I’ve been on the receiving end of not one, but two sucker-punches in my life. In both cases, I was looking to my left talking to someone completely different when I was hit on the right side of my jaw. These two individual “gentlemen” decided to take the signature punch and run approach.
Classy move, fellas.
There’s nothing that says you’re a real badass by crow hopping a dude, who doesn’t even know you’re there, in his jaw and immediately booking it right after. I also won’t confirm or deny that on one occasion, I even turned to the guy and yelled, “Really?!” because frankly I can’t tell the story as well as my friend, ODB (btw this is your new pen name, bud). But ODB’s great storytelling is beside the point. The main point is when you throw a sucker punch, you look like a punk, and if you don’t knock them out, (in the words of Gator played by Will Ferrell in The Other Guys) you look like a, “Punk ass bitch.” AND GATOR DON’T PLAY NO SHIT, YOU FEEL ME!
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand drastic events like a weapon being drawn, someone hitting a woman, or if lives are in danger may call for a sucker punch to be thrown. But 9.9 times out of 10 it’s probably unwarranted and unnecessary. So please do me a favor, stop throwing sucker punches.
Man up, gentlemen. .
Image via Shutterstock