“Full steam ahead to ‘Like Cityyyyy’!”
One of my best friends just had a daughter at age 25. Everyone is healthy and the baby is beautiful. Also, everyone is annoying the ever-living crap outta me.
These are only two examples of things actual people actually said in response to the monumental moment in my friend’s life. I’ve always seen the baby pictures flood the gates of Facebook from old high school friends and college friends I’ve lost touch with. “Good for them,” I think to myself. Then I’m over it. I tend to scroll away from baby pictures so fast that you’d think I genuinely believe if I look at them too long, a newborn child will magically manifest itself out of thin air, plop onto my lap and end my rockstar lifestyle as I know it. This time was different, though. This was happening to a friend who I’m close with, and therefore, our network of mutual networks is as vast as Verizon’s. Or, at least, it seems to be when everyone and their mother (literally) are changing profile pictures and posting albums.
Before I continue, let me say that I do understand. I understand that if once you’re a new aunt, uncle, grandma or grandpa, and you have a Facebook, you’re going to post every picture taken from every angle of the new human person that was just brought into the world. It truly is a wonderful moment and I support that 100%.
However, a line must be drawn somewhere. Which is why right here, right now, I move to establish that taking selfies of a newborn child that doesn’t belong to you, needs to be fenced off by a metaphorical umbilical cord of morality and human decency, thus preventing asshats everywhere from being an insufferable douches who only finds joy in making sure the internet doesn’t forget about you that day.
Picture this: I’m in the visiting room with my friends who are the proud, glowing couple in complete love with this baby girl they bred together. I get the privilege to hold her for 30 minutes, specifically asking not to have any pictures taken out of respect. Then, a friend of the mother gets to hold her, and the first words out of this girls mouth aren’t “aw, how beautiful” or cooing little baby sounds. No — the first words to slither out of this chicks mouth are: “Oh my god, I can’t believe you haven’t drank in so long, I’d die.” Promptly followed by: “My Snapchat and Facebook are going to be nothing but pictures of your baby.”
Keep in mind this baby is not even 24 hours old. There are still chunks of uteral fluid (that’s a thing, right?) in her hair, she hasn’t been completely bathed yet. And all this broad can think about is how many likes she’s about to pile up to add some value to her stupid boring life.
It may sound harsh, but can I also add she was also holding the baby girl with one arm while selfie-ing with the other? My friend exchanged horrified looks from across the room. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing.
Cringe-worthy? Can you feel the tension that was in that room as the couple had to sit and watch that happen in order not to offend their friend? Good, because that’s what you look like.
Stop taking frickin’ selfies with your friends’ kids. Make your own to use for likes on your own time. .
Image via Shutterstock