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Stay The Fuck Home

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Your plans were thrown together at the last minute. This night is too expensive. Stay the fuck home.

Everyone is wasted. You’ll never get a cab. Stay the fuck home.

You’re not getting laid. No one is horny. They’re all just mad. Stay the fuck home.

You’ll go from excited to angry to drunk to sloppy drunk to sad. Stay the fuck home.

You think you’ll get a kiss, but you’re really just going to be that awkward, lonely person holding his or her drink with two hands. Stay the fuck home.

You really think that a number going from 2014 to 2015 is going to motivate you to get in shape, start eating better, wake up earlier, stop smoking, drink less, and work harder? Stay the fuck home.

No one is forcing you to watch Ryan Seacrest if you just stay the fuck home. Stay the fuck home.

Same with Pitbull. Stay the fuck home.

The drunk people you’re going to deal with aren’t like normal drunk people. These are inexperienced drunk people who are getting drunk for the first time in months. Stay the fuck home. Oh God, please stay the fuck home.

Remember what I said about getting laid? That ain’t happening. Stay the fuck home.

They call it an open bar, but it’s really just for beer and wine, and real champions drink liquor on holidays. Stay the fuck home.

The hangover won’t be worth it. Stay the fuck home.

It’s the worst drunk driving night of the year. Don’t get T-boned by a 20-year-old driving a Tahoe. Stay the fuck home.

Those hors d’oeuvres will be gone before you get there, anyway. Stay the fuck home.

The average pizza delivery time is 20 minutes. Stay the fuck home.

You won’t dance the night away. You won’t meet your soulmate. You most certainly will not have a good time. Stay the fuck home.

You will realize that you actually hate your friends. Stay the fuck home.

You’re just going to end up texting your ex. Stay the fuck home.

There’s nothing that you’re missing out on. This won’t be the best night of your life. Stay the fuck home.

The house DJ barely knows how to count. He shouldn’t be trusted with the countdown. Stay the fuck home.

It is cold as fuck and you’re going to lose your nice ass coat. Stay the fuck home.

No, seriously. It’s cold everywhere in January. Stay the fuck home.

And if you really don’t give a shit about what I have to say, you’ll probably find yourself wishing that you would have just stayed the fuck home. Stay the fuck home.

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TheChampionsTour

TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .

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