I’m a big advocate for enjoying each of the seasons for what they are: winter = Christmas, fall = white girl heaven, summer = barbecues and boating. And I wouldn’t live in the Midwest if I didn’t enjoy Mother Nature dishing out a swift bitch slap every once and awhile. Keeps you on your toes. That being said, spring is definitely the worst season of the year.
First of all, we start this awfulness with losing an hour of sleep, and sleep is something I cherish. Good luck enjoying that warmer weather when you spend an entire week trying to adjust to Daylight Saving Time. I’ll take my winter hibernation any day, thanks.
Two words, ladies: shaving and pedicures. March is that tricky month where you don’t know if it’s going to be thirty degrees out or sixty. One day it’s jeans and boots and the next it’s skirts and sandals. You can no longer leave those legs unshaved for fear of a temperature jump. And don’t even think about a spur of the moment flipflop outing. Your shower is now fifteen minutes longer and your wallet is now $40 lighter each month. Come on, fall!
Another issue with spring is the yearly occurrence of spring break, and you probably land in one of these three categories related to said event.
1. Too old. You’re in your late twenties, and as much as you want to spend a week enjoying drinking and debauchery, you’ll end up looking like everyone’s creepy uncle as you check out the bikinis from behind your Ray-Bans. Trying to buy your way in with the college crowd is also a mistake. You’ll just look desperate. Save your dignity and stay in your cubicle, grandpa.
2. Too poor. You’re not an undergrad anymore and wasting tons of money you don’t have on a trip you will barely remember is not something your live-in girlfriend approves of, despite her willingness to let you even go on a guys’ trip. College you wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but postgrad you needs to be able to pay rent, your car payment, and your credit card bill, which still has remnants of your senior year spring break trip lingering. Keep eating that ramen and suck it up.
3. Too out of shape. The stars have aligned and you are in that sweet spot of being in your mid-twenties with enough vacation time and cash flow to take a trip this spring — until you look in the mirror. It is March and your new year’s resolution of working out died back in the third week of January. All those winter weekends of watching Netflix on the couch and binge-eating pizza have taken their toll and no one wants to see you lounging on the beach in a swimsuit. Your body is better suited for a ski trip, where you can hide its flaws under layers of puffy fabric. It’s better than no trip, but be prepared to still be depressed when you return and see all those beach photos blowing up on social media.
Spring also signifies the beginning of wedding season. The engagements that started occurring at Thanksgiving are now officially real, as your fridge fills up with floral save the dates and rustic-chic overpriced invitations. If you thought your wallet wasn’t full enough for spring break, good luck making it past June. Out of town weddings, bachelor or bachelorette parties, and gifts for the happy couples are about to perform a hostile takeover of your income. Cross your fingers for an open bar on the big day so you can drink to forget the sacrifices you made for someone else’s happily ever after.
I think we can all agree that spring is an unnecessary step, which cock-blocks our joy that is the glorious season of summer. Temperatures will be hot enough that if you close your eyes, you can pretend that your apartment pool is a tiny, inadequate beach. And all that sunshine will melt your brain enough that you won’t care about how gross your appearance is. Plus, patio day drinking is encouraged, and drunk you could give zero fucks about the state of your wallet. Screw you, spring..
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