Snapchat is my best friend when it comes to killing time at work. Unlike my computer, there is no monitoring system on my phone and there are endless objects you can turn into masterpieces just by wasting a few minutes taking a pic and doing some drawing.
But just when I thought we were done with people complaining about the “best friends” function, Snapchat went ahead and brought it back. And it’s not for the better. Yes, the emoji-filled update is a new, more private version of the “best friends” function, but if you pay attention, it also just made you realize the person that sends you 10 snaps a day most likely only sends them to you.
Like the old “best friends” function, no good is going to come from a smiling/smirking/heart emoji. Throw in a 9-to-5 job, and I can guarantee most of these emojis aren’t where you guessed. You shouldn’t care, but just like the amount of likes on a Facebook status or Instagram photo, everyone knows you do. Odds are one of your friend’s is already upset there isn’t a heart or smiley next to their name. Genius move by Snapchat. Annoying if your friends are sensitive social media whores.
Anyway, here’s a quick guide for each new emoji and what this new update really translates to for the post-grad worker trying to Snapchat the day away.
Fire – You Two Are On A Snapstreak – You and this person have sent snaps back and forth for the number of consecutive days shown
This is the only one I truly care for. It’s completely harmless. This is your go-to person you snap to survive the workday. Odds are the streak is going to hit five and then restart on Monday. Even if you don’t plan on ever hitting this person up on the weekend, they are reliable when you need to waste some time. Embrace it. That can be hard to find because believe it or not some people in this world accepted a job that doesn’t allow them to waste time sending pointless picture messages throughout the day. You two essentially have a mutual agreement to help each other survive the day, 10 seconds at a time.
Sunglasses – You Have A Mutual Best Friend – One of the people you send snaps to the most is also one of the people this person sends snaps to most
Congrats, now spend the rest of your day guessing who that is so you have someone else to waste time with until happy hour. The good news is it’s probably someone in your close circle of friends. The bad news is that this doesn’t mean they snap back. Either way, enjoy wasting the time figuring it out.
Gold Heart – You’re #1 Best Friends – The person is who you send snaps to the most and they sends snaps to you the most too
Unless this is your significant other, nothing good will come from this. If you have a significant other and it’s not them, you should fix that. Now. There’s a good chance they won’t be okay with the excuse “I only snap them at work” because no matter what you say, they will be wondering who that person is you’d rather snap at work and question why they always respond. Spend some time today thinking of a good excuse or if it’s actually your best friend then good for you? Again, what good can come from this?
Smile – One Of Your Best Friends – This is one of the people you send snaps to the most
This is the “best friends” function but more private. The good is that it serves as a nice reminder who will probably respond to your snaps throughout the work day. But you already know who will. At least it’s not on public display anymore for your friends that like to creep.
Grimace/Grit Teeth – You Have A Mutual #1 Best Friend – The person you send snaps to the most is also who this person sends snaps to most
Well the good news is both of you think this person is just as bored as you at work. But I have to break it to you: This person doesn’t feel the same or else you would have a smiley emoji. So the next time you draw Godzilla destroying your computer, leave them out. They’ll learn.
Smirk – You’re Their Best Friend But They’re Not Yours – You’re one of the people they send snaps to the most, but they’re not one of the people you send snaps to most
Someone really thinks of you while at work. Good for you. Problem is that while you are feeling good about the smirk emoji they are seeing the grimace emoji and you can expect that smirk to disappear pretty damn quick meaning you’ll be receiving less snaps to waste your day. Also, if it’s someone of the same sex, it’s only a let down. But hey, at least someone thinks about you and now you get to waste time trying to remember why it’s a one-sided relationship.
At the end of the day, someone is going to be upset with you whether they voice it or not solely because of emojis. This is essentially the “best friends” feature on steroids because not only are your crazy, phone-obsessed friends still hypothesizing why you don’t respond to snaps, they now have proof in the form of a creepy yellow face. And if they do confront you about these new emojis not adding up, please remind them it’s only a fucking phone app..