I think about winning the lottery a lot. In between working two jobs, finishing up school, and sobbing into my laptop while looking at my credit card statement/student loans, I like to take a nice break from reality and think about what I would do with all that cash. While my fantasies include some standard clichés (buy a Dodge Viper, go to Vegas, parachute into the Playboy mansion), one thing I would do with that money is to start my own business. I don’t know what it would produce, how it would make money, or even what it would be called, but I do know one thing – it would be a place that everyone wanted to work.
Here are the rules I would implement to make sure of that.
1. Four-day work weeks.
I know certain startups are already trying out the four-day week, and I’m going all in on it. I’m not naïve. I know that realistically, most people actually spend about 20-25 hours a week on actual work. The rest of the
40 50 hours is spent dicking around online, gossiping on Google Chat, and tinkering with fantasy lineups. When I give my employees every Monday off, I ensure that A) they bust their asses for me for the four days they’re in the office, and B) they have an extra day to kick the weekend’s hangover. If I’m signing the checks, I want you to be alert and functioning, not chugging water and coffee in a desperate attempt to beat the hangover from an aggressive Sunday Funday.
2. Snitches will get stitches.
One of my biggest grievances with the corporate life is how prevalent snaky people are, and how often backstabbing behavior is awarded. Coworkers will listen to you vent, posing as a friend (even a confidant) and then turn around and tell your boss what you were saying. Those same people will lie to shift blame that is rightfully theirs, and take credit for accomplishments they had no part in.
Not in my company. All snitching, lying, backstabbing, or general snaky behavior will be settled with a bare-knuckle brawl between the disgruntled parties. I don’t know if this will take place in the parking lot or if we’ll have a designated conference room, but I do know that all fights will need to be scheduled at least four hours prior via an Outlook Event. This is a business; we have rules.
3. A three-strike system for the break room.
On the first day at work, employees will be given three tokens from HR. Each time anyone acts like an asshole in the break room, they lose a token. If an employee loses all three of their tokens, they are no longer allowed to eat. Not just eat in the break room, eat at all.
From 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., I own their ass and they aren’t allowed to ingest food. If an employee loses that third token for stinking up the office with leftover fish stew like an asshole, they better start eating a big breakfast, or set up an IV with a meal replacement solution in his or her cube because they’re going to be hungry. Infractions that cause the loss a token will include (but are not limited to): heating up any fish, curry, or brussel sprout related dish, making popcorn and not offering it to everyone, and eating someone else’s lunch. Also, if someone’s on a diet, they’re not allowed to bitch about it. They made that choice, so either shut up or eat a burger.
4. “Strategic venting sessions.”
Any employee is allowed to book one (1) Strategic Venting Session per quarter. During this session, employees are given three minutes to tell their boss how they really feel about him or her. Yelling and profanity are not just allowed, but heavily encouraged. All employees are also given the option to trade in their year’s supply of venting sessions for one (1) open-hand slap to the face of their supervisor. This will help prevent a buildup of resentment and will be hilarious to watch. All Strategic Venting Sessions will be recorded and clips will be viewed in slow-mo at the company Christmas Party.
5. A strict dress code will be enforced.
No one is to roll into work with anything nicer than jeans on. I hate dressing up, and will be wearing joggers and Nikes every day. If an employee walks into the office in slacks and a dress shirt, I will take that as an affront to my style and laid back attitude, and they will be punished accordingly. If someone has to meet with a client, or potential business, they are required to wear the company tracksuit (black suede, with the company logo on the chest and their nickname on the back). Suede is the material of closers. That’s just science.
6. Any car found illegally parking in a handicap spot will be towed.
Not to a tow yard either. The car will be towed to the offending employee’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend’s house, parked out front, and an email will be sent to the employee’s partner re: suspected cheating. If the employee is single, the car will be parked in front of a whorehouse, and I will personally call his/her mother and tell them where it is. Anyone who takes a handicap spot and doesn’t need it is a piece of shit and deserves nothing less.
I will begin accepting applications immediately, with employment pending on when my lucky numbers hit. .
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