Six Types Of First Dates I Wish Were Real

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Six Types Of First Dates I Wish Were Real

I’m just going to put it out there: I hate, hate, hate the “let’s get drinks” first date. I’m not a big drinker (empty calories, you know) and frankly, I find sitting at a bar sipping water while trying to get to know each other painfully awkward. Of course, that could be because I myself am painfully awkward, but still, is anyone actually learning about the important things they are looking for in a mate during these outings? I think not.

But still, we persist on going on these meet-and-greet initial dates and we don’t find out the important stuff, the stuff that determines compatibility, until we are four or five dates in -– which means we are wasting time, people. Time that could be spent catching Pokémon or gluttonously eating pizza. So what if we could dive a little deeper on date one and find out some of the important stuff? Here are some activities I propose that we add to our first date repertoire in order to get down to business…figuratively speaking. I’m still not sleeping with you until date three. My momma raised a lady.

The Nap Date
Well, let me rephrase the above. I’ll sleep with you on date one, but only in the most literal of senses. The weekend nap is a large and important part of my Saturday/Sunday routine and if you are one of those people that thinks naps are for lazy people or are a “waste of time,” I’m not wasting my time with you.

Assuming you are down with the nap game, how you nap is also important. Do you nap on the couch or in bed? If you’re in bed, are you on top of the covers or underneath? Do you just cat-nap or go for a solid two hours? These are all important questions that I need the answers to.

The Grocery Shopping Date
Another part of my (pathetic) Saturday/Sunday routine is the grocery store run. Typically, this is an activity that I like to engage in on my own. I go with a list to make sure I get what I need for my planned meals for the week, (shut up, the only way to lose weight is to plan your meals ahead) but I also walk up and down every aisle in case there is something on sale I need to stock up on. I can kill a solid hour at the grocery store alone, and quite enjoy it. It’s like retail therapy, but also adulting.

I realize that if a relationship progresses, not only may I wind up shopping for two, but the odds are you may want to accompany me once in a while, and it’s important that our grocery store attack plans are compatible or disaster could be imminent (aka – a cart full of diet-sabotaging Chips Ahoy). So a first date at the grocery store could reveal important information — do you make a list or wing it? Are there any actual vegetables in your cart or do you just consider salsa to cover that food group? And most importantly — pizza rolls or bagel bites? It has better be the latter or GTFO.

The Airport Date
One of things I want to do with my future mate is travel. But as a seasoned traveler myself, I simply can’t be with someone long term who can’t navigate the terminal calmly or doesn’t understand the importance of having your shit together in the security line. So let’s head to the airport, buy the cheapest ticket possible, and see how you do. But I’m telling you, if you are one of those jerks that brings something stinky to eat on the plane, I’m ending this right here and now. I never want to be the girl with “that” guy.

The Drinking Game Date
Listen, if you’re a drinker, you need to know if your partner can hang, particularly on those long summer days that turn into an unplanned boozefest. So why not just make your date an Olympics of Drinking games and see if you’re well-matched both in terms of game skill and alcohol capacity, because no one wants to have the person that sucks (at drinking games) as a partner. Run the gauntlet of Beerpong, Flip Cup, Quarters, Drunga (aka Drunk Jenga), etc. to find out if you’re drunkenly compatible.

The Road Trip Date
Do you ever get in the car and just drive around, stopping wherever looks cool to eat or visit? No? Then I don’t want to go on a date with you. Road trips — either of the single-day or multi-day variety — are awesome, and how someone behaves on one can give you a bunch of insight. I’m pretty uptight, but if someone isn’t laid back enough to just get in the car and go wherever it takes you, he is out of contention in my book. Also to be considered: choice of road trip music, number of bathroom breaks needed, and whether you stop if there is a kid with a lemonade stand. The factors on the first two are flexible, but the answer to that last one must always be yes, with bonus points if you give the kid a $5 for a 75-cent cup of watery lemonade.

The Playoff Elimination Date
As I have made abundantly clear, I’m a football fanatic. Sundays are religious to me for reasons that have nothing to do with my twelve years in Catholic school (sorry, Mom). And I am no more fanatical than during the NFL playoffs. My mood can swing from joyful to downright maniacal with one missed field goal. They win — I’m as happy as if I’d won the lottery. They lose… well, you should let yourself out quietly, or at the very least not taunt me in my time of mourning.

This date concept applies across all sports, but with the same bottom line: you can tell a lot about someone by how they handle their teams winning or losing…and also by how someone handles you when your team wins or loses. Just ask the jerk that mocked me when the Patriots got eliminated by the Broncos last year. Never did answer that poor bastard’s texts.

So next time, let’s just skip the drinks and get right to the good stuff, okay?

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or

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