I’ve always been a fan of using as much slang as possible. Something about the ridiculous and nonsensical phrases our society uses has always amused me, and I try and work these phrases into my everyday life often. However, recently I’ve realized that I hate almost all slang that is being used today. I hate that what used to be called a “rager” is now “lit,” I hate the phrase “on fleek,” and I could not be happier that “the dab” is finally on it’s way out where it should have been a year ago.
Maybe I’m just a crotchety old man, but slang was way cooler back in the day, and I’ve been on a mission to bring these phrases back.
When you picture someone saying the word “bitchin’,” you picture Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed And Confused. Don’t lie, we all do. It’s a phrase that shows excitement, but in a laidback way that just oozes coolness. The more excited you get about things, the less cool you appear. That’s just science. The next time you see a street performer do a front flip over five people or you crush a drive on the range, act like you’ve been there before. Lean back, smile, and let the word “bitchin’” flow past your lips.
Example: “Did you see Mike nail that karaoke solo at the bar last week? It was bitchin’.”
This word is used with the same inflection and relaxed attitude as the previous entry, but in the opposite circumstances. While “bitchin’” is reserved for when awesome things happen, “gnarly” is for when shit hits the fan. Whether you witness a bad accident on the freeway, a player dislocate their knee in an NFL game, or someone lose their dinner on the club dance floor, if there’s mayhem or bloodshed involved, it’s time to bust out this word. It’s the only word that allows you to acknowledge that something horrible has happened, but also show that you’re too cool to let it faze you.
Example: “Watching Mike’s girlfriend kick him in the balls when she caught him making out with another girl at that karaoke bar was so gnarly.”
3. Laaaaaaaarge (in response to “How you livin’?”)
There are too many ways to ascertain how someone’s life is going nowadays. You could ask them “What’s up” (If you’re boring), “What’s good?” (If you’re trying to be cool) “What’s Gucci?” (If you’re trying to be cool on the west coast), or “What’s crackalackin?” (If you don’t remember what being cool feels like). There are a million ways to enquire about someone’s current state of affairs, and all of them make it seem like you actually want to know. And let’s be honest, you don’t. You just want to hear a quick “good, and you?” and go about your day. There’s something about exchanging a flawless “How you livin’?” “Laaaaaarge,” with someone that will bring your whole mood up. It’s like executing a perfectly choreographed dance number with a stranger; it’ll light up your day and spice up your life. Plus, no one actually has to talk about their life. It’s perfect.
Random stranger: “Yo my man, how you livin’?”
*high fives had by all*
Using this line is the pinnacle of comedy. It’s the verbal version of someone getting hit in the nuts. It will always be funny, and it is always applicable. Try this out in your daily life and tell me you don’t get a kick out of it every time. “Sorry I was late to dinner babe, I was cheating on you….NOT.” “Boss, the IRS is on the line, something about you being audited…NOT.” “Your dad’s been trying to reach you man, he said your mom was in a horrible accident…NOT.” Sure, the person you’re using this line on will never, ever, find it amusing, and you’ll likely lose all your friends, but it’ll crack you up every time.
Example: “Hi Stacey! Did you get a new haircut? You look great………….NOT!” *laugh for 11 straight minutes*
5. Talk to the hand, cos the face don’t care.
God, I miss the 90s. When else could a line this sassy and unnecessarily rude exist? Best used anytime you want to shut somebody the fuck up in the most infuriating way possible, delivering this phrase will surely end all semblance of a respectful conversation. The key to using this correctly is to give 150% sassy attitude while you say it. Bonus points if you actually wave your hand in their face and do a hair flip as you turn around. If you need to put on a wig to have enough hair to flip, that’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing. If someone actually said this to me today, I would literally applaud them, because they won the argument with one line.
Coworker: “So they’re worried it might be malignant, but I won’t know for sure until…”
You: “Talk to the hand, Rebecca, cos the face don’t care.”
Everyone else in your office: “Ooooooooooh!”
6. Finger guns
This might not be slang, per se, but it’s still something I’m desperately trying to bring back. I wasn’t even aware this gesture was no longer acceptable until my girlfriend told me to “stop perving on the hostess,” when I hit her with the double guns at dinner last week. The vibe I thought I was putting off was “just a chill guy saying thanks for getting us seated so quickly even though I’m clearly lying about having a reservation,” but apparently the vibe that came across was “I’m the kind of drunk uncle who would comment on ‘how much you’ve grown’ while staring at your rack.” This is a shame, because the finger guns used to be the pinnacle of cool guy behavior. You’d use it when you burn somebody with a good one liner, you’d use it when you order a round of drinks at the bar, and you’d damn sure use it when you close a deal. Shooters shoot, closers close, and I want to make finger guns great again.
Example: “What’s up pussies, daddy just got cut 20 large in commish this month, so the first round at the steak house is on me.”
*Hit your coworkers with the double finger guns, holster them, and speed out of the lot in your ’94 Miata – top down* .
Image via YouTube