I’m a firm believer in keeping life entertaining. I’ve been known to “do it all for the story,” and heavily encourage my friends to do the same. At this point, everyone in my life knows that when coming to me for advice, my first priority is going to be to entertain myself, and if I can do that in a way that actually benefits the advice seeker, I suppose I’ll try to do that as well. You’d think that people would stop asking me for advice at this point, but for some reason they still do, and every once in a while it actually works out for them. Here are some of the best bad advice I’ve given.
The question: Should I try and drift my car down this hill during a rainstorm?
My advice: Yes. Rain makes the roads more slick, therefore, easier to drift on. If you don’t hit that turn at 10 mph faster than usual, you’re a pussy. That’s science.
The result: My friend totaled his BMW, resulting in him having to bum rides to school from his extremely attractive neighbor, with whom he ended up going to prom/losing his virginity. He essentially traded a 30k car for two minutes of sex. At 17 years old, that counts as a win, and I’m proud of my advice.
The question: I have a midterm presentation that I completely forgot about for my class in a few hours. Should I even go?
My advice: Roll in there with no backpack, claim your laptop got stolen out of your car, and do the presentation with no material. Even if you pull off a D+ performance, your teacher is going to tack on an extra 10% out of pity/for having the balls to follow through. Also, let’s hit happy hour first to get you loosened up.
The result: The teacher lectured him about backing up his material in the future, sympathized about the “robbery,” and gave him a three-day extension. He still procrastinated throughout most of those three days, but managed to scrape a B-.
The question: My girlfriend just texted me that “we need to talk about our relationship and how we display feelings towards each other.” I know you’re the last person to come to for relationship advice, but I’m scared Nick, I’m so scared. What’s my plan?
My advice: Drink this $8 handle of Taaka until commitment and the thought of settling down doesn’t scare you. I have no idea what this talk will be about, but I guarantee it’ll be easier if you’re shitfaced.
The result: To this day, no one except for his girlfriend knows what happened in that conversation. By the time she showed up for The Talk, my buddy was 100% blacked out. I left the room, and an hour later when they walked out, they both seemed happy, content, and completely in love. They’re still together and going strong, and I’m pretty sure that conversation was a turning point in their relationship. At some point, she is going to find out he doesn’t remember it and all hell will break loose, but for now, I’m counting this as a win.
The question: Yo, you got a condom?
My advice: Condoms suck. Just go bareback; she seems like a classy girl who doesn’t have an incurable STD.
The result: Out of the five people that have asked me this question, four of them had sex with no pregnancies or STDs. The fifth got Chlamydia, but it cleared right up with antibiotics. I still think that’s a winning record, and more importantly, a hilarious story.
The question: My older coworker won’t stop asking me “what I really did this weekend,” instead of just accepting my bland, safe-for-work answers. He keeps saying, “I was young once, you don’t have to lie to me.” How do I stop this annoyance?
My advice: Tell him exactly what you did this weekend. Pull no punches. Tell him that you were drunk from 5:01 p.m. on Friday until 3:30 p.m. on Sunday. Tell him you matched with a stranger on Tinder and had sloppy sex with her six hours later. Tell him you took an Adderall (from someone else’s prescription) in order to drink for longer on Saturday, and that you spent a fifth of your paycheck betting on college football. This guy thinks he’s still young enough to handle the truth about your weekend, and you need to shock him into realizing he’s old and even hearing about what you do over your weekends will give him a second-hand hangover.
The result: That guy never asked about his weekend again. In fact, since that conversation, he’s communicated solely through email, and seems scared to be in the same room as my friend.
The question: This guy I’ve been seeing asked me to plan our next date; what should I do that shows I’m fun, but not trying too hard?
The answer: Go to a boozy brunch and then the modern art museum. 90 percent of art is boring AF, but modern art is dope. There will be crazy sculptures, interactive exhibits, and probably some sort of moving contraptions. You both get to pretend you’re classy, but in reality, you’ll be rocking an aggressive buzz and making fun of the weird art. If art isn’t your thing, you can also get baked and hit up a planetarium.
The result: The date was awesome, and they continued to see each other for a few weeks until he started to get too clingy and she dropped him. I’m not saying that the dude’s clinginess was a direct result of my awesome date idea, but I’m not not saying it. .
If your life isn’t enough of a mess and you need some bad advice, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via YouTube