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Signs That You Are Next Level Single

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There are two ways to be single. The first category is just being single. These are the women who find a way to bring up their single-status in any conversation. They overanalyze every conversation they have with a man, and they like to remind everyone that they are “so going to die alone.” The second group laughs in the face of the first group. The second group consists of the few, the proud, the next level single. If you are having a hard time deciding which category you are a member of, or if you’re concerned for a friend or a family member, use the following list as a guide.

You have lost your filter.
There was once a day when you went on first dates and acted coy and hard to get. You would laugh during all the right moments and order something sweet and sparkling. Those dates are distant memories. When you go on first dates now, you find yourself bringing up your middle school scoliosis brace within the first hour. Your go-to awkward silence date question used to be, “If you were in the MLB, what would your walk-out song be?” Now, when there is a silence longer than three seconds, you take that as a cue to discuss “National Treasure” plot holes.

You have no sense of style.
Your sundresses and boots have been pushed to the back of your closet in favor of 10,000 event T-shirts and yoga pants. The worst part of your total departure from fashion is your justification for the change. You explain that the reason you dress like an 11-year-old boy on the middle school cross country team is because “the man who is meant for you will appreciate you for who you are, and not for what you wear.” While ultimately that may be true, we all know the real reason is because you simply prefer clothing that hardly makes contact with your body. Speaking of no contact with your body…

You have no memory of human contact.
The last person who touched your body was the window cashier at Chick-fil-A when he handed you change. Being in a dry spell is almost too generous an explanation. This is something you used to be upset about, but you’re not anymore. Late nights in the company of someone you are interested in would only distract from late nights with your true love, Netflix. Side note: if at any point in the last few months you have high-fived yourself, seek help immediately.

You don’t remember how to flirt.
Maybe that guy was hitting on you or maybe he wasn’t. You honestly have no idea. The last time a guy at a bar asked for your number, you spilled your drink on yourself and mumbled incoherently. You could ask your handsome friend who always wants to grab dinner to be your plus one to an upcoming wedding, but that requires planning and human interaction, so nope. You say you are going solo because you “might meet someone at the wedding,” but honestly, you just want uninterrupted time with the cheese cube spread.

You spend too much time alone.
This has nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted. (On a related note, nobody cares.) This has everything to do with the fact that you don’t have guaranteed companionship. Seeing a matinee movie for one? Sounds like a perfectly economical and relaxing Saturday to you. A few months ago, you would have been mortified to eat a Chipotle burrito alone at the singles bar. Now, you pick up a newspaper and predatorily stare at anyone encroaching on your personal space. You thrive in museums and galleries–those places were made for solo trips. There is nothing wrong with spending some time in your life learning about yourself, but under no circumstances should you resort to “paper plate mop dancing” like a SIM character. Please get help before it gets to that point.

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SloanePeterson

Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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