Have you seen NBC’s fall lineup? It looks like a list of SNL sketches making fun of NBC’s fall lineup. So, in light of NBC, and frankly all of the major networks continuing to serve up dumpster fires of storytelling, I have a few shows of my own I’d like to pitch.
Logline: All families are a little bonkers, but this family is Mormon!
Mormon Dad – Buttoned up, no nonsense type. He’s a history teacher at the Mormon private school.
Mormon Mom – She’s very put together, but she has a bit of a past. Everyone will be blown away when we find out that she used to be a…professional roller derby player?!
Mormon Son – This kid is a goodie two-shoes who wants to be just like his dad–except he’s secretly gay!
Rebellious Daughter – She kisses boys. Game over.
“[Androgynous First Name]’s Problem”
Logline: A renegade cop who doesn’t play by the rules, but wait–SHE’S A CHICK. Yeah, and to shake things up, she’s getting put with her first female partner.
Renegade Lady Cop – She has all the qualities of the tough, renegade cop you’ve seen for decades. That’s it. We’ve decided that because we made her a woman, that exempts us from actually having to develop her as a character, and we’ll just use every tired trope you’ve seen for years.
Stereotypical Lady Partner – Oh man, is she girly. Like, how did she even become a police officer? She’s the Elle Woods of the LAPD. She probably just smiled her way through the academy, and boy oh boy, does she drive Renegade Lady Cop CRAZY.
Logline: Something happened. The Earth as we know it is over. Don’t ask why or how. All that matters is that we’re all immediately separating into tribes, because IT’S A METAPHOR OKAY?
Reluctant Leader – He held a respectable but not overly important job before the apocalypse. He’d be the perfect leader, if only he wanted to lead. His main problem is that the memory of his dead wife gets in the way of him boning all these post-apocalyptic babes.
Babe #1 – She’s smart and TV hot. She wants to bang Reluctant Leader. Her actual storyline is not inherently interesting, because who cares?
Babe #2 – She’s dumb but resourceful and also TV hot, but with an “edge.” She also wants to bang Reluctant Leader. Interesting storyline? No fucking chance, pal.
The Big Bad – Just a dick. He kills people for fun. Oh, by the way, he engineered the apocalypse. The show will be canceled before we have to figure out exactly why.
Conflicted Villain Guy – He’s not all the way bad–that’s the job of the Big Bad. He’s the one who will make a miraculous and totally unexpected turn and become good. The only problem is, that puts him in romantic contention for the babes.
Logline: “NCIS” is allegedly about the Navy, but whatever, we’ll landlock it in an uninteresting city anyway, because this is our heat check. There will be no discernible storyline, just a lead actor old people will recognize from that thing from 20 years ago. Lots and lots of fake cliffhangers.
WHO CARES? THE ONLY VIEWERS ARE FUNCTIONALLY BRAIN DEAD. Don’t worry, though–there are 20 million of them, so this thing will run for a decade.