I want to start off by saying — this isn’t my stance to seem like a “cool girl.” I never go over the speed limit, I think football is tolerable only if there’s a good buffalo chicken dip within reach, and I start yawning the second the clock hits 10 p.m. I mean, if you want to think I’m a cool girl, that’s fine. But personally, I don’t think ordering a Blue Moon and liking Seth Rogen movies constitutes that title. Whatever. I digress.
That point is
I’m fishing for compliments from strangers on the internet, as a female in 2017 (or maybe just as a human), I’m obviously a feminist. That’s like saying “I’m not a Nazi.”* I want equality just like everyone else, but that doesn’t mean I want all chivalry to completely go out the window. Hypocritical? Sure. Maybe? But I never said my views made sense. No, I don’t think a guy should pay every time, but picking up the tab every now and again is nice. And ladies? We’re strong. Our credit cards are just as heavy. We can whip it out every now and again.
And all of it is important. Getting paid the same amount. Getting taken seriously. Getting the jobs we deserve and getting the leave we deserve when we rip our assholes in an effort to continue the human race. But one of, if not the most important thing we need equality in, is the bathroom.
This isn’t a bathroom debate about who can or can’t use a male or female restroom. No, this is a debate about the toilet seat, and potentially the lid, if we decide to get real weird.
Since I was little (and just assumed I’d graduate college with a husband and a baby on the way. How fucked up is that, right? Little did I know you have to be hot and give blowjobs** to land a gig like that), I always heard that a man must put down the toilet seat after he uses the restroom. That’s just how it is, thank you very much. While some of the more archaic things have slowly gone of our style, such as treating women like property (not cool) or paying for everything (that one was sort of cool), one social norm that’s still around, however, is the toilet set. And for that, I’m utterly appalled.
I’m writing this because I’m a woman, and as a woman, I can say this. A guy, however, can not. Just like if a guy says he doesn’t like it when women breastfeed in public, he looks like an asshole (this isn’t a real example. Totally hypothetical). If a girl says it though, whatever. She’s allowed to have an opinion on the matter. Makes sense, right? So, as a lady, I’ve taken it upon myself to be the voice of men. Because let’s be real — they’re really not getting enough say as it is.
Argument 1: Girls Can’t See That The Seat Is Up
This is the most sound argument of all, and I get this reasoning behind why guys should put it down. Guys tend to face the toilet when they pee (unless they’re hungover or post-sex, so I’ve heard), so they can decide to either risk it and pee with the seat down or lift it up if they don’t have as good of aim. Girls, however, usually face the other way when they pee, so if they just plop down sans-seat, they might end up with their asses in the water (assuming their asses are small enough to fit in there).
That said, this argument is bullshit. We don’t walk into the bathroom with our vaginas covering our eyes. We can still see the toilet just as well as a guy when we jaunt in. They come in the restroom, see the seat down, and have to lift it up to avoid spraying peeing everywhere. Why can’t we take half a second to check and see if the seat is up, before getting things done? Are we too busy thinking about how to cure cancer or end world hunger? Equality means both sexes have to take a split second to glance at the toilet, and personally, I think it’s fair. Just because society says men need to be the ones working the seat, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right.
Argument 2: It’s Dirty
Another sound argument is the ole, “guys tend to miss the toilet bowl more and get urine everywhere” point. Having grown up with two older brothers, I’m not immune to having stepped in a pool of pee or sitting down on a wet seat. It was disgusting, but it made me stronger. That said, I don’t think just accepting that a guy is going to spray everywhere is fine. It’s not. But I think that if anyone makes a mess in the bathroom, they should have to clean it up. Whether it’s peeing with the seat down getting the underside dirty, or missing it all together, both sexes need to follow the ultimate bathroom motto: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and whip the seat.” It’s that easy.
Argument 3: It Looks Bad
At this point, we’re just reaching. Whether you’re team “put the seat down” or “put the lid down,” both arguments are bullshit. I recently went to a friend’s house and after using the bathroom, I saw her go in there, put the lid down, and walk out like I was some sort of barbarian. It felt weird and shameful and I have to say — it’s stupid. Maybe it looks marginally better, maybe it doesn’t. But the point is, that bowl of water in the room isn’t there to look pretty. It’s not to display some exotic fucking roses. It’s there to hold our watery shits after having too many Doritos Locos Tacos and vodka sodas. You’re not fooling anyone by covering it with some plastic. Let’s not try to make it something it’s not.
So, everyone, please just chill out. Find more important things to fight about, like why his mother doesn’t like you or whose turn it is to pick a movie. For the sake of your relationship, stop trying to control your significant other, and most importantly — stop trying to control the toilet seat..
*I realize that is not, at all, like saying “I’m not a Nazi.”
**Calm down, everyone. I’m not anti-blowjob. I give them. Relax.
**Unless my parents are reading this, in which case, what’s a blowjob?
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