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Rules For Attending A Professional Sporting Event Like An Adult

Rules For Attending A Professional Sporting Event Like An Adult

If you’re a sports fan, these next two months is one of the best times of your year. The Final Four is set, Opening Day is in a week and the NBA and NHL playoffs start soon. As post grads with some disposable income, a good majority of us occasionally enjoy attending games in person rather than from the comfort of Couch City. Once you get on the wrong side of 25, however, the standards for which you are held at professional sporting events change drastically.

Seating

Only enter/leave your seats during a dead ball or timeout.
This is the most basic, simple rule to follow. In professional sports there are a thousand opportunities a game to NOT disrupt the viewing experience of others. Take this one step further and grab seats on the aisle so you hinder nobody.

When you’re in your seat, stand only when at least 10K other people stand.
It sure is exciting when the Splash Brothers his a three pointer but standing up and doing jumping jacks for ten minutes after the shot falls makes everybody in your section and family wish you’d do a header onto the lower deck.

If your seats are nosebleed/upper deck, sit back and don’t lean forward like a jackass.
There are a good number of us that suffer from Big Head Syndrome and one big headed idiot leaning forward so his view is 0.25% better creates a domino effect for rows and rows. I have to remind myself of this nearly every game I go to.

Attire

No baseball gloves if you’re over the age of 13.
Scratch that, the age of 10. And if you approach an athlete who was born when you were in college and ask for his autograph they have the right to kick you out of the stadium. Speaking of age…

No jerseys if you’re older than the player whose jersey you’re wearing.
This past Christmas I won a Kris Bryant jersey in the Hickey Family White Elephant. As sweet as I initially thought it was I eventually gave it to my brother who was also born in the early 90’s.

A hockey jersey is not “all sporting events” appropriate.
You literally look like a clown. On that note, if you’re not going to wear either team’s colors, don’t wear any team colors at all. Glad to know you’re a Sharks fan, why did you wear your jersey to a fucking Wizards game?

Money

Wait until the very last minute to buy tickets online. Prices will drop.
I know guys who waited until they were rocketing down to Cleveland from Chicago in an RV for Game 7 of the World Series to buy their tickets. Probably saved themselves a couple grand on the way to the greatest memory of their life that I should have been a part of and will regret forever.

We get it…the beer’s expensive.
Just shut up and drink it. I don’t care how much a beer is at the minor league baseball stadium across the street from the Piggly Wiggly back home.

Carry cash.
It’s easier to buy from the vendors walking up and down the aisles and you won’t miss any of the action waiting in line for some stupid IPA your buddy wants.

Children

If you have a young kid (5 years old or less), bring them to a preseason NFL game.
They won’t know the difference and cheaper seats means Daddy has more scratch for beers.

Don’t spend the whole time trying to “teach” them how the game works.
He’s 4 he’s not going to understand or care what the option is. Also don’t spend their prime developmental years trying to shove your favorite team down their throat. Does your kid realize you didn’t even go to Notre Dame you fucking dork?

Here’s the official length of sporting events for your child if they don’t know any better:

Baseball – 6 innnings
Hockey – 2 periods
Football – 3 quarters
Basketball – one half

Dates

If you bring a date, avoid over-educating her. She doesn’t care about where the backup QB went to college.
She’s most likely just trying to see if the game has a SnapChat filter. And I’m sure a female will say in response to this, “Hey, don’t generalize women like that. I’m cool! I pay attention at sporting events.” You’re 100% correct, you are cool. I’m talking about the rest of you.

If you are stuck with a date who’s disinterested in sports, bring her to sporting events in this order:

1. Basketball: It’s indoors so there are no weather issues and tons of distractions: halftime show, contests during timeouts and shit falling from the ceiling via parachutes.

2. Football: The most exciting live sport with the rowdiest/most fun fans. Plus it’s in the fall so she can wear her favorite jersey and boots combo.

3. Baseball: Slowest of all the games, however in the summertime it’s a good opportunity for the two of you to drink in the sun and work on your tans.

4. Hockey: Lots of cons including temperature, length and lack of entertainment besides the game. Also be prepared to answer questions about why there are three periods.

Under no circumstances should you propose at a sporting event.
Name one happily married couple you’ve met who begin the story of their engagement with, “It was a beautiful Tuesday night in January and he had won Bucks-Sixers tickets in a company raffle…”

Any rules I missed?

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This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley and I invite on PGP’s Best to help answer listener DMs, play a new game and talk about our criminal pasts. New episodes drop every Wednesday AM, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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