- Describing his weekly alcohol intake as “one shelf.”
- Only crying twice in his life. Once after being hit by a school bus, and the other being the death of a mini horse.
- Having a sawed off shotgun and claymore landmine on his desk.
- Dressing like Tiger Woods the day after he has sex.
- “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark haired women and breakfast food.”
- Getting his first job at a sheet metal factory and running the floor within two weeks at the age of nine.
- Declaring fish meat as “practically a vegetable.”
- “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
- Keeping a scrapbook of every steak he’s ever eaten at Charles Mulligan’s steakhouse.
- Keeping a sizeable amount of ground chuck in his desk.
- “I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department, and that includes the men.”
- Love making and woodworking being his only form of exercise.
- Pretending to pull out his own tooth to demonstrate to his coworkers that he is capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
- The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
- His final wish being that both of his ex-wives would rush to his side so he can tell them to go to hell one last time.
- “You had me at ‘meat tornado.'”
- Duke Silver.
- Refusing to eat salad because it’s the food his food eats.
- Having never been hungover thanks to his hangover cure of eating a large pan fried flank steak and wearing wet socks.
- Eating a party platter for 12 people in less than four minutes.
- Getting tricked by a process server who told him he’d won a free dinner from St. Elmo’s steakhouse and then telling him that he respected the effort..
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