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Ridiculous News Headlines I Fully Expect To See In The Next Year

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The news gets more ridiculous every day. I’m not sure whether people are actually getting crazier or if publications are just getting better at finding the crazy, but I fully expect the trend to continue. In light of that, here’s a small sample of headlines that I imagine will take some form in the coming year:

  • “Johnny Manziel Changes Nickname To Johnny Foosball To Reflect Career Change”
  • “New Militant Group You’ve Never Heard Of Has Taken Over Region You’ve Never Heard Of”
  • “Kate Upton Says, ‘Fuck It, Might As Well’; Poses For Playboy”
  • “We’re Using This Societal Study To Draw Whatever Conclusions Serve Our Needs”
  • “We Might Have Been Wrong About That Thing, But What If We Hadn’t Been?!”
  • “Formerly Famous Band Puts Out New Album Thinking It Still Knows How To Make Good Music”
  • “Every NFL Player Indicted For Various Crimes, All Most Likely To Start Next Week”
  • “Broadcast Network Green-Lights ‘Edgy Comedy’ That Is Literally The Most Vanilla Show Ever”
  • “Putin Still Doing Ridiculous Shit, Ain’t Nobody Doing Nothin’ About It”
  • “President Obama Blamed For Things That Aren’t His Fault, Fires Back With False Accusations Of His Own”
  • “Two Remaining Cable Companies Choose Merger Over Tiring Competition”
  • “Thousands Of People Hold Rally To Remember What The NSA Stands For, Because Seriously, They Forgot”
  • “New Marvel Movie Has No Title, Still Makes More Money Than Most Countries”
  • “COPS ARE DESTROYING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, PROBABLY”
  • “New Kids On The Block Now Playing On Classic Rock Stations, People Weep For Their Youth”
  • “Merriam-Webster Begs To Be Hip, Adds New Slang Words To Dictionary”
  • “Full-On Pornographic Video Game Released, Available On All Consoles”
  • “Smartphone Features People Didn’t Know They Wanted Create Fake Demand For Device”
  • “Fox Has Officially Lost Count Of ‘The Simpsons’ Seasons”
  • “Scientific Study Proves Something We’ve Always Known To Be True”
  • “Hot, New App Valued At $2 Billion, Investors Still Not Sure What It Does”
  • “Pauly Shore Continues To Ask If He’s Allowed Back In Hollywood Yet”
  • “New Competition Cooking Show Features Famous Chef, CRAZY Twist Announced”
  • “Everyone Still Afraid To Be The First Person To Call Out Brad Pitt For Being Smug”
  • “More States Make Marijuana Legal, Potheads Still Complaining”
  • “New Cancer Cure That’s Bullshit And You’ll Forget Reading About In A Week”
  • “Malaysian Air Loses Another Airliner, This Time Before It Even Took Off”
  • “Matthew McConaughey Wins Grammy For Drunk Karaoke Night”
  • “Nerds Find Picky Reasons To Hate Pretty Decent ‘Star Wars’ Movie”
  • “We Know This Is An Overreaction, But We Don’t Care”
  • “’True Detective’ Season 2: More Confusion And Pretension, Even More Praise”
  • “California Experiencing Yet Another Drought, Still No Plans To Actually Limit Lawn Watering”
  • “Lena Dunham Gets Naked Again, You’re An Asshole For Not Loving It”
  • “Photos Of Brave Acts That Will In No Way Counterbalance The Evil That’s In 98 Percent Of Our Stories”
  • “Older Writer Finds New Way To Shit On Millennials”
  • “NBC Premieres Another Dogshit Fall Lineup, Still Confused Why No One’s Watching”
  • “LeBron Realizes He Made A Huge Mistake, Quits Basketball Altogether”
  • “Justin Bieber Arrested For Committing [Any Sexual Act] With [Any Animal]”
  • “Read This Title And Freak Out, But Don’t Worry — The Actual Article Has Little To Do With It”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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