Return Of The Gym Douche

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Return Of The Gym Douche

It’s been a quiet few weeks at your local fitness center. You’re on a roll lately, as you’ve managed to appear no less than three times per week for at least the last month. Are your arms looking a little bigger? Probably. You’re even getting acquainted with the sauna, which is surprisingly refreshing. The true order of things has been restored. Or so you thought.

It was a Tuesday evening like any other: back and chest day. You were really looking forward to firing up that new “GYM” playlist you just updated with some fire jams from Drake and The Weeknd. But when you walked in, scanned your card, and exchanged pleasantries with the high school kid working the front desk, you could sense something was different. You felt it way down in your plums. Then, like a clap of thunder from the gods, you heard the sound of weights violently hitting the floor. And not just any weights — these were big boy weights. Without even seeing the culprit, you realized that everything changed. Your quiet little gym had acquired a gym douche.

You must prepare yourself for this situation, because unless you workout at Curves, your gym will have a gym douche.

What, or who, is Gym Douche?

You should never judge a book by its cover, but this book’s cover is littered with inspirational quotes and mirror selfies. Gym Douche is just a different breed. He looks like the Nike Outlet threw up Combat gear and it landed on the balcony of his apartment. Gym douche is not afraid to showcase his nipples through a form fitting dryfit. Does he coordinate his workout attire? Of course he does. Don’t sell Gym Douche short. He’s going to gram a pic that 87 of his followers will see. He needs his gear game to be on point. If he grams a #MondayMotivation pic, and 30 people don’t like it, then his body will release estrogen instead of testosterone.

What does Gym Douche Want?

While he appears to be training for a special-ops mission, he’s really just hoping he’ll look swoll in the professionally photographed Tough Mudder pics. Gym Douche can’t have a repeat of last year’s Mud Run when he ran the entire race in a t-shirt from college and some Adidas running shorts. This year, he’ll be shirtless, covered in the perfect amount of mud, all while wearing a viking helmet that everyone will think is hilarious. Gym Douche: you so crazy.

It boils down to attention. GD wants to be noticed. Men, women — it doesn’t matter. For 8 hours of the day, Gym Douche is just another dude in a cubicle taking orders from some old guy who probably doesn’t even lift. But for that 1.5 hour period after work, Gym Douche is a big swinging D. He’s sprinting from bench, to machine, to squat rack, back to the bench, trying out that new “Get Ripped In No Time” workout he tore out of his Men’s Health mag. And don’t you dare try to work in with him. Hell hath no fury like a gym douche having his circuit session interrupted. What the hell were you thinking?

How do I reason with Gym Douche?

You fool. Gym Douche cannot be reasoned with. Know that going in. He blatantly disregards the “Please Do Not Slam The Weights” sign printed by the dumbbell rack. Gym Douche laughs at that sign as he sets a new personal best on power clean and drops the fuck out of that bar. That pair of seventy-five pound dumbbells that you clearly weren’t using? He’ll ask if you’re about to use those just to make you aware that he’s lifting heavy. It’s not ideal, but you have to stand your ground. While he oozes synthetic growth hormone, Gym Douche does not want a confrontation. Even though you’re only lifting a fraction of what he is, you must do so confidently.

It’s all about the mental edge. Gym Douche wants to see you staring at him in awe as he throws up 225 ten times for his bench warmup. Pretend he’s not there. It will make him lose sleep at night. Gym Douche will question everything as he sees that you’re completely content curling the twenty-fives. In the end, guys like Gym Douche are defined by the weights they lift. It’s all they have. You? You’re actually pretty satisfied with who you are. Sure, you feel like scum for eating Raising Cane’s twice in 48 hours, and you’d like to burn that off before those slacks fit any tighter. That’s normal. What’s not normal? Gym Douche. Gym Douche is not normal.

Image via Shutterstock

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