I think we can all agree that no matter which way you lean on the political spectrum, Donald Trump’s candidacy is the best thing to happen to politics since Howard Stern ran for Governor of New York in 1994. From a pure comedic standpoint, I hope Trump never stops running for President, ever.
It’s no coincidence that Jon Stewart is ending his run on The Daily Show tonight, because there’s no amount of political satire on earth that can even begin to scratch the surface of what will happen at tonight’s debate when “The Donald” is unleashed on these poor, hapless Republican candidates. Jon Stewart would have to enlist the help of Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner and Chris Rock, then find some way to bring George Carlin, Johnny Carson and Groucho Marx back from the dead, and even then, who knows if they can truly capture just how effectively and completely Donald Trump is teabagging this election.
Make no mistake: Tonight’s Republican Debate is appointment television. It would’ve been entertaining anyway to see Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and Rand Paul square off. Walker, Cruz, Carson and Rubio? That’s gravy. Gov. John Kasich? Whoever that is, sure. But throw Trump in there, and we’ve got ourselves a DEATHBLOW IN OHIO. Order some wings, grab your beers and play along at home. You’re gonna get drunk.
Take A Drink Whenever:
∙ Donald Trump mentions his wealth/net worth.
∙ Any candidate mentions Benghazi.
∙ Ben Carson makes a medical pun about “healing/fixing/sewing up/performing surgery on this country.”
∙ Ben Carson’s medical puns fall flat.
∙ Rand Paul makes a rebuttal to Carson that he’s a doctor too.
∙ Trump says he’s seen more vaginas than former-OB/GYN Ron Paul.
∙ Someone makes a pun about Chris Christie “tipping the scales”
∙ Ohio Governor John Kasich says he’s got “Home Field Advantage.”
∙ A candidate other than Marco Rubio speaks Spanish.
∙ Someone calls out Christie for “Hug-Gate.”
∙ Someone mentions Trump’s clothing line and the fact that it’s made in China.
∙ Trump refuses to answer a question, calling it “stupid.”
Take Two Drinks Whenever:
∙ Trump calls someone a “Loser,” “Idiot” or “Moron.”
∙ Someone makes reference to the rug on Trump’s head.
∙ Trump threatens to beat someone up.
∙ Trump actually beats someone up.
∙ Someone calls out Trump’s corporations filing for Bankruptcy 11 times.
∙ Someone whips out a Birth Certificate.
Finish Your Drink If:
∙ Chris Christie eats something on stage.
∙ Marco Rubio mentions his friendship with Pitbull.
∙ Trump’s hair jumps off his head and starts leading in the polls.
∙ Zombie Reagan shows up thanks to an ungodly melding of science and arcane Republican magic, but still comes in second to Trump.
∙ A drunken, sobbing Rick Perry shows up and does something uncomfortable.
∙ Governor John Kasich actually gets a word in edgewise..
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