Remember: Today, On Election Day, Don’t Be A Boner

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Remember: Today, On Election Day, Don't Be A Boner

Did you wake up this morning wide-eyed at the thought of being a part of history? Did your civic pride overwhelm you as you left the house early to miss the long lines at the polls? Were you overcome with emotion as you placed the “I voted” sticker above your heart as you headed to the office for a full day of refreshing the CNN homepage?

Wow, congrats. Who gives a shit you huge fucking boner.

Seriously, are you telling me that on a Tuesday with #MACtion on tonight we are going to waste our time on CNN watching Wolf Blitzer have a stroke as he fumbles a monumental broadcast call when Hillary Clinton hits 270? Like, come the fuck on.

Here is what you need to be doing: Betting the goddamn house on Western Michigan and getting home early to put a lasagna in the oven. That’s what Tuesdays in the fall are all about, baby.

Things that matter today outside of sports: Nothing. Who gives a fuck at all about anything except sports. Just watch sports today. Politics is similar to sports except everyone is a loser — including you, the idiot watching it instead of sports.

You know why election day is good? Because federal law requires your employer to give you two hours off to go vote. You can just take two hours off to nap, watch TV, jack off, you name it. You can even go watch a movie at a nearby theater. There won’t be any lines either, because all of those idiots are wasting their precious time voting.

I’ll tell you what I tell my friends and family: The president is nothing more than a hologram created and equally controlled by Wall Street traders and Teamsters union bigwigs as they play to your patriotism while gutting you from behind. It doesn’t matter who fills the role as president. Anybody can do it. You can do it. I can do it. My dog can do it. Waste of time.

You have a choice today between a woman who ruins memes and a completely and totally corrupt deflated basketball, but those aren’t your only two choices. You can also do nothing. Doing something — “caring” — about anything, sucks. Want to feel good? Vote. Want to feel even better? Eat a s’more and wait to die. Your life is not going to change regardless of who is in office. You don’t matter at all.

So today, on election day, I plead with you: No more Instagrams. No more Facebook posts. No more hashtags. Do what is truly American — heat up a lasagna and bet the house on Western Michigan.

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