Alright folks – there’s nothing like ending a long weekend dedicated to celebrating the life of one of the most influential civil rights leaders in our country’s history by watching our nation’s shittiest individuals parade around with their tits and daddy issues hanging out, but here we are. The TL;DR version of last week’s episode of The Bachelor is that Corinne is easily the most insane human to appear on this franchise, and Liz was the Maid of Honor at Jade and Tanner’s wedding where she had sex with Nick. Again, Liz had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Sex. With Pubes.
This week’s episode picked up with a brief recap of where last week’s ended abruptly. After asking Liz if she had come on the show for the right reasons, Nick decided to give her the boot in hopes of banging women he has not already banged. Apparently Nick isn’t one for takesies-backsies. After sending Liz home, Nick told the rest of the women on the group date that he knew Liz prior to the start of the show, and when he said he knew Liz, he indeed meant in the biblical sense. He also knew her in several senses that the Bible expressly forbade. It wasn’t shown on camera, but Nick gave
Gretchen Wieners Christen the group date rose following the events that transpired, probably in hopes that she would shut the fuck up about him banging Liz and stop cockblocking him by telling the other women. Alas, this would not be the case.
Up to this point, I’d forgotten that we were deprived of a Rose Ceremony last week and still have to endure this shit. Instead of seeing Nick’s conversations with any of the girls, we mostly see the them talking to each other about why Liz was sent home. The women’s reaction to learning about Nick and Liz’s game of hide the pickle is bizarre to say the least – and by bizarre, I mean they all lose their goddamn minds like they thought Nick was a virgin. It’s like they’re back in seventh grade and they just found out their boyfriend since second period borrowed that slut Jessica’s gel pens in English class. It’s like by fornicating with Liz, Nick cheated on them – even though it happened nine months before Nick even knew any of them existed. Keep in mind this is a dude who has very publicly made the sex with two previous Bachelorettes, and will most certainly bury Little Nicky in at least three of the current contestants on three consecutive days later this season. Come on ladies, you knew the deal when you signed up.
There was one contestant who was unfazed by Nick’s revelation: Corinne. Shocking, I know. Even though she already had a rose from her Girls Gone Wild group date, she wanted to have more time with Nick at the cocktail party. To catch Nick’s attention, she did what any raving lunatic would do – tracked down a few cans of whipped cream, strapped on some nice lingerie, and proceeded to cover all that shit up with a trench coat.
Let’s take a moment to ponder this trench coat situation. Did Corinne bring a trench coat from home? Are there just trench coats lying around the Bachelor mansion, or did some dude who was jerking off in his car in the driveway just happen to leave it behind? We may never know, and I’m okay with that.
Dressed as a flasher, Corinne proceeded to lure Nick to the front of the mansion, except instead of using candy, a puppy, and a windowless van, she set her trap with a can of whipped cream and an oversized pillow. Nick already looks uncomfortable. Corinne tells the camera that she wants a “mysterious and sexual connection with Nick.” She’s done a great job of establishing the latter, but as far as mystery goes…there’s not much left for Nick to imagine at this point. Nick tries to ask Corinne a question, but instead of having a human conversation, Corinne fills his mouth with whipped cream. While Nick tries to sputter “But I’m lactose intolerant!” Corinne continues with her plan.
Loosening up the belt on her trench coat, she exposes her cleavage. “Hello, old friends,” Nick whispers as he manages to choke down the last of his whipped cream surprise. Gazing deep into Nick’s eyes, Corinne sprays a load of whipped cream down her left boob. “I saw this in a movie once,” she whispered. She left out the part that she was in this movie, and it was also filmed on a black leather couch. “NOW LICK IT OFF MY BOOB!” Corinne demanded. Nick begrudgingly complies. Corinne’s breasts have gotten more airtime than Chris Harrison this season, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
Meanwhile, ten feet away in the mansion, Jasmine peers out the window. “They’re about to make a porno!” she shrieks, alerting all the other girls in the house. As Nick licks the last bit of dairy off of Corinne’s milk cannons, he notices Jasmine trolling around outside the mansion, doing an excellent job of fulfilling her role as the producer’s puppet. “Oh, hey Jasmine! Want to go talk?” Nick seizes the opportunity to nope the fuck out of there. Corinne is devastated at his departure and proceeds to lose what precious little was left of her sanity and starts crying.
As the tears flow swiftly from her eyes, her mascara gives way, leaving black rivulets streaming down her face that match the color of her soul. As she continued to cry, the rest of her face slowly melted away, like the time you put a Barbie doll in the oven to see what would happen. With her emotions spent and her face in a puddle on the floor, Corinne decided to call it a day and fell asleep in her trench coat, skipping out on the Rose Ceremony, because why the hell not.
Corinne, Danielle M, and
Gretchen Wieners Christen all have roses. Nick notices that Corinne isn’t at the Rose Ceremony, but realizes not waking the sleeping dragon is a pro move at this point. He hands out the remaining fifteen (mother of God) roses to:
1. Assturd – I mean Astrid. Whatever.
2. Taylor – Mental Health Counselor. Aggressive eyebrows.
3. Whitney – Who? My notes said “Tall, long brown hair” until I went back and looked at the contestant bios. She’s clearly making an impression. I mostly just know that she is neither Assturd nor Vanessa.
4. Kristina – Dental Hygienist. Her voice sounds like mine does when my dental hygienist asks me questions while her hands are in my mouth.
5. Danielle L – Not Danielle M.
6. Rachel – Got the first impression rose, has had zero screen time since.
7. Vanessa – Canadian, perfect.
8. Raven – I keep trying to think of “That’s so Raven” jokes to make but they never work.
9. Jaimi – Has big balls. Also a nose ring.
10. Dominique – To be honest, I thought she went home. Not a good sign for her longevity on this show.
11. Sarah – Hot teacher
12. Alexis – Dolphinshark, recently celebrated her boobs’ first birthday.
13. Brittany – Rocked the Eve costume at the wedding photoshoot
14. Josephine – Yawn.
15. Jasmine – Producer puppet
This means that we are saying goodbye to Hailey, the other Canadian, Lacey, who rode in on a camel and enjoys a good hump, and Elizabeth W, who I have no recollection of from previous episodes. Rough week to be a Liz.
Backstreet Boys Group Date
The Bachelor franchise has had more than its fair share of terrible dates. This is not one of them. In fact, I would argue that this is probably the coolest date in Bachelor history. If you disagree with me, you’re wrong. Chris Harrison strolls in to the mansion with a smug grin. “Hold on to your IUDs, ladies, because you’re about to be blown away.” He leaves a date card, which reads “Everybody!” and is addressed to Danielle L.,
Gretchen Wieners Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne.
There’s a brief moment of silence after the date card is read, which is quickly broken as a Backstreet Boys song begins blasting through the mansion. Confusion turns to pandemonium as the Backstreet Boys themselves walk into the mansion. All of the women simultaneously shit themselves, scream, start crying, and piss on the floor. I can’t blame them for their reactions, because I actually did the exact same thing at home. My couch is ruined.
To prepare for their Vegas residency, the Backstreet Boys scheduled a performance in LA for about five hundred people, and Nick and the ladies learn that they will be called onstage as backup dancers for one of the songs. They spend the majority of the date learning the choreography for the 30 second performance. Nick tells the camera that he’s really impressed by how well Jasmine dances, essentially congratulating her on being competent to fulfill her job duties as a professional dancer. There’s probably a compliment in there somewhere, right?
Although Jasmine dances for a living, the other women do not. It turns out that Corinne is about as good at dancing as she is at being on The Bachelor, and by that I mean it’s a fucking trainwreck. As they rehearse, Corinne can’t remember any of the choreography. “I’m not good at planned dancing!” she tells the camera. “I have bad short term memory.” My guess is her short-term memory loss is likely a side effect of prolonged oxygen deprivation given the amount of time she’s spent with things in her mouth.
We are mercifully spared from watching more of their abysmal rehearsal as the producers fast-forward us to the actual performance. As the Backstreet Boys begin to perform, Nick & Co parade onstage. Thankfully a BSB concert and the key demographics of The Bachelor have a lot of overlap, so the audience actually gave a shit about them being there. Jasmine and Danielle have no problem breaking it down, while Corinne and Christen are strategically placed in the back row in attempt to obscure their lack of talent. We don’t actually get to see a ton of their dancing because the camera kept panning to the whitest, most awkward people in the audience, but the off beat clapping and swaying we see instead made it all worthwhile.
After the conclusion of their little number, the Backstreet Boys decide that Danielle L. was the most impressive dancer, and as a reward gets to slow dance with Nick in front of everyone while the Backstreet Boys serenade her. In theory, it sounds romantic. In reality, it would be my worst nightmare. Nick and Danielle hold each other close as they sway back and forth like it’s Homecoming 2006 as five hundred sets of eyes watch their every move. Nick throws caution to the wind, as if the dance chaperone was busy refilling her punch, and casually DFMOs with Danielle L in front of everyone, including the six other women he’s dating. They are pissed. Corinne tells the camera “This is my worst nightmare playing over and over! We’re trying to get engaged here!” You may be trying to get engaged, Corinne, but I think at this point Nick is mostly just trying to avoid having your nanny put him into a deep freezer piece by piece after you snap and chop him into little bits.
After the concert, the crew heads to another cocktail party. Corinne grabs Nick first, because of course. She spends time apologizing for assaulting him with whipped cream, sleeping through the Rose Ceremony, crying during dance practice, and stealing little curls of his hair for her voodoo doll. Nick replies, “It’s cool. Maybe apologize to the other girls for being a raging bitch at some point, too.” Corinne giggles. “He loves me,” she thinks. She leaves to go take another nap because she is mentally unstable and falls asleep as she traces “Mrs. Pubehead McGee” into the air over and over again.
Nick walks up to the other women and asks to talk to Danielle L. He still has at least half a chub from their slow grind. They make a valiant attempt at having a conversation which lasts about four seconds before they insert their tongues into each others mouths. It’s steamy. Nick actually tries to fingerbang her, but realizes the camera is pointed straight at them – I know I make up a lot of shit but if you watch the clip his hand goes from her face to her thigh, then starts moving up her skirt before he slides it behind her back. Just keeping things family friendly.
We don’t see Nick’s conversations with the rest of the women, because while he is still getting up in Danielle L.’s business, Jasmine was busy learning about Corinne’s nanny situation. Corinne explains that Raquel, her nanny, makes her bed, slices her cucumbers, makes her lemon salad, does her laundry and wipes her ass. “It makes her happy!” Corinne says. “I don’t want to take away a woman’s happiness.” Jasmine literally falls on the ground because she can no longer function in a world where this is a thing that happens. While the rest of the ladies are busy dealing with that debacle, Nick slips Danielle L. the group date rose and they sneak away, presumably for blow jobs.
One-on-one date with Vanessa
This week’s one-on-one is for Vanessa, the arguably flawless special education teacher from Canada. Her date card reads, “You make me feel like I’m floating…” As Vanessa arrives at an airport, she approaches Nick. “For the love of God please tell me we aren’t skydiving, because if we are I will get back in that limo and go right back to Canada.” She learns that their date will consist of a trip in a zero gravity plane, which if I am not mistaken, is also referred to as a Vomit Comet. She’s cool with this plan. I have to give it to the producers – they’re two for two on badass dates this week.
Once aboard, the plane ascends steeply and then turns back towards the ground, and as it descends, its occupants are briefly weightless. Nick and Vanessa take advantage of this situation, bouncing around the plane like a bunch of giddy idiots. Their faces collide and they make out romantically, floating about the plane. Nick tells the camera “This date couldn’t be going any better!” Au contraire Pubes, just wait.
As soon as those words are out of Nick’s mouth, Vanessa announces, “I’M A LITTLE NAUSEOUS!” loudly enough for anyone to hear. She tries to play it cool, but you can see by her rate of swallowing she had entered the panic phase of the mouth sweats. At this point, you know what’s coming – you’re just trying to find an appropriate receptacle to deposit everything you’ve ingested over the previous hours. By some miracle, a barf bag materializes just in time for Vanessa to fill it. Nick pats her on the shoulder. She tries to shake it off, but within seconds she is busy filling yet another barf bag.
Nick holds her close; Vanessa interprets this as a comforting gesture, when in reality I’m fairly certain her was just ensuring her spew spout was pointed away from him. The Vomit Comet portion of the date ends as Nick decides he’s cool with making out with Vanessa even after she’s unleashed the demons of her insides in front of him. “You still taste fine!” he tells her, leaving me to scramble for my own barf bag.
After finding some mouthwash, Nick and Vanessa head to the top of the tallest building in LA to pretend to eat dinner. They talk about relationships, and Nick reveals that up to this point, he was afraid he would still end up alone, even after being the Bachelor, but after spending the afternoon watching Vanessa hurl, he was hopeful for the future. In the midst of this speech, he starts to cry. Kill me. I sincerely hope that those tears occurred because Nick accidentally sat on his balls, not because of feelings or some dumb shit like that. He gives Vanessa the date rose, and she accepts graciously. “I completely forgot about the rose!” she exclaims as he hands it over. “Liar!” screams Hailey, from her couch back in Canada.
Track and Field Group Date
The producer’s certainly did not save the best for last when it came to this week’s date. Rachel, Alexis, Assturd, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique receive a date card, which reads, “I’m done playing the field.” A limo drops the group off at a random track, where they are met by Nick, as well as a group of Olympians including Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter, and some dude whose name I forgot to write down, but who also went to the Olympics and has leveraged that fame into an appearance on The Bachelor so is probably doing very well for himself.
The Olympians inform the ladies they will be participating in a series of track and field competitions, and the winner will get to spend more time with Nick. It’s a pretty standard physical activity type of group date. The first few rounds of competition consisted of the long jump, high jump, and javelin. The only things that made this segment worth watching were the constant threat of Assturd having a wardrobe malfunctions with her giant knockers about to pop out of her tiny sports bra at any time, and the possibility that these bitches may accidentally skewer one another with a javelin. Unfortunately, neither of those occurrences was realized, so instead I refilled my wine glass and prayed that this shit would be over quickly.
After the preliminary rounds, the Olympians announce the top three contestants – Rachel, Alexis, and Assturd. Their final competition will be the 100-meter dash; at the finish line there is a giant diamond ring and a hot tub. Their goal is to grab the ring and jump into the hot tub with Nick. Rachel finishes the race with a commanding lead, but as she reaches for the ring, instead of grabbing it, she knocks it to the ground. Rachel turns around, trying to scramble back to the ring, but Assturd is one step ahead (or behind?). As the ring falls to the ground it shatters, but Assturd manages to grab the biggest piece of it before cannonballing into the hot tub with Nick. “Congrats on winning…sort of,” Nick tells her.
The rest of the date is spent at yet another cocktail party. As Nick begins to spend time with each of the ladies, we are treated to Dominique having a meltdown. She’s really trying to make up for lost screen time here. She tells the camera she thinks her relationship with Nick has fallen behind, which makes sense because no one realized she was still on the goddamn show, including the cameramen. Rachel reassures her, saying that everything will be fine, and that she should simply be herself and everything will work out. Rachel then goes to talk to Nick and end up making out with him for 30 minutes while Dominique watches. You can tell this is very therapeutic for Dominique.
When Dominique finally gets chance to talk to Nick, instead of introducing herself like a normal person, she launches into a tirade. “You aren’t giving me a fair chance!” she shouts at him. “I’m a straightforward person, so I’m going to call you on your bullshit. You should have asked me why I was withdrawn and not acting like myself on the date today. You should have given me some reassurance, and you didn’t and it’s not fair!” Nick takes a moment to reflect. “Can we back up just a second?” he asks her. “Who are you?” From the background, we can hear a wine-drunk Alexis shout from beneath her Dolphinshark costume “She doesn’t even go here!”
Nick manages to let her down without being a total dickhole. “Listen, you’re great and beautiful but I don’t want to string anyone along – and knowing what you need, and knowing where my other relationships already are, I think it’s best if you go home.” Translation: “There’s no way I’m going to deal with your shit while there are at least fifteen other women who won’t be as annoying as you and will touch my penis without complaining about it” Rachel gets the group date rose for being a good kisser, and everyone heads back to the mansion.
Pool Party, Part 1
Chris Harrison arrives to tell the ladies that in lieu of the fourth cocktail party of the week, Nick wants to have a pool party instead. Everyone acts shocked – which is stupid because this shit happens every single season. The ladies run to their rooms to put on as much makeup and as little clothing as possible before heading out to the pool to meet Nick.
There must be a shortage of water in the mansion, because once the pool party starts it becomes apparent just how thirsty these bitches are. They alternate between rubbing sunscreen all over Nick’s body and getting him to shower off with them. It seems counterproductive. Meanwhile, per usual, Corinne has come up with a plan to make Nick pay attention to her while causing a giant fiasco for everyone else. This installment of “Crazy Shit the Producers Convince Corinne To Do” involves a bouncy castle – after bopping around inside with Nick for a while, Corinne pushes him onto the castle floor and mounts him in full view of the other contestants. Again, like the whipped cream incident of 5 days before, the ladies freak the fuck out. The episode actually ends with Vanessa confronting Nick, saying “I’m not judging Corinne’s actions, I’m judging yours. Are you looking for a wife, or are you looking for someone to fuck around with?”
With that, the episode ends. Thankfully Pubes has an entire week to come up with an answer to that zinger. See you then..