Alright folks – it’s been a long offseason since Bachelor in Paradise ended in September, but the drought has finally come to an end. Last night’s premiere of The Bachelor is mostly about meeting the harem- 30 strong, independent women who don’t need no man but came on reality TV to compete for a husband anyway.
And which husband are they competing for? His name is Nick Viall, and he is no stranger to The Bachelor franchise. He made his first appearance on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette, where he walked away as the runner up – so close, but yet so far. He tried his hand at love again the next season with Kaitlyn Bristowe, and while he succeeded at banging her on their first date, he again came in second place to that season’s eventual winner. With a brief hiatus to ice his bruised ego and balls, he reappeared this summer on the crown jewel of this franchise, Bachelor in Paradise, where he was less of a piece of shit than usual and earned himself the Bachelor throne after three seasons of televised humiliation.
In previous seasons, I’ve read the contestant bios and incorporated my not-so-subtle opinions into my recap of the first episode. I’m notoriously bad with first impressions, as evidenced by my thoughts on standouts from previous seasons.
“Ben H, 26, Software Salesman, Denver: This guy tries way too hard to be a bro. His idea of a perfect date is doing something “out in nature” which I hope isn’t code for taking someone out to the woods and murdering them.”
Did I think this dude was going to be the next Bachelor when he showed up on Kaitlyn’s season? No. Did I think he was going to last past the first night? Also no.
I also spent the entirety of that season referring to Nick Viall as Pubehead McGee, because a) I honestly didn’t think he would be relevant after Andi dropped his ass on the finale of the previous season, and b) his hair looks like pubes. Still does.
My rash judgments aren’t limited to my early work:
“Joelle “JoJo,” 24, Real Estate Developer, Dallas TX: To be honest, she’s already starting with negative points for being named JoJo. She digs that hole even deeper when she comes out of the limo wearing a unicorn head mask. Hard pass.”
If I could go back in time to punch myself in the face for saying I’d pass on JoJo, I’d do it. Twice.
The trend continues:
“Lauren B, 25, Flight Attendant, Marina Del Rey, CA: Her bio says that her guilty pleasure is brunch with mimosas, and anyone who feels guilty about brunch blackouts is not someone I need in my life right now.”
Actually, that’s pretty accurate. I stand by it.
Tonight’s episode started with Nick sitting down with three previous Bachelors – Sean Lowe, Chris Soules, and Ben Higgins. They sip whiskey and talk about shit that doesn’t matter. In reality, this wasn’t about offering Nick advice, it was about these dudes escaping from their lives and stepping back into the limelight, if only for a brief moment. Sean is grateful not to be at home changing diapers, Ben needed a break from filming his new reality show, which is even more terrible than The Bachelor, and Chris was grateful for a break from Iowa and finding some fresh meat on Tinder.
We also got a chance to see Nick talking to his family about going on The Bachelor…again. The upside of this is that we’ve gotten to watch Nick’s little sister, Bella, grow up in front of our eyes. At this rate, it’ll only be a few more years before she’s on the The Bachelor herself. While they say they’re excited for Nick’s fourth journey to find love, the dead look in their eyes says that they can’t believes there’s another goddamn camera crew from ABC in their house.
The rest of the episode is devoted to introducing this season’s 30 contestants. It usually takes a few episodes to figure out their personalities and to evaluate their interactions with the Bachelor; however, we live in Trump’s America now, so I’m just going to read what the internet tells me in the form of their contestant bios (I don’t read spoilers – those are weak shit and ruin all the fun), watch their 30 second appearance on the episode, and say whatever the fuck comes to mind.
In order of appearance:
Danielle L., 27, Small Business Owner, Los Angeles, CA
I wasn’t impressed by her bio – however the first and last people out of the limo are usually important players in the season – last year the eventual winner, Lauren B. headed out first, and the final exit was none other than O Face herself, so I’d wager Danielle L will stick around.
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager, Dallas, TX
She seems as vanilla as she is blonde. Her bio says that she’s into Bumble and Hinge, and I’ll wager she’ll still need them once her (short-lived) Bachelor career is over.
Rachel, 31, Attorney, Dallas, TX
Rachel seems like a real person with her life together. Either there’s something lurking under the surface that is going to come bursting forth in Episode 5, or ABC wants her to be the next Bachelorette.
Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer, Tulsa, OK
She reminds me of Britt from Chris Soules’s season, except less interesting. She got out of the limo in a yellow prom dress with a fan hiding her face before she chucked the fan off to the side like she was in a kung fu movie. It was weird. I was not a fan. Also, she spells her name wrong.
Taylor, Mental Health Counselor, Seattle, WA
Taylor is a mental health counselor, so I’d imagine appearing on The Bachelor could be a risky career move. Maybe she’s a plant by the producers to prevent (or more likely, provoke) contestant breakdowns. Otherwise, I have a feeling a few of her clients are going to be wanting their money back when they see her drunkenly sobbing on some soccer field after her team loses a group date challenge during Week 3. She introduces herself by telling Nick all of her friends think he’s a piece of shit, which is probably a strong start.
Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist, Lexington, KY
Kristina starts her bio off strong by talking about being grateful to her adoptive parents for taking her in as an orphan and wanting to know more about her biological mother, which is some heavy shit when I’m trying to catch a solid wine buzz and feel better about my own life. Thanks for harshing the mellow, Kristina.
Angela, 26, Model, Greenville, SC
Her guiltiest pleasure is that she likes to lick the butter off the inside of popcorn bags. Really living on the edge, Angela. She is pretty hot though.
Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate, Naples, FL
Only one Lauren this year? She’s got some big shoes to fill. She’s a law school graduate, which I don’t think is quite the same as being a lawyer. Regardless, she seems down to earth and doesn’t give off a psychopath vibe, so it seems reasonable that she’ll get to travel to some cool places before getting the boot. Apparently her last name is Hussey, so she tells Nick that if you combine their last names, as a pair they make a disgusting slut. I retract my previous statements – that was weird and now I am uncomfortable.
Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager, Harlingen, TX
I’m not sure if Ida Marie is playing with a full deck here. Her favorite snack is Cheetos with a pickle, so there’s a 30% chance she’s already pregnant. Her response to being asked what her favorite book or favorite author was “I need to read more books” which roughly translates to “I need to read a book” or possibly “I should learn how to read.” Her favorite fruit is strawberries because they are sexual and taste great with wine. She tells Nick that trust is important to her, and to prove that, makes him catch her in a trust fall. Fair warning, if I ever become The Bachelor and someone tries to pull that on me, their ass is hitting that tear-soaked pavement.
Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative, Anchorage, AK
Her biggest fears are spiders and not being able to find love. Same, actually.
Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher, Newport Beach, CA
I’m kind of into Sarah and I don’t know why. She jogs up to Nick in a dress and tennis shoes and tells him that she thought he’d like to meet another runner-up. It’s smooth.
Jasmine G., 29, Pro Basketball Dancer, San Francisco, CA
Jasmine starts off strong with some jokes – she brought Neil Lane, purveyor of Bachelor franchise jewelry with her to show Nick an engagement ring she’d already picked out. In the background of the shot, you can actually see Neil polishing the ring with one of the red flags that Jasmine is throwing up. Another red flag – in her bio it says if she could be any person for a day, she would be Guy Fieri. Jasmine, I tried to like you, but keep your frosted tip fantasies away from me.
Hailey, 23, Photographer, Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hailey looks like she should be a female protagonist in an angsty ’90s movie – either that or one of Jessica Biel’s friends on 7th Heaven. She’s afraid of butterflies and she says that only children are weird. Hey Hailey, your boy Crick is an only child, so you can fuck right off and head back North where you belong. When she gets out of the limo, she asks Nick what a girl wearing underwear would say – he doesn’t know. She responds, “Neither do I” with a wink. She’s the female version of Canadian Daniel from last season, and she’s definitely trying to get the pipe.
Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager, Tampa, FL
I guess Astrid speaks herself a little German and asks Nick if he’s noticed her breasts then informs him that they’re real, all in Deutsch. He’s more confused than aroused. Also, if you thought for one second I wasn’t going to refer to her as Assturd, you were incorrect.
Elizabeth “Liz”, 29, Doula, Las Vegas, NV
So the elephant in the room is that Liz already banged Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding where she was the Maid of Honor. Good for her. If only there was a rose for being Eskimo sisters with Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe. I can’t get a good read on her – from her bio it seems like she may be coming on the show simply to fuck around, and I respect that. She was worried that he wouldn’t remember her – turns out he definitely does, and he’s still a little pissed that she didn’t give him her number after their pants off dance off.
Corinne, 24, Business Owner, Miami, FL
This girl is next level bonkers. More on her later.
Vanessa, Special Education Teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Initially, I thought Vanessa seemed a little too Stepford for a dude who is making his 4th appearance on the Bachelor franchise. As it turns out, she’s a multilingual special education teacher who may or may not be a saint, so she’s definitely too good for this show.
Danielle M., 31, Neonatal Nurse, Nashville, TN
If anyone wants to know what my type is, it’s Danielle M. Hot damn. When asked which fictional character she’d be, she doesn’t throw down any of that Ariel bullshit like half of the girls did– she goes for Hermione Granger. Marry me. Things with Lauren H. didn’t pan out, so I’ll try this again – Danielle M., if you read this, hit up @CrickWatsonMD on Twitter.
Raven, Fashion Boutique Owner, Hoxie, AR
This girl looks like Nikki from Juan Pablo’s season got a dye job and crazier eyes. She got out of the limo and introduced herself by screaming “WOO PIG SOOIE” which gave me more secondhand embarrassment for her than I’ve had for anyone ever.
Jaimi, 28, Chef, New Orleans, LA
I’m conflicted on Jaimi. Her greatest accomplishment is catering the Oscars, which is actually pretty sweet. However, things take a left turn in her bio when she said if she wanted to impress a man, she’d bench press him with her legs. I don’t think that’s how bench pressing works. Also if a woman could lift me with her legs, she could certainly crush my head like a watermelon if I was going down on her, and I can’t live with that kind of fear. She’s also a pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian, which means she eats fish, birds and their byproducts. Byproduct is a gross word when you’re talking about food. I wonder if she writes that shit on her wedding RVSPs – probably not, because I’ll wager she has no friends since no one wants to hear her talked about her pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarianism.
That’s a lot of feelings for someone who will almost certainly get booted fairly early on in the season. Her icebreaker with Nick was telling him that he had big balls, and that she did as she flipped her barbell nose ring out from inside her nose and into view. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse, Salt Lake City, UT
In her bio, Briana says if she got to be any animal, she would be a dolphin. Her reasoning? “So I could breathe underwater, do flips, and be cute.” If she ever gets her wish and becomes a dolphin, she’s going to find out the hard way that dolphins don’t actually breathe underwater. She listens to Nick’s heart because she’s a nurse and unoriginal.
Susannah, 26, Account Manager, San Diego, CA
Her bio says that her most embarrassing moment was trying to look sexy picking up a pen in front of her high school crush and banging her head into a table instead. Bend and snap with caution, ladies. However, her most embarrassing moment may change seeing as she chose to give Nick a beard massage when she got out of the limo.
Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse, Santa Cruz, CA
Just by looking at her, she seems like the type of nurse that would ruin my day on a regular basis. She’s moderately attractive, but whenever I look at her it’s like I can already hear my pager going off. I need more sleep. She tells Nick that he’s a “Wiener in her book” as she presents him with a hollowed out novel containing a hot dog, and then asks him to Lady and the Tramp the hot dog with her. I can’t wait for children to see that footage and be forever scarred.
Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse, Santa Monica, CA
I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t be upset if Brittany hit up my pager at work. In fact, I’d probably make an effort to swing by her part of the hospital a few times a day to make sure there wasn’t anything she needed, like a boyfriend.
Jasmine B., 25, Flight Attendant, Tacoma, WA
Her favorite author is Steve Harvey. Today I learned that Steve Harvey has written a book, and that at least one person has read it. She was also previously engaged but broke it off because her fiancé didn’t deserve her greatness, so I doubt she’s high maintenance at all.
Whitney, Pilates Instructor, Chanhassen, MN
She seems super boring but also the type of girl that Nick would be into.
Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager, Manhattan, NY
The picture in her bio makes her look like she’s wearing a corset, and as your eyes track upwards, the next thing they encounter is her Star of David necklace, nestled in her cleavage. My wager is that Lacey is the type of girl that really flirts with the line on the hot/crazy scale. That suspicion was confirmed when she presented herself to Nick by riding up the driveway on a camel and introducing herself by saying “I hear you like a nice hump! I enjoy a good hump myself.”
Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, Seacaucus, NJ
Alexis is tonight’s MVP. She rolls up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Left Shark costume, but insists it’s a dolphin. She tells Nick that she “dolphinately can’t wait to talk to you inside” and walks away, making dolphin noises. This bitch is insane and I love it.
There are also a few girls who appear on the website and may or may not have appeared on camera, including, but not limited to:
Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server, Los Angeles, CA
If Dominique could be any kind of animal, she says she would be a “flying bird.” Fuck penguins, emus, ostriches, and dodos (RIP dodo birds. Say hi to Harambe for us.). She also mentions Chipotle twice in her bio, and now I want a burrito bowl. She shows up a few times throughout the episode to offer commentary on the other contestants, but I don’t remember her getting out of the limo or actually ever talking to Nick.
Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner, Los Angeles, CA
If she could have lunch with three people, she’d pick Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani, and Princess Diana. At first I thought that was incredibly strange, but I bet that squad could rage. I don’t know if Michelle will go very far this season, but I’d be down to party with her. I’m also not sure if she was actually in this episode or not.
Holy shit, you guys. There are so many girls. I’m going to need Pubes and Chris to clear this herd out quicker than The Hunger Games if I’m going to have any shot at remembering who any of these fembots are.
The rest of the night is spent on the cocktail party as Nick frantically tries to speed date 30 women while also slamming free whiskey. It’s a tough life. There are so many women that not a lot happens – we see 10 second snippets of conversations with most of the women; however, there are a few that matter.
Nick seems very taken with Rachel, who is a civil defense litigation attorney. She carries herself like an actual human, unlike a lot of these other ladies who are ready to peddle shit on Instagram for cold, hard cash.
We also learn that Corinne is a total psychopath as she interrupts conversation after conversation to steal more time with Nick. She is most definitely not here to make friends. She ends up with the first kiss of the night because she attaches her face to Nick’s and makes out with him like she’s a fish out of water, gasping for air that only his tongue can provide. It’s not a good look. After their quick bout of tonsil hockey, Corinne marches around the mansion announcing that she kissed Nick to anyone who would listen. This will end well for her, I’m sure.
Dolphinshark Alexis continues to insist that she’s a dolphin, even though her costume has gills. However, I respect her commitment to the costume – she wears it in the pool and Nick tells her that if she takes it off, she will definitely be going home, so she powers through.
But the most important conversation of the night is between Nick and Liz – he tells her he remembers her from the Janner wedding – and is confused why she would come on the show when she wouldn’t even give him her phone number. He told her he was very intrigued by her at the wedding and wanted to get to know her and was disappointed that it didn’t seem like she reciprocated those feelings. She replies that she thought about trying to get in touch with him, and Nick shoots down her bullshit telling her that Jade has his phone number. She finally tells him that she had seen him on previous seasons and bought into some of the stereotypes about him, and it wasn’t until Paradise, which was filmed well after they did the deed, that she saw a side of him that she was interested in.
Nick seems put off by that, because it was kind of a rude way to put things. Liz tries to explain more, but another girl asks to talk with Nick, and he uses that opportunity to bounce.
The cocktail party ends with the First Impression Rose going to Rachel. Calling it now – I think she’s the next Bachelorette.
Rachel already has a rose, and the remaining 21 (Sweet Jesus) go to:
• Vanessa – Canadian Saint
• Danielle L – First out of the limo, important for unclear reasons
• Christen – Britt 2.0, name spelled wrong
• Astrid – Assturd
• Corinne – Stage 5 clinger, villain out of the gate
• Elizabeth W – Does the W stand for “Who the fuck are you?”
• Jasmine G – Winner of the “first tears of the season” award
• Raven – WOO PIG SOOIE
• Kristina – Heavy accent, could use some subtitles
• Danielle M – I hear she’s doctor approved. And by that I mean that I’m a doctor, and I approve.
• Sarah – There’s something about Sarah I dig. Not sure what it is yet.
• Josephine – Bio says nurse, intro saying nursing student, everything else says crazy pants.
• Lacey – Likes humps.
• Taylor – Mental health counselor. She makes me feel squirmy. Keeps telling Nick her friends think he’s a piece of shit.
• Alexis – Dolphinshark lives to see another week. Thank you, God Chris Harrison.
• Hailey – Angsty Canadian who forgot her underwear.
• Whitney – Brunette in a red dress. Really narrows it down.
• Dominique – Seems to have a lot of takes.
• Jaimi – Balls girl.
• Brittany – Another nurse.
• Liz – Gunning for Round 2 in the Fantasy Suite.
This means that we say goodbye to Angela, Olivia, Jasmine B., Lauren, Susannah, Briana, Ida Marie and Michelle, who I’m not even sure was on the show at all.
The episode wraps up with some highlights from the upcoming season, which include:
– Nick goes north of The Wall and walks through snow, thinking about love.
– Jaimi was dating a girl before coming on Bachelor.
– There will be a Backstreet Boys concert during this season. Prepare accordingly.
– At some point, Josephine bitchslaps Nick.
– Corinne takes her top off and tries to bang Nick on multiple occasions. She also uses the quote that “My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum.” Her father must be so proud of his little girl.
– Everyone finds out that Nick and Liz have already made a trip to Poundtown. Tears ensue.
Looks like we’ve got the makings of the most dramatic season yet. See you then..
Don’t forget to hit up our Bachelor Fantasy League, because why the fuck not?
Image via YouTube / ABC