Reality shows are pretty much the worst things ever. They’re destroying our society and only worsening our fascination with pseudo-celebrity culture. I’m aware of this–but in my mind, if there have to be so many reality shows, I feel as if I deserve to come up with a few I’d actually want to watch.
1. White Collar Prison
I went on a tour of a minimum security prison when I was in middle school. I guess the purpose of it was some sort of “Beyond Scared Straight” kind of thing, but it didn’t really work. We all had a blast. The beds were pretty comfy, we learned how to make and light prison cigarettes, and the inmates we talked to were all really nice and hilarious. These are the guys who are in for a couple of weak possession charges, check fraud, or are at the end of a long sentence and aren’t going to do anything to fuck up their release. There’s not a lot of violence, gang activity, or general unruliness. The food’s not half bad either. So what’s the show? Just pick a group of the zaniest characters in a minimum security prison and follow them around. It’ll be eyeopening about the true state of our correctional system, and it’ll also provide some great laughs. Plus, the general public will get to learn how to “pop a socket.”
2. Gay Divorce Court
Traditional marriage enthusiasts, eat a fucking dick. I want this to be a real show more than I can even express. For all of you who think I’m just perpetuating a narrow-minded stereotype by advocating for this show, you’re half right. I do want to see the stereotypical gays get into a catfight in the middle of the courtroom, spewing insults that I’ve never heard in my life and can never hope to approach in terms of creativity. But I also want to see the less flamboyant ones, too. I want to see the divorce debate between two Brawny man-lookin’
motherfatherfuckers. When shit gets physical on other divorce shows, it has to be broken up, because, you know, man on woman violence and all that. But two dudes or two chicks? Let ‘em duke it out.
3. Real Housewives of Shreveport
If you grew up in a small town, then you know the cattiness of the women on the “Real Housewives of [Major Metropolitan Area]” doesn’t hold a candle to the “upper class” snootiness of small town women. It would be much more entertaining and simultaneously hilarious to build a show around show the rich women in a medium to small Southern town. The dealership king’s wife. The perpetually single, “family money” gal. The woman whose husband owns all four Wendy’s in the county. Hell, I’ll even throw the Duck Dynasty wives in there–devout Christian ladies are the best. Where’s my check, Bravo?
4. How It’s Made: Underground
“How It’s Made” is one of the best shows on television. No, not nonfiction shows. All of television. My list goes 1. “Game of Thrones,” 2. “Justified,” 3. “How It’s Made.” I could watch boppers and doodads get mixed, bent, and snapped by assembly machines all day, but I’d like to see a spinoff of the show. The “Underground” version is all about how illegal stuff gets made. Everything from drugs, smuggling tunnels, and prison shanks all the way up to bombs, and all narrated by the same dude. Plus, you could extend it past things being “made” and focus on bad guys just doing things. Think about that calm-ass voice telling you all the details as a loan shark sends his goons to go beat down a guy who hasn’t paid up. I know it sounds gruesome, but you can’t tell me you’re not in on that. How do we get criminals to appear on TV and actually commit crimes that could get them serious jail time? Not my problem. I’m just the writer.
5. Bill Murray
Look, I get it. The Internet loves Bill Murray. Stop the fucking presses. However, this is a significantly better idea than most of the Murrclejerking that happens online. At this point, everyone is familiar with Bill’s antics: wearing silly clothes while playing golf, playing pranks on celebrity friends, deciding to be a bartender one night for the hell of it, fucking with random people on the street. In fact, as much as I love him as an actor, it sort of seems like he’s only going for the weird, almost-himself roles in movies, so why not give us a weekly half hour show where a camera crew follows him around and watches him do Bill Murray things? It’s not like you’d have to script it for him–the man’s a damn comedic genius. But knowing him, he’d probably intentionally do only super boring stuff like laundry and feeding his birds when the cameras were on, just to fuck with the whole audience. Dick.