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Realistic Threats Women Wish Upon Each Other

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Girls are bitchy and catty, but we aren’t mean. We would never wish physical pain or death upon another sister, because we have to stand up for each other. It’s a man’s world! However, I frequently wish bad things upon fellow females, because they look at me weirdly when I make out with their boyfriends, or they give me the stink eye when I cut them in line at Panera because I’m really hungry. So to all you ladies out there who have crossed me, I’ve probably wished one of these things upon you. Smooches!

  • I hope Starbucks fucks up your name so royally that some other chick swoops in and steals your $7 coffee.
  • I hope you lose only one of your favorite Kate Spade earrings during a one-night stand with a four.
  • I hope that I could have one wish so I could wish a sneeze upon you every time you’re mid-mascara application.
  • I hope you believe an article on the internet that says, “calories in anything pumpkin spiced are negative.”
  • I hope you paint your entire living room “soft beige,” only to realize that “ultra-light mocha” would have matched your deep chocolate ottoman better.
  • I hope you responsibly put 10 percent of every paycheck into your savings account, only to blow it on a mediocre boob job that pops (on one side only) within three to four months.
  • I hope your red lipstick goes too far outside of the lines, staining your skin and giving you a permanent fat lip.
  • I hope you forget to take out your teeth whitening strips when you go to sleep tonight so you can’t talk for the next week.
  • I hope you opened a Target credit card last fall to get the 10 percent discount on your new throw pillows.
  • I hope you forget you’re wearing closed-toe shoes the next time you get a pedicure.
  • I hope you believe me when I tell you that there’s a “direct correlation in the amount of taffeta in your dress and the length of your marriage.”
  • I hope that single Diet Coke you are currently drinking makes you so bloated that you fly up into the air like that one chick in Willy Wonka.
  • I hope you miss a birth control pill on a day you wear white pants to work.
  • I hope you go to Chipotle and they double charge you for guac.
  • I hope a young child goes through your Lilly planner and steals all your stickers.
  • …who then takes them home and tells her mother that you gave her all those “Me Day” martini glass stickers.
  • …who then rips you to shreds on LinkedIn.
  • I hope you tug a single string on your cashmere sweater that makes the whole thing combust. During an interview. So now you’re TOFTB.
  • I hope your iPhone screen shatters through the selfie cam when you’re not due for an upgrade for two years.
  • I hope the only coffee that is ever available to you before noon for the rest of your life is decaf.
  • And I hope that decaf somehow comes up in a drug test as cocaine.

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Topanga

Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.

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