Squad goals. What are they? Great question. Per Urban Dictionary, a squad goal is defined as follows:
(skwäd/ɡōl) (noun) (plural noun: squad goals): an inspirational term for what you’d like your group of friends to be or accomplish. Used best when placed at the end of a directional statement.
If you’re heavy into Instagram, you’ve probably noticed this hashtag everywhere, and if you’re like me, you’ve been pondering your own, realistic squad goals. Because in life, it’s important to set goals for yourself, as well as for your squad. So here’s my definitive list of squad goals:
Get On The Price Is Right
It’s the greatest gameshow on the planet, and that’s not a position I’m willing to budge on. I want to be the asshole wearing a poorly made shirt featuring Drew Carey’s face and a stupid pun on it, and I want my squad wearing the exact same thing. Not just wearing the shirt, but wearing the shirt really obnoxiously. When the camera pans the crowd in search of the next fuckstick to “COME ON DOWN,” I want my squad to look like the biggest cheese dicks on daytime television. In the unlikely event that one of us is selected, the squad will go absolutely nuts. Shirts ripped off, high fives, low fives, chest bumps, secret handshakes, Crip walking, etc. The squad member selected will undoubtedly have a highly punchable look on his face, and must half-heartedly high five other contestants with two hands. Should the opportunity come to completely torpedo a contestant with a bid of “1 dollar,” the squad member must unrepentantly yell “1 DOLLAR, DREW!” and clap like an asshole.
Live In A Golf Cart Community
“I just want a house with a backyard and a white picket fence.” That was the old American dream. It’s 2015, and in your boy’s America, the American dream has evolved. If you live in the burbs, and you’re trying to reach elite burb status, you know that the quickest way to do so is by purchasing a golf cart. Not only purchasing a golf cart, but customizing it, and driving it around like a boss. I’m thinking that by 2022, the whole squad will be crushing a trendy subdivision, and each member will be rolling around hard as fuck in a golf cart. Trip to the pool? Take the cart. Head down to the course for a quick 9? Swang and bang in the cart. Driving down to Mike’s to grill some brats and crush some ice cold beers while listening to Billy Squier Pandora? Cart so hard. Block party to raise money for some random cause? Yeah, I’ll make an appearance about one hour into it as I pull up blaring Drake so the neighborhood knows I’ve got my ear to the streets.
There’s just something about driving down a road in a golf cart and seeing some key member of the squad and tossing him a two-fingered wave from the steering wheel. All those burb mothers driving Tahoes and Four Runners will be doing double-takes when I pass by. I’d go as far as saying that the golf cart is the most chill mode of transportation you can take on land. I don’t think I’m wrong about that. Is it street legal? Maybe. Nobody knows for sure. But what I do know is this: If I don’t have the whole squad rolling up and down the block in golf carts, then my life will be a failure.
Have A Buddy With A Lake House, Multiple Jet Skis
It’s hot, and the squad is tired of hitting up the neighborhood pool day in and day out. There are only so many times one squad can take over a pool and turn it into a Will Smith video. The squad needs a new summer playground, and there is no better summer playground than the lake. That’s why every squad needs a member with a lake house. I’m talking about a sick, 5 bedroom, 6 bath lake pad that sits right on the water. But a lake house alone is not enough. Daddy wants toys because Daddy wants to play. And the ultimate lake toy is the jet ski. Not one, not two, not three– the whole squad needs one. And since my current squad is 6 deep (7 if Jake breaks up with whatshername), we’ll be requiring 6 of these bad boys.
I can see it now: 6 dudes going full throttle and catching sick air behind some guy’s boat. We’ll probably high five in mid-air too. The squad is going to raise so much hell.
Invent An App
It’s the dream. Working with the squad, independent of traditional corporate nuances and micromanagement, and dominating life at the same time. I’m thinking we’ll start small, like a social media app, or a dating site for rollerbladers. From there, we’ll evolve into a digital media conglomerate that has bean bags all round the office and a full smoothie bar in the back. I’m talking kale, hemp protein, kombucha, etc. I figure it’ll be at least a two years before we sell out and buy time shares in Costa Rica. Gonna be dope.
Become Drunk Little League Dads
Baseball is still America’s pastime for a reason. Being a little league dad that puts way too much pressure on his son is the ultimate way to live the dream. If your squad is anything like mine, it’s filled with a who’s who of formerly decent high school athletes that never lived up to their potential. Naturally, the whole squad needs to have sons that play little league ball together, preferably on a select team. If one member of the squad has a son that isn’t elite enough to play select ball, the whole squad needs to politic the coach until he caves and gives him a roster spot.
From there, it’s all about throwing back cold beers in coffee thermoses while yelling at the umps from the bleachers. The whole squad will be sporting a nice, respectable buzz while yelling, “Good at bat, Jason!” and “Plays at second now, Tanner!” or what will be my personal favorite: “Pull your head out of your ass, Blue!” And when some try-hard dads from a rival town try to out chatter your chatter? Well, then I guess the squad will just have to lay down the law. Fuck those other dads, cause I ride for my dads..