I was recently endorsed for “Contract Negotiation” by a guy that has no idea what I do for a living. I met him one time at a fraternity alumni event when he was still in school. In reality, he should’ve endorsed me for being the wasted old dude that still thought he ran his college town. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option.
In 2015, I think it’s time we stop blindly endorsing people on LinkedIn for skills that we know nothing about, and start taking the endorsement process seriously. After all, more and more employers are looking at LinkedIn when considering candidates, so it’s important that we create a better system to separate the turds from the studs. Here are some realistic endorsements that I need to see more of.
Never Refilling The Water On The Keurig
You don’t have time to refill that thing. You need to close deals, make calls, and respond to emails from yesterday. Coworkers be damned. If they want coffee bad enough, they can fill it themselves.
You should be endorsed, and you should also be publicly reprimanded.
In the wild west of cubicle land, you’re Doc Holliday. Even with headphones on, you can sense when a superior is about to try to ruin your day by busting you reading articles like this or combing the waiver wire for a QB to replace Jay Cutler. Brian Hoyer anyone? Your fingers are lightning fast, and if this were the old west, you’d be the most notorious gun slinger in Tombstone. Unfortunately, you live in Orlando, and the only person impressed by your skill set is you.
Willing To Drive At Lunch
Maybe you’re a pushover, or maybe you just don’t trust those maniacs you work with, but you are always down to drive. This is one of the more under appreciated skills, and that’s just not right. If not for you, everyone in your lunch crew would lose valuable minutes arguing over who’s driving, and calling each other out for having lame excuses. That asshole Mike never seems to have any gas.
You deserve a medal, and an endorsement.
You rock Tommy B. every Friday, and sometimes on Thursday, too. You’re easy going, and you never complain about anything. Your headphones are probably blaring “A Pirate Looks At 40” because you’ve seen Jimmy twice now, and it changed your whole perspective on shit. Nothing rattles you, dude.
Someone should endorse this person, and then proceed to chill with him.
Sketching Out Of Work Related Functions
When it comes to leaving early, or just not even attending, you are the a modern day George Jones. You’re either “Helping a friend move,” “Going over to your parent’s place for dinner,” “On a date with someone you met on Bumble,” or just “Really exhausted from working so hard.” These would all be valid excuses if any of them were true. At first everyone believed you, but now there’s just a running joke around the office about what your excuse will be this time. Once you’re busted by coworkers bailing on a happy hour to go rage with college friends, you’ll lose their trust forever.
You should be endorsed and shamed. SHAME!
In the world of wasting time, you are the boss of all bosses. The Dick Around Don. Johnny Timekill. You’re known for taking laps around the office desperately searching for a conversation that will kill 2 minutes. You constantly navigate your way to and from the break room to grab snacks, water, coffee, or any combination of the 3. It doesn’t matter. Bathroom breaks? You’re good for 6 a day. You seriously contemplated taking up smoking just for the breaks. You’ll try anything that can make the day stop dragging.
You should be endorsed and probably fired.
Shit Talking Coworkers
You’ve got an axe to grind, but no one to talk to about it. That’s why you hold it all in until you lunch, and then you go off on a tangent about Ruth throwing you under the bus by Cc-ing your manager on that email. What a bitch, right? Everyone knows that an invite to lunch, or a closed door meeting with you will be a non-stop bitch fest.
Please hit that endorse button, and then sign this person up for therapy.
One hand on the keyboard, and the other on the iPhone that’s strategically placed on your thigh. Your head is tilted upward as if you’re looking at your screen, but you’re not looking at the screen. No, you’re texting with 5 of your closest friends. Your ability look as if you’re doing actual work while you’re cranking out text after text is impressive as it is unproductive. You’ve tried to put the phone away, but that just lead to you having 59 unanswered texts to read through.
Not only should you be endorsed, but you should also be demoted.
Being The Last To Leave Happy Hour
You’re a trooper. No matter how scarce the talent is at the bar, you will be the last one. A dying breed, you’re basically Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, if the movie were redone and called The Last Drunk Asshole At The Bar. Happy hour is what you do best, and there’s no chance that you’re going to end it any sooner than it has to. Sure, you have to get up in 5 hours, but that doesn’t mean that one more vodka-water isn’t a great idea.
Endorse this man, and then check him into a treatment facility.
Bitching About Your Love Life
“Why can’t I find a good guy?” “I don’t know how to meet women!” Ugh. Everyone gets it, because everyone has been through it. The dating scene is tough, and by tough I mean there are countless hookup apps that most of your coworkers didn’t have the luxury of using when they were young. You have no excuses. They’ve very likely grown tired of your complaining, and they’d very likely endorse you for all of your self-loathing.
Endorse this person, and then tell them a story about the time you met your significant other at a bar like a normal person. .
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